One thing I’ve never admitted in public is that I’m also very fearful of bicycles. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself. “Self, how is it possible Kev is afraid of BIKES? They’re harmless! Especially if you have a cute basket on the front with a flower pattern on it”. While I have been known to love me some cute flower baskets, I could never get into the idea of riding a bike. Think about it. You sit on a narrow ass, uncomfortable seat made of some plastic manufactured from the recycled materials of older uncomfortable seats. Then, if you manage not to fall on your ass, you move your legs in a circular fashion propelling yourself at high speeds while said uncomfortable seat begins to make your asscular region fall asleep. The laws of human nature state that once your cheeks start taking a nap, your right hand must reach back and rub furiously in an attempt to revive the downed body part. This causes you to take your hand off the handle bars, unable to prevent yourself from hitting any number of obstructions in your path. Generally you fly a few thousand feet and land right on the top of your head, which then cracks open, killing you instantly.

I bring this up because recently another man became afraid of the horrors of bicycling as well. That man, the pink and black pudding snack, is Bret Hart. In case you live in a cave or a hut or a hut inside of a cave and haven’t heard about it yet, here’s a reprint of Bret’s “incident” from 411.

” Bret Hart suffered a mild stroke from the bicycle accident he was involved in this past Monday. Hart is currently at a Calgary hospital and in stable condition.

Hart was riding his bike at a high speed when he hit a pot hole, flew over the handle bars, and landed on the back of his head and neck. Tests revealed that Hart suffered a stroke on the right side of his brain.”

So let’s review what happened here :

- Bret, fresh off his busy schedule of whining and sleeping, decides to get some exercise the way they did in the early 1600’s, by riding a 2-wheeled monster around Canadia.

- Needing to be the center of attention, Bret tries to do tricks on said bike. He successfully completes the handstand on the seat, the legs on the handlebars, and the infamous WHEELIE.

- Noticing something ahead in the road, Bret attempts to swerve away from it. What was it? A giant, unused, SCREW.

- Bret hits the screw, which in turn causes his bike to fly out of control, smash into a pothole, and send Bret flying into the air much like his brother Owen years before. And, much like his brother, Bret lands directly on his head. For a moment Bret wished he had the harness Owen used. Then he remembered the harness snapped, much like Owen’s chicken neck.

- Immediately after the accident, as Bret was trying to regain his composure, Earl Hebner ran out, rang a bell, and awarded the bicycle the WWF championship.

- Although believed otherwise, HBK did, in fact, know about the bike incident before it happened.

- In the hospital Bret identified his assailant to Canadian Mounties. They quickly drew a composite sketch of what the culprit looks like. So if you see this :

Please make sure to notify the authorities.

- Rumor has it that the citizens of Canadia were so upset by the tragic news that they have begun a national ban of all two-wheeled objects. Americans, in response, have begun a national ban of all Canadians.

As you know, or don’t know, or maybe know a little bit of but haven’t heard the whole story yet, Bret got the shit kicked out of him by Goldberg, literally. See :

Notice the point of impact is directly to the noggin of one Mr. Hart. This is dangerous because the head controls most of the things the body does, such as whining, crying, and whining about crying. Without this vital part of Bret’s anatomy, we may never get to hear about the Montreal incident ever again, which would simply be the biggest shame EVER.

So as you can imagine, Bret flying 400 feet off his bicycle and hitting his head while trying to save a child from a burning building inbetween running food to homeless shelters is NOT good for our Canadian hero.

But take your cry coins and put them away, fellow Bret Hart fans! I have inside information (also known as “insider info”) on the health status of the Hitman. Basically, when you get kicked in the head by a 600 pound Jewish monstrosity who eats raw potatoes for breakfast every morning, and THEN are kicked in the head by a 1500 pound bike which was obviously against you the whole time you rode it, it creates these little tiny clumps of blood that clot called “blood clots”. The clots then travel along your inside creating all sorts of havoc, not unlike when you eat a Slim Jim and he has a party in your stomach. The clots sometimes take days to maneuver around all the fat stored in your body (well, in Judge Gonz’s case it’d take them months), before finally finding your brain organ. Once they find that bad boy, well, it’s all over. Thankfully, doctors have said Bret will be perfectly fine as they’ve found the clot and now have to figure out a way to destroy it before it can destroy Bret. But doctors were shocked when they discovered that Bret's clot looked a tad familiar….

BAHAHAHAHAHA. VINCE ALWAYS WINS IN THE END BRET, VINCE ALWAYS WINS.