Pitching a hissy-fit is a staple of human behavior. It’s what our country was built on. If the colonials hadn’t whined about the British doing something innocent like slaughtering them daily, there’d be no America. Doing our forefathers proud, we continue whining like schoolgirls to this day.

If there’s something you want, surely you can cry your way into getting it. In fact, being a whiner is one of best things to be. Hell, without that I’d probably have never gotten laid. Twice. By paying for it*. Of course, true whining to get your way only works for women and, occasionally, wrestlers.

There are a few infamous babies in the wrestling industry. Most of the clique was known for their “sob to get your way” abilities. Nash, HBK, X-Pac. Whiner, whiney, whinest. Then there’s Hogan, who managed to whine his way to more world titles than he can remember. And that, folks, is your obligatory “Hogan is so fucking OLD LOL!” joke for the post.

But the two most infamous whiners in wrestling history are probably two of the wrestlers I hate the most.

I’ve never liked Stone Cold Steve Austin. I can understand his appeal but, c’mon, after over 5 years of the exact same thing one has to get tired of it. Wait, I retract my statement. He added the word “WHAT?!” to his character six months ago. I take it back. I don’t understand his appeal at all.

And it’s no secret how I feel about Bret “Shitstain” Hart.

But one question has been plaguing me like Gonz plagues Krispy Kreme donut shops hours before (and after) they open. Who is the bigger whiner? Austin or Bret? We all know most of the back-story on Bret but truths about Austin’s manipulative ways are coming out of the closet faster than Barbwire Mike at a NAMBLA meeting.

So, to answer my own “World’s Best Wrestling Whiner” question and waste much time, I’ve decided to compare their “trump cards”, so to speak, in the world of acting like a 4 year old to get your way.

VS.

Stone Cold : Austin power-whined his way into, well, nothing really. After his walkout at WrestleMania and subsequent return, he was put into a feud with, uh, Eddie Guerrero. What was accomplished? Well, Austin managed to whine his way DOWN the card, all the way to the upper mid-card in a matter of a few weeks. Good work.

Bret Hart : Now Bret is a different story. When Bret walked out on Vince over HBK’s continuing refusals to job, Vince responded with a 20 YEAR lifetime contract at well over a million per year, plus all kinds of excellent stipulations including character control. The deal fell through, but Bret’s negotiation skills through his crying set the standard most wrestlers attempt to follow even today.

Advantage : Bret Hart. A feud with Guerrero vs. a 20 year lucrative contract. Austin had no chance.

Stone Cold : I'm not familiar with Austin ever hitting someone, although there have been tons of rumors out there, not the least of which was the recent "Debra/wife beater" rumor. Still, nothing concrete.

Bret Hart : Bret was involved in not one but TWO physical confrontations. After learning that HULK HOGAN would be returning to the WWF at WrestleMania 9, Bret was furious. See, plans were for Bret to job to Yokozuna in the main event in what was pretty much a squash considering it was the main event of the biggest show of the year. Bret then learned that Hogan, who was only involved in a simple mid-card tag team match earlier in the show, would be booked to run down to the ring, check on Bret, then quickly fight with and pin Yokozuna in about 30 seconds, making Bret look REALLY pathetic. Bret, taking exception to this, met Hogan in the parking lot of a local gym the night before the show and, well, punched him in the fucking head. Interestingly enough, this wasn’t even the most infamous punch Bret would ever land while upset. After being “screwed” out of the WWF Title, Bret immediately went back to his locker room to shower. Vince showed up, knowing Bret was upset, wanting to talk about things. Bret explained that if Vince was still in the locker room after his shower, he’d be getting punched in the fucking head. Vince stayed and the rest is history.

Advantage : Bret Hart. He wins this one swinging. Ooh, wait, “swinging”! ZING.

Stone Cold : Let’s see. During his first title run Austin refused to work with anyone who wasn’t Undertaker or Kane and, later, flat out refused to work a program with Jeff Jarrett. Austin was infamous for turning his feuds with The Rock into this generation’s Hogan/Savage, where Rock couldn’t get a clean victory over Austin no matter the circumstances. No wonder Austin said on Byte This that he’d love to work with the Rock again as soon as he came back (yeah, fat chance of that happening while Rock is getting paid 100 billion dollars to sit in Hawaii while a camera points at him).

Bret Hart : Although Bret was hardly the instigator, there were multiple times he refused to work with, job to, or even be in the same building as HBK. There are other instances where Bret was a prick about jobbing, but that’s the most known.

Advantage : Bret Hart. Austin may have been a bigger prick about refusing to job, but they sure did a good job keeping it under wraps. Due to Bret whining loud enough that the entire world heard it, everyone knew the problems between him and HBK.

Stone Cold : The biggest fuss Austin has made publicly has been on WWE.com’s “Byte This” show. Not everyone who watches WWE television has access to the internet or, if they do, they don’t pay any attention to Byte This anyway.

Bret Hart : Bret was the first one to make a shoot comment on HBK on national WWE television which prompted an entire feud based around it. These comments would get so personal (Bret – “HBK is a little bitch.”, HBK – “Hey Bret, hope you’re having a SUNNY day today”) that, at one point, both Bret and HBK “quit” the WWE altogether, each refusing to continue their feud with the other guy.

Advantage : Bret Hart. Austin may have had a big mouth about his hang-ups, but Bret went on national television with them. I’d say that earns Bret the nod here.

Stone Cold : What?

Bret Hart : Best there is, best there was, blah blah will be blah.

Advantage : Stone Cold. Sorry, I realize this really has nothing to do with them being crybabies, but Bret was going to blow Stone Cold out of the water so I needed to throw Austin a bone.

OVERALL BIGGEST WHINER : Bret Hart. Was there ever any doubt? We didn’t even TOUCH on the whole “my family waaaaah my family waaaaaah” stuff.

Lesson learned by Bret and Stone Cold : You can whine as much as you want. But, if you do, just make sure you don’t run across this guy :

He doesn’t seem to like whiners.