Being that I’ve never stepped foot inside of a ring, I figure I’ll be a natural fit into the current WWE product. I’ll turn those sagging ratings around in no time!

After refusing a program in which I’d be introduced as Mr. McMahon’s new plaything (turns out I didn’t have the cleavage for it anyway, which explains why Stacy Keibler got taken out of that role too….ZING!), Jim Ross called me at home late last night to inform me I’d be given the Sid-Warrior-Hogan-Undertaker-Goldberg-Brock push. In other words, I’m going to be squashing quality talent even though I don’t know the first thing about wrestling. “But Mr. Ross, sir” I started to say, “I’ve never even stepped inside of the ring before. What do I do, hoss hoss barbeque sauce?”

“Why hell son, I don’t give a golly sweet damn what you do. Just go out there and pin whoever we put in the ring with you”, was JR’s blubbery reply.

I figured I don’t really need a moveset, only a finisher. So after hours of trying out different moves and pinning combinations, I decided to call my finisher the “Forum Deletion”. It’s a guaranteed “heat getter”.

And so came the first person to do the time-honored tradition and put me over…

Chris Jericho

The man most intimate with the glass ceiling is also their first choice to job to me. I’ve seen him lose in all the quality federations, ECW, WCW, WWE, BYOB, LMNOP, etc. I figure I could take most of his offensive arsenal which consists of :

1) Arm bar
2) Flippity-floppity peanut-buttery backwards jumpity-dumpity thing that only seems to connect Jericho’s stomach to the mat instead of doing any real damage to his opponent.
3) Arm bar
4) Some move where he holds the ankles of his opponent and grimaces intensely, looking like he’s holding in an enormous shit while his opponents snicker at him.
5) Arm bar
6) Laying down on his back in the middle of the ring with the back of his kneecaps and elbows touching the mat. This move is known in some circles as the “Funaki special”.
7) Arm bar

As long as I can keep away from his arm bar, I’ll be all set. How you ask? Why, dear friend, by using….

THE POWER OF THE INTERNET

Jericho has a proven weakness. It’s criticism. You’d think after being told he wasn’t worth putting in a feud with GOLDBERG, he’d have a bit thicker skin than that. Especially when it was a guy like Eric Bischoff giving him that news. Go figure.

So anyhow, I plan to bring my laptop into the ring with me. As we start off the match I’ll fire up the DVD player and begin watching some old matches of his. If he comes to attack me with any one of his seven moves, I’ll simply give his matches negative ratings. Much like the effects of garlic on a vampire, this will cause Jericho immediate pain in either the heart or the stomach, depending on how low the scores go. I figure once I rate his EPIC match with Rhyno, where he fell off the top rope about 3 times and missed so many spots he made Jackie Gayda look like a competent wrestler by comparison, he should be weak enough to simply defeat with a roll-up.

And I’m sure once I finish pinning Jericho, HHH will run out with his sledgehammer and use it to put himself over Jericho as well.

And as soon as he’s done pinning Jericho, Stephanie will come out of retirement to kick him in the nuts and pin him again.

I’m sure Chris will then immediately run to the back, log on the internet, and type a new commentary in which he says he hates op board writers with the fire of a thousand suns and he will never been seen back on the internet as he’s using all of his hatred to destroy any computer he can find. In an ironic twist, he will then use the Byte This internet show to say how much he really TRULY hates the internet.

Boy, that just went on and on didn’t it?

Final Verdict : Jericho goes down cleanly, to multiple people. However, in retrospect, this does nothing for my newfound wrestling career and was a waste of everyone’s time. Good thing I carried him to a five star match and a MOTY candidate! *cough*

Lita

If I could manage to defeat Lita it would surely get me over, heel-wise, with females aged 10-12. The front office assures me that, although I’ll get on the bad side of a few training bra wearing middle-schoolers, I’ll be WAY over with the fatties, who seem to outnumber every other contingent of wrestling fan. Why would I get over so well with the fatties, you ask? I think it’s because I weigh 160 pounds, I’m as pale as an albino, and I have absolutely no muscle mass. Well, either that or because the fatties think I would look really good for about 35 minutes at 350 degrees with an apple in my mouth. In either case, Lita is going down and going down HARD. And then she’s going to job to me.

Much like with Jericho, I’ve devised a list of tricky moves that I’d best stay away from which might guarantee Lita a quick victory over me, instantly ruining my credibility…

1) The shirt rip which promptly reveals a black bra holding back lovely breasticles.
2) Testicular shot to the opponent after said shirt rip. Balls should be thoroughly blue by this point, making said shot to the nards that much more effective.
3) A maneuver in which Lita positions her legs around her opponents head and proceeds to break her own neck. How this injures the opponent is beyond me.

Lita also has a little known power she siphoned off 5 rather portly British pop stars back in the late 90’s. Very similar to Hulk Hogan’s “Hulking it all up”, Lita possesses that which is known as “GIRL POWER”. This is a fascinating feat in which all her fans get together and are made to believe that girls are equal to boys in every which way. Lita takes all the energy, and money, of the little girls and puts out a quick burst of offense which increases her fighting ability to an astonishing 503 and her mana to 215, unless her opponent is that of a spellcaster, in which case she must yield 3 gemstones and subsequently loses the ability to run for 45 seconds.

Final Verdict : A winner is me when Lita realizes that, no matter how many chubby N’Sync fans give her support, men will always defeat women at every walk of life regardless of their qualifications. Although it’s not exactly jumbo sized, I do have a working and fully functional penis, and that automatically guarantees me a clean pinfall over Matt Hardy’s bitch. I mean Lita, not Jeff.

Now a lot of you are asking yourselves how my “men defeat women” theory applies to Jericho’s loss to Chyna. Does this mean that Chyna has a penis or that Jericho doesn’t? The answer to the question is yes.

The Undertaker

There are many misunderstandings and little known things about the Undertaker. For starters, he rides a motorcycle to the ring. A HARLEY DAVIDSON motorcycle. Or a Honda, I’m not too sure. But I do know it’s a motorcycle! Or a car.

Another fact overlooked about the Undertaker is that he’s all about putting over young talent. No, it’s true. While HHH polishes the top of the glass ceiling with Windex twice daily just to make sure it’s spot free so everyone below can look up and clearly see him, Undertaker is a completely different type of man. He uses Pine Sol.

Jobbing doesn’t seem to come easy to Taker. From his early Mean Mark Callous days where he played a really tall guy who couldn’t wrestle to his recent title win in which he showed he was a really tall guy who couldn’t wrestle, Undertaker has proved one thing and one thing alone. He’s a really tall guy who can’t wrestle. And doesn’t job. Don’t forget that part. He doesn’t job.

Taking him down won’t be easy. I figure there are a few things I could do right off the bat to throw him off-guard :

- Do a heel turn mid-match, confusing him into what role he’s supposed to be playing. After 30 or so face/heel turns during the same match, he should be so out of his element that rolling him up for a 3 count would be easy.
- Drag a motorcycle through the desert on my back, for 100 miles, without drinking any water.
- Claim I’m the higher power. Not sure how well this will work, but it’d be amusing to see the look on his face.

Like with Lita and Jericho, there are a few devastating maneuvers Undertaker uses which will end my chances of pinning his shoulders to the mat, such as :

1) Right punch
2) Left punch
3) Right punch WITH AUTHORITY
4) Big boot (stolen from Hogan)
5) Spinning Miracle Cutter (stolen from Masked Recapper)
6) Choke-grab-drop move lifting the opponent from the mat, to 2 inches off the mat, and lowering them gently back TO the mat.

Luckily since Undertaker usually screws up these moves 9 out of 10 times he uses them, the odds are with me.

Final Verdict : After I'm beaten all over the arena, into the rafters (Blue Blazer country), down to the backstage area, and finally back into the ring, Undertaker raises my arm in a show of respect. That's when I kick him in the balls and pin him.

Bret Hart and SPECIAL GUEST

The original plan was to put me over Nashy McLimpington but he had to go and break a legbone or some such injury, making him completely immobile except for random trips to the local stripclubs in his area.

So, to make up for lack of Nash, the WWE rehired Bret Hart and planned on putting him in a handicapped match against me. But who oh who would Bret’s partner be?

OWEN FUCKING HART

That’s right! The brothers are reunited once more! Huzzah!

I know a few of their individual moves. Bret uses the sharperner and Owen uses the death drop, but I’m not quite sure what they would do as a tag team. I’ve come up with a list of possible tag team moves they could use against me :

1) Bicycle Bones. This combines the greatest of both competitors. Bret rides around in a circle tossing various bones of Owen’s at their opponent. The opponent would then yelp out “oh my God I just got hit in the back of the head with a fibula!” and would pass out, leading to a quick victory for the Hart brothers.
2) The WidowMaker. This interesting finishing move involves multiple members of the Hart family coming to the ring, dying of any number of illnesses, and all falling directly on top of the opponent. Bret then tosses himself out of his wheelchair and gets on top of the pile of dead Hart family members, scoring the pinfall. Canadians everywhere rejoice in Bret’s triumph!

All kidding aside, Bret is still a lethal competitor and Owen really, really smells. I figure I could always hit Owen with a stunner, as it worked so well for Steve Austin, but the problem is he really has no neck to hold on to. I’d have to kind of place the skull/spine combo on my shoulder and then drop to my ass. That should take care of Owen rather quickly, but Bret still poses a huge problem.

Final Verdict : I barely nudge out a victory here after I pull out Bret’s biggest fear, the TORAH. That’s right baby! We’re going old school Moses on his ass. Bret sees the religious innuendo, freaks out remembering what Goldjew did to him, and collapses into a puddle of his own drool.

There you have it. There are quite a few wrestlers who would job to me, given the right circumstance. Unfortunately with all the politics and crazy shenanigans going on in the WWE locker room, I’d probably be quickly depushed after my 15 minutes of fame. Hey, at least there’s always NWA : TNA to fall back on. Phft.