True enough Jerry, true enough. Mike may pay the bills around these parts, but that doesn’t disqualify him from joining the rainbow club for faggity fag faggots. Fag.

Welcome to the only prediction post on the entire internet which is both correct AND written by me. That’s a combination you don’t find much of, unless you’re reading this post, in which case you’ve found said combination and are probably high off the adrenaline rush you’re feeling. Fag.

I meant Barbwire Mike, not you readers.

The last sentence was a complete lie.

In any event, this month’s PPV is both important and impotant. We have a stellar line up consisting of that one big tall guy against the other big tall guy, a short midget person against a medium sized somebody, and a really fat tubby bubbly against a skinnier, less rotund opponent. Y’know, that one dude with the hair and junk.

So, instead of typing up more shit to stall and make this weak post look even longer, let’s get to the predicting! As always, I’m joined by my partner in crime, Pi(e), and another guest who is definitely special in every sense of the word.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Edge

MMN : Why are these two feuding again? I don’t see how this helps either guy. Guerrero has been floundering since he lost the IC belt to RVD and Edge is teetering on that main event push they’ve been promising him for 6 months. It seems to me they need to either bite the fucking bullet and push Edge to the moon or just keep him where he’s at, in the upper midcard, and stop kvetching about him getting the push that’s never going to happen. This is a tough one to call, but let’s say that Benoit runs out to help Eddie win. Fag.

Winner : Eddie Guerrero

- PIE : I’m delicious and made with apples. I taste great with vanilla ice cream. Put me in your belly.

Winner : Eddie Guerrero

Sabotage : While still very green, Brian Hebner has a very promising future ahead of him. Brian's getting a lot of heat lately, particularly for holding down other, more talented officials, but due to his connections and backstage in's, it looks like we'll be seeing young Brian for a long time. Look for Hebner, a second generation superstar, to deliver a clean, solid opener.

Referee Prediction : Brian Hebner

Horse vs. Jackass

MMN : I told Sab to make the referee predictions funny, at least. Fucking kid couldn’t even do that right.

Anyhow, Taker and Test, a battle for the ages. Really, Taker doesn’t need to go over here, but since it’s Test, it doesn’t matter. Test could get 50 wins over the Undertaker and still nobody would give a damn about him. I think his being Canadian is partly to blame for that. And for fuck’s sake, he’s doing STACY KEIBLER. God damn. I hope Taker powerbombs him into paralysis.

Winner : Undertaker

- PIE : Hello. Key Lime pie here. I’m from Florida. This gimmick lost it’s funny after apple pie, yet this just keeps going.

Winner : Undertaker

Sabotage : While many superstars falsely accuse Vince of being biased towards them due to their gender, Teddy Long may have a legitimate claim. Teddy is one of the hardest working men in the business today, yet is somehow relegated to mid-card at best. Long always puts on a good show, he'll shine here without a doubt.

Referee Prediction : Teddy Long

Y2J vs. Flair

MMN : This one is pretty much a no-brainer. See, here’s the way it works. Chris Jericho has his shoulders down more than the local whore. This is a guy who has made a career out of being a second rate cruiserweight trying to convince the world he’s a main event star. Jericho needs about 30 more pounds of muscle, a few more inches, and his dick in a McMahon before he can even think about being anything important. And hey, I hear Linda likes younger men.

Winner : Ric WHOOOOOOO Flair

- PIE : Hey! Pecan pie here! Has anyone seen that Judge Gonz fellow around? I think he’s trying to eat me! I saw him down a few of my friends. He ate slices of them like most men eat tic tacs! It was fucking insane I tell you, INSANE.

Winner : Chris Jericho

Sabotage : ”Little Naitch” Charles Robinson is a top-draw and a fan favorite wherever he goes. No matter where he's working, WWE, WCW, Jeff Hardy's birthday party, his loyal fans (nicknamed "Naitchers") MMN’s note : Ugh, that joke was fucking terrible, Sab. come out to support him. From the moment he comes through the curtain, you know you're in for one hell of a show, and a match you'll never forget. Robinson can and will steal the show, securing his position as the man all the men want and all the ladies want to be.

Referee Prediction : Charles Robinson, aka, Little Naitch

Kurt Angle vs. Rey Rey Jr Jr

MMN : This COULD top the RVD/Benoit match as the best match of the night. Rey has done nothing but impress since his debut a few weeks ago. Thank god he’s not wearing those fucking awful horns like in the days of the Filthy Animals. Angle, as always, is the #1 guy in the company who isn’t wearing the world title and continues to carry Smackdown through drab Brock Lesnar segments. This feud has seemed to bring out the best in Angle, hitting Rey with such remarks as “I’m sorry, but you need to be THIS tall (hand to chin) to talk to Kurt Angle” and “He was the illegal man in the match and I THINK he’s an illegal citizen, too”. Even though it’d be nice for Rey to pick up a win here, I don’t see it happening. Angle continues to win as he heads towards a world title run…

Winner : Kurt Angle

- PIE : Cherry pie here. I once was at Chyna’s house, but Barbwire Mike stole me and took me to his house. Get it? Barbwire Mike took Chyna’s cherry. Ooooh! Hahahah! HahahAHhAha! Oh shit! HAHA.

Winner : Kurt Angle

Sabotage : This is the first of two matches for Tim White (known to many simply as "Sir Timmy" and "Mayor Timothy"). Monsieur Timotheire is generally regarded as a man of suprisingly great endurance, and is often relied on when someone needs to pull double duty. Coming off a hellacious injury, Baron Von Timmeh is looking to come back and show us just why he is called Mr. Timborine Man.

Referee Prediction : Tim “Too many gay nicknames do not a funny joke make, Sab” White

Booker T and Goldust vs. Unimportant NoName Canadian Wrestlers

MMN : Booker T and Goldust get a ridiculously good pop considering they’re about as worthless as an ex criminal and a fag can be. On the flip side, Christian and Lance Storm get good heat even though they don’t do anything but play the old, tired “we hate America” angle. Still, heat is heat, and they’re getting about 5 times as much as Brock Lesnar wishes he had. The titles really haven’t been on Storm and Christian long enough to rip them off so soon, but Booker T and Goldy are really due for a win here. Tough call, but I’m going to go with the champs thanks to TESTs interference.

Winner : Lance Storm and Christian

- PIE : It’s me again, still hiding from that tub of love, Judge Gonz. I think he might try to eat the computer monitor when he sees me. That boy can digest a semi-truck if it’s cut up into small enough pieces. I think he once ate his own toe after biting the toenail and deciding it was too tasty to pass up. He’s a fucking flabby freak of nature, I tell you what.

Winner : Booker T and Goldust

Sabotage : Nick Patrick is no stranger to major heat, and it only makes sense to put him in this match to help get The Unamericans over. Believe it or not, Patrick was the one who came up with the Unamericans gimmick, and is really making them look good every chance he gets. Nick truly is one of the most selfless performers in WWE, and his stock is rising for it.

Referee Prediction : Nick Patrick

RVD (god) vs. Chris Benoit (demigod)

MMN : Is there any fucking doubt who I’m going to predict here? RVD wins thanks to Guerrero running out and trying to hit RVD, but missing, and clipping Benoit in the noggin instead. RVD ends up jumping to Smackdown soon after.

Winner : Rob….Van….Motherfucking….Dam (aka The New Jesus)

- PIE : Pumpkin Pie here, a little early from my normal November appearance. The Judge Gonz jokes were really about as funny as this pie gimmick got, so let’s just go to the referee predictions.

Winner : RVD

Sabotage : What can be said about Ol' Jimmy Cordaris that hasn't been said before? I really dunno, I'm even sure who he is, I just know his name. I'm pretty sure he's white, which means he gets to ref the IC match.

Referee Prediction : Jimmy Cordaris

HHH vs HBK vs Boredom

MMN : Although I’m already sure of the winner of this match, I’m not sure of the quality. Does HBK have it left in him? Does HHH have the ability to carry his buddy to a decent match? Truthfully, I don’t think HBK has it in him anymore. Judging by his weak punches, horrible stumbling, and nearly self-crippling “jump” over the top rope on RAW, he has no fuel in the tank. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but HHH hasn’t had a good match since he came back from his injury, thereby negating his ability to actually make this a watchable match. Look for HBK to lose his return match, to renew the “monster heel” push HHH seems to be getting.

Winner : HHH

- PIE : Yeah, a pie chart, betcha didn’t see that one coming.

Winner : HBK

Sabotage : While one of the older performers in the WWE, Tim White is still very successful. He is one of the top-drawing refs of all time, and always busts his ass in hopes of finally going to the head of the class and the top of the card. Seeing White do one of his signature bumps here wouldn't come as a major shock, and would definitely add heat to an emotional (lame) matchup.

Referee Prediction : Tim White w/ big ref bump

Brock vs. Rock in the ultimate name rhyming showdown

MMN : Brock Lesnar gets a pop equivalent to that of the wannabe flunky no-name indy wrestlers who flood our forum with their boring crap about needing an entrance theme to get them some heat. In other words, nobody cares about him. The WWE has done an amazing job building this match up, with Lesnar playing mind games with the normally dominant Rock. In fact, it’s almost sad that this match has had the best buildup out of any of them, considering people only really care about one person in the damn thing. It’s quite the matchup (*snooze*), and all signs point to Rock losing the strap here, what with a magazine being printed about Lesnar and the title. But BLAH to that, says I. It wouldn’t shock me if it was just one big giant WWE swerve. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and probably make myself look stupid in the process, and predict….The Rock.

Winner and STILL champ : The Rock

- PIE : Yes, I’m poontang pie. I know, horrible joke, but hey, what else did you expect for the Rock match?

Winner : Rock, lover of the poontang.

Sabotage : Big Earl Hebner is no stranger to main eventing, and it'll be no surpise to see his constant push continued here. Earl the Pearl is known for being one of the best bumpers around, and might even show his crimson mask he's famous for at Summerslam. Hebner's only disadvantage is that he is prone to a Tim White run-in at any time, but with his veteran status, he should be able to secure the top spot once again.

Referee Prediction : Earl Hebner, screwer of Harts everywhere

Well, there you have it, the prediction post for Summerslam. I know, it was awful, but it could be worse. You could’ve been reading a TUS post. Here TUS, I’ll save you from writing any more future RAW recaps. “Raw sucks, the end”. Thank you.

MMN
It’s my birthday today, yes TODAY, you can go HERE to appreciate me. By the way, TUS, I was just kidding. Raw doesn’t suck.