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 EDITOR'S NOTE: Ever since Larry stopped writing his "USA Today" column, millions have woefully had to live without his lame jokes and disjointed thought patterns. Since we at Lethal excel in both of those, we invited Mr. King to join the fray. We only had two rules for him: 1. He must adhere to the same stringent "wrestling content only" rule that everyone else stays up until the wee hours of the morning trying to figure out ways around. 2. He's not allowed to marry any of the staff. Enjoy our latest addition.  Hi gang, Larry King here. The main reason I came to Lethal? The ringing endorsement on FARK (gone now, but it was up for a few hours). They are to journalism what I am to the institution of marriage. And if you can find an Internet celebrity dreamier than Will Wheaton, please let your Uncle Larry know.Congratulations to Brock Lesner for winning King of the Ring. Only a few months ago, no one had ever heard of the guy. To celebrate, he's going to vacation in Senegal. If you only see one movie for the rest of your life, make sure it's "Hey, Arnold". I hope they don't hold the actor's misshapen head against him when Oscar time rolls around. *** I recently conducted an interview with Pat McNeil. Mr. McNeil has come under fire of late for what some are calling a "chronic history of plagiarism and self-gratification with a toilet snake." LK: Pat, are you worried that these scandals could affect your future at Pro Wrestling Torch? PM: Larry, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. LK: I see. What about the rest of the Torch staff? Are they supporting you through this? PM: Of course. There's no "i" in "team". LK: Riiiight. But are they worried the overall credibility of the site is being compromised by your continued theft? PM: Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you. LK: That doesn't even make sense. Now, I assume you are gay. I thought you flitty guys had more creativity coming out of your ass than... wait, let me rephrase that. PM: It's OK, I know where you're going there. Yes, homosexuals have historically been considered especially creative. And no, that's not a myth. I just happen to suck. LK: One last question. You meet Food Stamp Brown in a dark alley. What do you do? PM: Run like a bitc... I mean "who?" Never heard of the guy. LK: Thanks Pat. You're a real stand-up guy. If you swung that way I'd set you up with one of my ex-wives. PM: Hahaha! Very funny, Larry. I think I'll steal that. *** Whatever happened to Duke "The Dumpster" Drozie?... If I could only use one word to describe William Regal, that word would be "British".... Who is this "Rock" guy I keep hearing about? My sources tell me he's one of the future stars of the industry. When he is, remember where you heard it first... Memory loss? Fatigue? Painful anal worms? Memory loss? Try Ginkoba. Ginkoba... nature's medicine made better by corporations and chemicals. Remember our motto: "If Mother Nature worked here, she'd be lucky to be a fluffer." Also, read my favorite website THE RING POST a lot in case you hadn’t checked the “Larry King” address and figured out who posted this yet. Is it just me, or is there something "funny" about Pat Patterson?... Billy Joel is home again after a stay in everyone's favorite Northeast rehab clinic. While I'm thrilled he's decided to use physical fitness as a way to keep his head straight, I'm less enthused to hear that his personal trainers are JESSE JAMES ARMSTRONG and ROB VAN DAM. Talk about "forver burning since the world's been turning".... Vanilla Coke may be all the rage, but I still miss "New Coke"... I'm dining in Spago’s with friends Ross Perot and the corpse of JFK, Jr. the other day, and who should stroll in but my old fishing buddy and star of the historic opus "Suburban Commando" HULK HOGAN. I told him readers would be interested in hearing what he's doing with himself these days, and you could have knocked me over with a feather when he told me he is STILL WRESTLING. As stunned as I was, that's nothing compared to my companions. John John responded "right, and I'm still flying" which caused shrimp scampi to fly out of the nose of the Reform Party Chairman. Thanks for the lasting memory, Hulkster. I sure miss "Cop Rock". Today's lackluster TV Execs could learn a thing or two from that show... Scott Steiner, who uses such colorful pseudonyms as "Big Poppa Pump" and "Genetic Freak", went to see the doctor yesterday about his foot. Reportedly he was told "Christ, you come here four times a week. Don't you have a home?... If I could defend the Hardcore Title against anyone in the business, it would be Molly... WWE claims to have the best creative team in the world, yet they can't come up with a character based on "Brian Fellows"... Quickly, I’d like to send heartfelt prayers to one of my favorite Canadians, Bret “The Hit Man” Hart. Bret was tragically injured in a bicycle accident earlier this week. Police are still looking for the car that ran him off the road; a black limousine with the license plate “WWFBOSS” with crayon markings to turn the “F” into an “E”. Get well soon, eh? Anyone who doesn’t like Fiddle Faddle should be executed…. and will be the day I take over. Larry King Wanna get hitched? |