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 With almost 40 years and as many wives in the news industry, Larry King's unique wit and unwavering dedication to uncovering the truth and reporting it in the most disjointed fashion since we evolved beyond smoke signals has earned him a reputation unlike any in journalism. We here at LW would like to say we're very proud of his association with us. We’d like to… but we can't, because we're not as he's only here as part of an old lawsuit settlement with Ted Turner. Take it away, Mr. King.  Hi gang, Larry King here. Good to see my old CNN Towers buddy Eric Bischoff back in the spotlight. He used to be a real crack-up around here, doing things like putting pornographic stirrers in the coffee when we sent him to Starbucks, leaving fake doodie in the front seat when we'd send him to get our car's oil changed, and putting invisible ink on our shirts when we'd send him to pick up our dry-cleaning... what a clever kid. I like the guy so much I don't even hold it against him that my Time Warner stock is currently worth less than a used condom...Before getting into it today I'd like to take a moment to speak to a very special reader: Ginger at THE RING POST, I'd like to ask you to marry and divorce me. And while I'm on the subject, I'd like to thank Satan for the deal that makes me attractive to women. Steve Austin is staying mum on the events leading up to his dismissal. Meanwhile, Debra is telling the complete story to anyone that will listen, however it's impossible to listen to her for more than two sentences without seriously contemplating suicide (doctors in Sweden call this the "Stephanie Effect") so the mystery continues... Bill Goldberg still hasn't signed with the WWE. There's nothing new to that story but then again there hasn't been in over a year yet someone still reports it daily. Today was my turn... Bret Hart was released from the hospital a few days early after nurses couldn't take any more complaints about the candy stripers "screwing him out of extra Jell-O"... Triple H had lunch with his future Father in Law at the trendy Beverly Hills "Michél Dees" the other day, and witnesses stated the eldest McMahon was having quite a bit of fun at the expense of his employee over Big Macs. According to one report, Hunter was told between giggles "yes, I'm proud of the 'asshole' chants you're getting... but you want those from the crowd, not from the locker room as you walk out of it." Helmsley responded with a bunch of words that ended in "ah".... Speaking of "The Game", rumors that he makes his wife put on a black wig and strap-on will remain only rumors after the video that WWE officials say never existed was purchased by the company. It will now go into storage with Vince Russo's book and the discomforting outtakes of "Wrestling With Shadows" where an angry Bret tells Owen to “go jump off a roof”. Australian fans are bitter at the WWE for pulling Hulk Hogan off their "Global Warming" Tour. Across the world Americans are projecting similar feelings over Rikishi not being taken off house shows... The latest from Chris Jericho's band Fozzie Osbourne, entitled "One Day I'll Figure Out the Shelf-Life of Novelty Gimmicks", is in stores now... If William Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be part of the creative team for "Spy Gals"... Sean Waltman, better known as "X Pac", tells me his issues with the company have been sorted out and he should be returning to a full-time role soon. I asked if he was going to be given a new gimmick other than "X Pac Sucks", to which he responded "no, I'll always suck". Ironically, Nancy Sinatra always has that exact same answer when the question is posed to her... I can't stop raving about the Atkins Diet, kids. It's kept my wife so fit and trim I'm thinking of postponing our Anniversary divorce until next year... DDP, recently retired from his on-air role, is estatic about his new position in the company. "It's great", Mr. Faulkenburg says. "I crouch into a crawling position and get to be Vince's footstool. It keeps the lights on, AND it's very therapeutic for the back. I'm glad the position came available, after Droz was promoted to 'feather duster'". And that's not a BAD thing... Hollywood Hogan isn't finding lots of love in the city that bears his nickname. He's having scores of problems trying to pitch the treatment for his new autobiographical script. "I figured I'd call the backers of my previous films, but they are very bitter, bitter people." You and Cosner, Hulk. Long-time fan favorite "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan is once again in his former "Nitro" role of a disgruntled janitor. You can see this inspired performance every weekday and alternate Saturdays as he reprises it at the Burger King on 83rd during the breakfast shift... Anna Nicole Smith has great potential to be the next "ex-Mrs. Larry King"... Kevin Nash's woes continue. In addition to his knee problems, he's now suffering from a painful toothache. This latest setback has pushed his return back to approximately 2004... If I could use one word to describe the latest thriller by Tom Clancy, that word would be "fiction". XPW chairman Rob Black continues to dodge rumors of his ties to attack on former stand-out employee "The Messiah". In a statement Black says "I am completely innocent, and wish people would stop making baseless rumors. However, NOBODY touches my wife." I tried to reach Mrs. Black for comment, but she was busy being doused in feces and candle wax by 6 African Americans wearing Scrooge McDuck masks for the latest Extreme Associates opus. The show must go on... Rob Van Dam recently addressed an auditorium full of school children at a D.A.R.E. rally in Van Nuys, Ca. on the dangers of drug use. "Don't buy from anyone unless you know them, and always bring your own scales". Nice to see someone making a difference... "The Big Show" is preparing for his biggest movie role since "The Waterboy", playing "guy #4 in background at restaurant" for the new Pacino project... If you turned on a computer to read this, Chris Jericho wants you dead... In school they teach you that "Ambrosia" is nectar of the Gods, but I'm convinced Pepsi Blue is what they really party with. Larry King Talk about not knowing a gimmick's shelf life... |