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 A few notes before we get started. Thanks for the MASSIVE response to NASH’S SACRIFICE. We’ve heard from LW fans, from new readers this has brought in, from well-placed names in both the wrestling and news world, and even been threatened by his website… or more specifically, “Cybergaurd” who was hired to protect them AFTER we found them (which is ALL we’ve heard, so the “Nash is suing Lethal” rumors are FALSE, FALSE, FALSE… for now). Should have the new Zenk later today, and in the meantime we got Jones, Ginger, and SamJerry with new stuff since the last shill at THE RING POST. Speaking of the “sort of” best lady writer in our genre, her current “crush” has made her loved ones very concerned for her mental health. Pray for her, people. Jim at PHANTASMO brings us today’s banner. Jimbo’s been one of my fave people on this little medium for a long freakin’ time, and on top of everything else I love him for being one of the guys that “twiztid” my arm into buying Big Money Hustlas on DVD. Go join the OLDEST remaining forum in the “scene”, WARP ASYLUM, and kiss his ass or better yet say something stupid so you can see where he really shines. Since it’s a holiday Sunday and since Tommy already mentioned it in his last post (give the man some feedback over the CSME’s. Don’t you realize how lucky you are to have him?), today’s post is brought to you by JAGERMEISTER which I’m about to hit the first of right as the clock strikes noon… oh GODDAMN that’s the stuff. And I THOUGHT I was getting lucky with Confidential being a repeat, but when I went to check I did the dates I see that this was aired the weekend of that “unpleasantness” so we were offline. SHIT, I KNEW one day we’d find a bad side to the split (other than not having Uncle Zeke on our forum anymore). Ready? Let’s hop to it (no, that’s not a dig at Nash). WWE VELOCITY 8/30/02 As is becoming a trend, I start the tape late again. Chavo Guererro is taking on Hurricane. Chavo starts out by tossing out the Hurricanes cape. Didn’t they do a song about that or something? You don’t toss Hurricane’s cape You don’t piss into the wind You don’t try and outdrink MMN with Midouri Sours And you don’t fuck around with Jim Hurricane starts out with a savage shot to the nuts from atop the tree of woe. I think we have Lloyd and Cole back which means NO LITA, making me as happy as you can be considering who we’ve got instead. They discuss the #1 Contender tournament on Smackdown which I’m totally out of the loop with since I was watching Axl Rose, otherwise known as the GOD OF ROCK AND ROLL instead. Slash who? Chavo stomps Hurricane in the corner and goes for a two count. Apparently Undertaker is now on Smackdown because we’ve heard so much about where that’s going to be the program that showcases athletic ability. Shane pulls out the Eye of the Hurricane but is too battered to capitalize on it. With the advantage he delivers a HIGH cross body to the Texican and gets a couple of near falls. He makes the fatal mistake of showboating before giving his choke slam though, and after pulling the tights on a roll-up Chavo is your winner. Match was as good as you’d expect. We get clips of the stars of the WWE at the big NY rally for whatever. Angle tells us they are there to once again promote “SmackDown Your Vote”. Why is Edge there, then? He can’t vote in this country. He’s from that place where they choose their leaders by curling contests, eh. The Rock signs a copy of the Constitution (they were going to have it on hemp paper like the original, but they were afraid RVD would try to smoke it), and George Pataki gives totally unsolicited praise of the company that has NOTHING to do with Vince’s contributions to his campaigns. Later tonight, Billy and Chuck will take on Orton and Hardcore. Mark Lloyd doesn’t know whether to beat off or hide under the desk. Also, Funaki gets a cruiserweight shot at Noble… INDEEED!! Commercials SMOKE WHACKO TOBACCO IF YOU’RE A TEEN REPLAY: Bautista powerbombs D-Von while Feminem was calling Moby a chick. Well, whaddaya know, it’s ALBERT. We all know the rule, but out of curiosity who is he working? HA! Mark Henry, talk about killing two birds with one stone. *fast forward* Up next, we take a look at this #1 Contender thingy. Commercials Stephanie is talking to “an unknown superstar” about to jump when Matt hangs up the phone on her. She decides to make him pay by murdering him… that is to say she books him in a non-title match with Brock. Brock destroys him until Matt ducks under him to send the champ to the floor. Matt flies HIGH from the top rope and Brock STILL catches him. FUCK!! He gets a move or so in after that but really it’s all a matter of waiting for his finisher. Wow, that segment was shorter without fast-forward than the one before with it. Commercials FOOT LOCKER REWIND: Rey does some neat moves on Rico and pins him. Randy Orton has pretty cool music. He gives love to the crowd, then his partner comes out… along with his opponents. The former champs don’t act fruity but instead go in and get in the faces of their opponents. “These guys do not like each other”, Lloyd remarks. “They don’t like you either I hear”, Cole answers. I’d make a joke here but I’m too flippin’ happy that Lita’s gone. The heels get the early advantage with their dirty tactics, tagging in and out and brutalizing Hardcore while Randy waits to make a difference in the corner. Hardcore of course gets bursts of momentum to put a hurtin’ on… but nothing sustained enough to make a tag. Out of nowhere, he escapes a famouser and drops the Best Drop kick in the business that doesn’t belong to John Cena or Lance Storm or Maven or his partner. HOT TAG and although the crowd doesn’t seem to care Cole describes the action as “ballistic”. Lloyd starts dreaming of his own “ballistic” action with the heel contingent. Randy nearly takes out Chuck and then everyone’s in there. Randy does some insane famouser spot of his own but Rico’s distracting of the ref allows Billy to do his reverse choke slam thing and steal the win. Lloyd makes an issue about how well Rico did his job in that spot. Coming up next, the #1 Contender hopefuls. Commercials Spot for Confidential. I really can’t see a need to recap something three months ago. How about I just finish this and give you another post that was supposed to go up earlier in the week until other things took precedence? So now Brock is exclusive to SD and so is Undertaker. Wow, bet those two things couldn’t have a thing to do with each other. Let’s find out together as we find out who the new #1 Contender is… Eddy beats Edge by holding up a chair when the spear is about to happen. Pretty cool. He then loses to Rikishi but then buries him with Benoit, who later makes him tap out. Chris is set to take on Angle when Stephanie announces Undertaker as the third competitor in the match. Oh good grief. Of course he gets double teamed and powers out of it because he is the phenom. We cut and go back to him breaking out of the german suplex then getting a chokeslam on Benoit. Then he gets out of both the anklelock and crossface before Kurt and Chris turn on each other. Anklelock in the middle of the ring but Chris makes the ropes. Angle up again and Olympic slams Taker but then misses on Benoit and goes flying. UT recovers and becomes the #1 contender. Fucking yippee. Cole: “Undertaker has a lot more experience in that ring than the Next Big Thing.” Lloyd: “You know who has experience? Nidia, and she’s coming up next.” Heh, that was cute. Commercials The “Number 1 Interviewer from Smackdown” comes out, and Lloyd cries about the diss. Then the Inbred Connection comes out and they grope each other. The announcers discuss her make out contest and I SWEAR THIS IS A QUOTE: “I liked the guy she blew off and how he left the stage.” Geez, you miss ONE WEEK and UPN goes porno. “Funaki” chant is pretty loud. High spots early on but the Asian is hypnotized by “huge American breast”. Noble puts on a beating, saying “boy” a lot in the process. Lloyd continues to whine that Funaki gets all the best interviews and Cole makes fun of him. Cole tells him that when he becomes the number one interviewer on Smackdown maybe ha can afford a new trailer like the champ has. Funaki gets DRILLED with a reverse piledriver, but somehow kicks out. Though dazed he does an IN AIR tornado DDT. WOW!! Two count, but a quick recovery by Jamie allows him to deliver the tiger bomb and the win. Funaki stays laid out for quite a while after that one. Cole and Lloyd remind us that the only place to see cruisers is on SD, and we’re do… NO WE’RE NOT, FUNAKI HAS THE MIC!! “I may have roose to Jamie Knobah… but I know you peopre stir ruve me… because I am Smackdown numbah one announcaw.” Then he does the Nestea plunge into unconsciousness. Classic. And we’re done with that show. I really can’t see me doing Confidential. So, here’s an ENTIRE NEW BARBWIRE MIKE POST. The photoshopped pictures come to you courtesy of our own MMN (now “legal”). Wait, did I say a BwM post? I meant a um… GUEST POST! Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket. Without further ado, let’s get to it. “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” By Kane HI! My name is Kane, and you may know me from my many appearances on WWE television; including incidents where I killed my parents, set my arm on fire, power bombed Pete Rose, and had a long, torrid affair with the recently-terminated X-Pac. As you're probably aware, I suffered a painful injury early in the year that left me sidelined for months. I'm sure you know that an injury in this business can often take a person out of the game for a long time, sometimes even permanently. Such is the life of being a big-time wrestling star, and being undead only exacerbates the problems. Granted, the doctors say there is no indication I'm any more dead than they are, but when Vince McMahon tells you to live your gimmick, I promise you... you live that gimmick. So I have spent the last few months rehabbing my broken body and practicing my "growly voice". But in addition to the hard work I have also had a chance to do a little traveling. This is the first time in years that I've been able to do so without spending the whole day in different locker rooms trying to keep Raven from putting GHB into my Pepsi and watching Tommy Dreamer eat urinal cakes. My good friends at Lethal Wrestling have asked me if I would mind keeping a journal of my activities so that you, the fans, can have some unique insight into the private lives of the people you guys spend so much time watching and making up rumors about. Hopefully after this, you will look at the people who entertain you on Mondays, Thursdays, and sometimes Sundays (um... unless you tape the shows and watch them on different days. What am I? Ti-Vo? Watch us whenever the hell you want) in a whole new light. June 29, 2002- Waco, Texas The first stop on the "Kane across America" tour, which should probably have started on one of the coasts but that's what happens when you try to book yourself instead of letting Paul Bearer handle things, was to visit the final resting place of my parents. This was a bittersweet reunion. On the one hand, they raised and nurtured and fed me. On the other, I set them on fire and killed them. Well, I apologized and while mom seemed to accept it, dad told me I should feel the same pain he did, then I told him that big bro sets me on fire all the time in front of millions of people and he seemed to accept that and made sure I wasn't voting democrat. I reminded him that I'm a Texan and then used my incredible mental powers to burn a bird that pooped on mom's headstone. It actually wound up doing far more damage to it but my heart was in the right place. Rest in peace, mom and dad. And unlike my greedy older brother, I don't just mean it as a catch-phrase. July 1, 2002- Tampa, Florida Ah, my two favorite people... both residing in the foreskin of America's wang. First I stop off at my old buddy Sean's house, who you people know as X-Pac. Now despite many, many (oh GOD so many) rumors about us, we are JUST FRIENDS! Sean's a little distraught about his recent termination but has stepped it up a notch and is once again gainfully employed. So I waited outside his front door until his bussing shift at Red Lobster ended and we chewed the fat. Now, Sean has smoked a little bit of that wacky tobaccy over the years, so when he asked me if I "remembered that time we had a TV match" I had to remind him that what he remembers as a single match is in actuality 5,734 of them. Anyway, we chewed the fat for the better part of the afternoon, then exchanged From there I headed up the road, anxious to see my squeeze for the first time in many months. Tory was an unfortunate victim of the "only one person can have a name and whichever is the most attractive doesn't get fired" rule, but she's a great girl and has a fantastic singing voice, especially for a ninja. So many great memories, I was literally about to jump out of my skin in anticipation of seeing her again... until I got to the front door.  Yipes!! After quickly explaining that I wasn't really Kane, but actually his long-lost cousin trying to find him in order to run a scam on him I made a hasty retreat. I didn't want to stick around long enough to find out if she actually bought it or not... although the rolling pin that went whizzing past my forehead told me odds were long at best, especially since she was screaming "Come back here Kane and give me some of your good stuff". Oh well, life sucks like that sometimes. July 13, 2002- Greenville, South Carolina After spending the big holiday and some free time on the beaches in Miami I continue my travels. Wanting to breathe in the countryside I cash in my plane ticket and rent a car, heading up the coast. I didn't have any plans to have a stopover in the Bible Belt but then I happened upon the coolest thing EVER!! PERSONALIZED TOILETS. I kid you not, these are without a doubt the greatest invention in the history of mankind. Granted, it's a little inconvenient at first, and seems sort of unnecessary since you have to stand on top of another toilet, but WOOOHOOOO!! First off, it gives you directions IN HUMAN SOUNDING AUDIO on how to use it as soon as you walk in, and once you've inserted your "equipment" where it's supposed to go it gives a whole new meaning to the term "receiving special attention". I do wish they'd change the automated voice to a woman's since it is a very erotic experience, but that's a small complaint. I was so blown away by these I got a hotel room nearby and made a whole weekend out of it. I don't watch many movies but I think these may have been featured in "There's Something About Mary", because when I told Mark about them he began laughing really hard and asked whether I'd ever seen that (which obviously I haven't). Again, thumbs up to the south... their politics and educational systems may be backwards, but no one works harder to make a pleasurable experience out of relieving yourself. July 22, 2002- Birmingham, Alabama  Next along my route was stopping off to see my old friend Kevin Nash. Big Sexy and I have been buddies for years since we were both “Diesels” and have had unnatural relationships with X-Pac (hehehe, note to self: EDIT THAT OUT before sending to webmaster). Kev is so dedicated to his craft it’s truly a tragedy what happened to him. Fortunately thanks to the long and painful hours of rehab and adherence to the rigors of it, he’ll be back in no time. I swear if Nash’s leg were to fall off, he’d still find the will to work himself back into top condition. That’s the kind of admirable athlete he is (geez, I hope I don’t go to Hell for those whoppers, but what the hey… a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks. Shit, better remember to edit this out too). August 1, 2002- Cawter City, Kansas  The last stop on my trip was to Kansas, to see the world’s largest ball of twine. Because really, if you’re going to travel cross-country (or “up and down country” or “a segment of the country” or whatever) this is something you just have to see. It’s an American tradition or something, like being in a gang or not being able to tell the difference between Asian or Middle-Eastern populations. Anyway, that’s how my summer vacation was spent. Saw a lot of our great country and met many awesome fans along the way. Now I’m headed back to Stamford to complete my re-conditioning and meet with the designers on my new outfit, which I’ve been assured is the complete “opposite of gay”. I can’t wait. Look for me back in the ring by Labor Day, and God Bless.  xxxooo, Kane Have a Happy Holiday, everyone. Barbwire Mike Now time for SERIOUS drinking |