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 “Barbwire Mike: Your artistically valid homophobe”. Hehehe, thanks Dime. A few pre-recap notes: THE RING POST has a GREAT new look. Gone is the oversized front page, and we’re back in black. Plus it’s being kicked off with a brand new GINGER column, and Tom Zenk and Annie should be up later today. Great to see you back at the helm, Yeahgr… it really looks freaking suave, dude. Speaking of Zenk, before he was writing on the net he was the most entertaining interview on wrestling radio shows. TONIGHT you get a chance to hear it firsthand. Be sure to check it out at 11 pm on the only time zone that matters at THE LAW. I promise this is something you don’t want to miss. There’s a show in Manhattan on Thursday, Sept. 26 featuring many of the biggest names on the Indy scene. You may have even read on some of the news sites that MAJOR LEAGUE WRESTLING is having a fatal four-way to crown a new champ after stripping Shane Douglas of the title earlier in the week. Sure there are lots of indy groups in the country, so what makes this one so special? Well, helping with some promotional work is the legendary REV. TOBY. So follow the link and see why he’s so gung-ho about these guys and then WRITE HIM and tell him how much you’d like to see a guest post or two from one of the guys that took XWrestling to such great heights (forum registration required). FUCK we’re starting late today. Oh well, it’d be even later if the Lions weren’t already football’s worst team. Let’s do this. NOTE: I’m criminally low on weed today. If this blows, you now know why. WWE VELOCITY 9/14/02 Whaddaya know, tapes in on time this week. HA! Slamball is a Tollin/Robbins Production. Just before wrestling starts there’s a huge TRP graphic. Hmmm, I need to see about working a tie-in there. The colors are even similar to the new look. That roxors. The Angle/Rock cartoon pic is gone again. I guess the WWE doesn’t want to look gay with a new season of wrestling starting out. Oh, wait… OPENING GRAPHIC, WILD CROWD, EXPLODIES (inside joke). Tonight Tajiri and Noble take on the Hurricane and NEW SMACKDOWN ACQUISTION CRASH HOLLY!! I typed that in all caps because Michael Cole made it sound like Hall and Nash had just shown up on Nitro. Jesus, if they’re going to turn their whole announcing team into Tony Schiovane they may as well bring back the real deal. Cole gives credit to Lloyd for not tripping all over himself coming to ringside this week. AGAIN: Michael Cole only works as an announcer when he’s the butt of the jokes. Or not talking. D-Von’s out. Is it too much to hope he’s taking on Albert? The announcers remind us that the PPV is next Sunday, and then make my day by informing us the wedding will be shown IN ITS ENTIRITY tonight. Oh happy days. Shannon Moore is the opponent? O… K. Cole says this match is a chance for Dudley to prove he’s capable of winning matches on his own, since the word had been that Bautista was the one helping him out. Not that I’m complaining, but that was the most unnoticeable break up I ever remember. Have they even had a match against each other (again… stressing the “not that I’m complaining” part)? Shannon does some nice kicks with lots of air underneath, but they have little effect and soon he’s being battered by the good Reverend. Cole pisses me off by reminding everyone that Sara is on television again. We get to see the whole sordid mess later on. Yippee. D-Von continues to kill Moore until he misses a flying headbutt. Cole again fails beyond comprehension at mocking Lloyd, which eventually leads to Funaki discussion. Smackdown’s #1 announcer is in action tonight, but since it’s against Albert this is pretty much the only time you’ll hear of it. Match ends with the old exposed turnbuckle gimmick. A “Saving Grace” later it’s over. CUMMI… er… COMING UP LATER: The gay wedding. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Angle holds Benoit in place for the Stink-face. Heh, does Canada even HAVE an Olympic team? Billy Kidman and his gay shorts come down to the ring, followed by Randy Orton in the exact same gay shorts except with yellow some stripes. Damn, Randy’s got a bald spt… not that I’m one to throw stones. They talk about Kidman and Albert from last week, which I didn’t see and wouldn’t have recapped if I did. NICE moves and countermoves in this one. Billy flies, Randy powers, and they play off each other pretty nice. They discuss the Angle/Benoit PPV match coming up. I’m sure it will be great, but after the cage match no one will ever forget it’s got an awful lot to live up to. Billy must’ve gotten winded or something, because out of the blue Randy goes from being fast paced and gentlemanly to slow, methodical, and even making a few subtle heel spots. Finally he does that coolio spinning leg compacter move and Kidman’s got another one in the loss column. Up next, the reunion that made GLAAD so darned happy (hehehe). Commercials News clips of Chuck and Billy. They show Matt Lauer give them the gravy boat from GLAAD. BWAHAHAHAA! We start out with Godfather down at ringside. Oh, I forgot the WWE had their own definition of “in its entirety”. He tells Billy he remembers when he used to have to slap his bitches up since they were giving it up to Gunn for free. He then says as part of the “legendary Palumbo brothers” (huh?) Chuck used to go after the heftier ladies (ooh, he must’ve teamed with Mike Awesome at some point). Rico interrupts and tells GF and his “good time girls” to quit interfering or he’ll have them evicted from the premises. Then it cuts to the old justice of the peace (but it’s still in its entirety) asking if they pledge to commit to each other in sickness and health and such. Billy looks nervously at Rico then says “yes”. Chuck then does the same, but as they are about to be pronounced man and… um… whatever the other is pronounced the two both explode, saying “this is going to far” and it was only supposed to be a publicity stunt. Billy says they aint gay and if he was he’d have more sense than to marry Chuck, and that justice ain’t pronouncing them NOTHING! Rico gets pissed, saying he knew they’d back down at the last minute. As things start to heat up, the old man says he’s been doing this along time and he knows how special a commitment is… whether it’s “fifty years, sixteen months, or THREE MINUTES!!” Friends, I don’t read spoilers… and I won’t lie. I had NO CLUE that was Eric under the mask. SPECTACULAR job, guys. Well, then the Samoans destroy the set and the pseudo-fags and then lay out Stephanie, but are chased away before they can do the top rope drop on her (Rico helped stretch Stephanie, which I guess means he’s jumping to RAW. Well, if they wanted to steal someone with as much name value as Crash Holly… mission accomplished). STILL TO COME: Brock and the Undertaker stare each other down and ruin their feud by bringing Sara into it. Commercials *Sigh* 4:20. Guess I’ll try to sift through some more seeds. Hey, that wasn’t bad. Alright… new life. And Albert’s coming out. This gets better by the second. *fast forwards* Oh I’ll recap Funaki on the stick first. “THIS E FUNAKI. SMACKDOW NUMBA WUN ANNOUNCAH!! Albert, las week you wah noting mo than a beeg buwwy. So tonight, you wiwl have some fun with me. In fac, you cann even spewl FUNAKI withow F… U… N”. And I can’t see Albert without “F… F” (and I don’t mean fisting or lesbo sex) so that’s the last mention of this one. Commercials JVC REPLAY: Paul tells Taker when Brock cripples him that no one’s going to care of his stupid unborn kid. Great, wonder if the newborn is going to stand over him and make the Raven sign come April. Matt Hardy tries to wish Sara salutations but UT throws him against a door. Matt ponders that he needs some “attitude adjustment”. Apparently the best way to deliver that adjustment is go out and be a throw pillow for him in the ring. He invites Lesnar down to ringside to remind him what a good victim he can be whenever he’s set to have a squash again. Heyman jumps up on the ring apron and is sent to the back, but that allows Matt to low blow the big man and get an advantage (it’s a tradition among North Carolinians to only gain the upper hand that way). Taker gets distracted by Brock, then closelined by him when the ref isn’t looking. Mike Kyota again lays down the law and sends the champ back to the back as well. With no one around Matt’s through with the offense, but then Paul appears on the big screen going back to see Sara (and what a vision of loveliness she is… BLECH!) and he takes off. He grabs Heyman but is nailed with a chair by Brock, who then menaces a pregnant mother (who proves she’s her husband’s wife by no-selling the entire spot) as the show goes off the air. Man, I’d love to have been at the Friday morning “Smackdown Roundtable Discussion” at PTC headquarters this week. UNFORGIVEN next Sunday. Hopefully the fact they’ve given Taker a weakness means he’s not winning the strap. UT promises to bloody up Brock for the first time in his career. And to signify how ultra-extreme this is going to be, the theme song of the PPV is from that wimpy twerp from Bush. UP NEXT: The cruiser tag match with Crash doing what he does best, keep everyone else strong by laying down. Commercials Nidia leads her men down the ramp while the doofuses discuss the “Springer-ness” of the threesome. It’s funny their theme music sounds like Aerosmith; there’s no such thing as a trailer park down here without inhabitants sporting a tattoo of them. Hurricane’s coming down alone? They’re giving Crash his own entrance? Does he have compromising photos of someone? And what’s with his goofy rope-climbing thing. Someone has a REAL sense of humor in the back if they told him “trust me dude, it’ll get over”. Tajiri and Cane start us off. They shill Confidential, with promises of many interesting interviews about the marriage. I can’t tell you how much more comfortable I am watching this again now that gay groups are pissed off and the cosmos is in proper alignment. Ha! Hurricane takes down Tajiri and starts to do his “Hurri-pose” but gets kicked in the face instead. Clever. Lloyd calls the kicks Hurricane’s kryptonite, then the two go off on a gay tangent about whether Undertaker’s going need any of that next Sunday. Yeah, I hear that stuff is DEADLY to South Dakotans… I wonder which one of these nimrods is going to marry Coach next time they need a ratings boost? Tajiri gets put in the tree of woe, and when Noble tries to save him his face gets rammed into his partner’s crotch. The cruisers really are the best thing going on right now. Cole says if that happened to Lloyd he wouldn’t feel anything. These announcers really are the worst thing going on right now. Crash in. His mannerisms are very similar to Bob Backlund’s. Nidia shields her boyfriend from Holly until Tajiri can come around and cheap-shot him. Jamie asks the crowd “WHAT’S MY NAME?” More than one person answers “redneck”. Crash gets put in the tarantula. He’s bleeding from the mouth now. The heels do their crushing double drop kick the face while Holly is on his hands and knees. Only a Hurri-save keeps the match alive. Crash continues to be battered. Finally the tag into Hurricane, who destroys both competitors until he misses with the Eye. Bridge by Noble but another kick out no one really expected. Instead, Crash comes in and gets the cheap win over Tajiri ala Funaki a few weeks back. Whatever. We’re halfway home. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 9/14/02 TONIGHT: Has the WWE gone “too far”, from the HLA to Billy and Chuck? Vince responds “we want to taste good, we don’t care if it’s in good taste”. He’s been waiting a long time to use that one. Also we discuss the history of the NWA/WCW/RAW belt. DDP calls it “like wearing the Oscar of wrestling”. David Arquette just watched that and called every person in Hollywood to tell them “see, I TOLD YOU I’d win an Oscar someday”. Mean Gene talks about the week that was, starting with HLA and ending with the wedding. He says there was lots of reaction “and overreaction” to it. He states “some have called it ‘groundbreaking entertainment’”, but then posits that other people NOT paid by the company have called it “gratuitous and grotesque” (the two words that come to mind every time Gene cracks a dirty old man quip). A little bit later, Vince himself will answer some very pointed (and most assuredly unscripted, right journalism fans?) questions about the positives and negatives in regards to the shows. They start with the World Title, however. Okerlund muses that since Eric just came out and handed the belt to Triple H last week, was it really legitimate or did he just pick up some old relic on E-Bay? Then he says believe it or not, the belt is actually the oldest, and arguably the most prestigious, in wrestling (ironically, even with the God Awful early 90s you could still argue the prestige of that belt until Bischoff got ahold of it). I wonder how long it’s going to take them to claim the lie of it’s lineage going back to 1904… ha, not even long enough for me to finish typing that. It’s explained that George Hackenschmitt won it then, and then for the next forty years or so things were cloudy until the REAL time-line began in 1948. That 1904 crap is so bogus even Bischoff refuses to sell it, saying it goes back forty or fifty years to when people like Buddy Rogers held it. Clips are shown of everyone from Gene Kiniski to Harley Race to Ric Flair to Savage and Ron Simmons. Flair talks about the old-school business, and having to pay $25,000 of your own money as a deposit against swerving the NWA by deserting with it. He also talks about how odd it was that Vince Sr. was on the board that would decide who won the belt, even though he ran competition, simply because his opinion was so respected among everyone else. They gloss over the change from the NWA to WCW titles in about two seconds and start talking to people who say how much it meant to win it. Now it’s just called the “World Heavyweight Title”, hence Big Show is now called “Two Time World Heavyweight Champion”. Well, that’s what the graphic says… he’s usually called a lot less respectable things in reality. DDP and Booker talk about how real it is to win, despite it being pre-determined. Ha, I forgot what Booker looked like with a fade. Giant talks about it being an honor, which it must’ve been although seeing a mummy in the ring when he holds it up must’ve put somewhat of a damper on things. He then tells the downside, that when you have the belt the ratings are all considered “your fault”. Well… at least in his case they were. Clips of Goldberg, Sting and Steiner… just because they love to see how many jackasses speculate that a signing is eminent every time they do. Coming up, Vince talks about the new controversies. “If some people call the HLA segment ‘reprehensible’, I think they may be right on the money”. YOU GO, VINNIE!! Commercials Mean Gene begins the segment with “Vince McMahon and the WWE are no strangers to controversy”. Man, I’ll say… remember when Big Show called Kaientai “gooks”? He says that like any controversial angle, there’s been good and bad reaction to it. “I gotta tell you, a lot of people are really PO’ed at HLA”. Wonder if a FREE SHIRT would pacify them? He continues on that meanwhile, Chuck and Billy have been embraced as positive role models (well, as long as this was filmed very early Friday morning). With that, we go to the boss. Vince opens with saying that wrestling reflects what’s going on in society, and that there’s really no subject matter that’s taboo. When D-Von molests Undertaker’s kid, remember who called it first. The same Eric Bischoff who once refused to work with Russo and wanted to start an “alternative” wrestling company because he hated the smut sure as fuck seemed to be loving the announcement of “HLA”. Again, he gets the comfort level of talking the girls through the action because his wife is into threesomes with strippers. But he never TOUCHED Kimberly. Vince repeats the “reprehensible” line and says that quite honestly it was pretty much designed that way. “It’s designed to get your attention and make you say ‘how DARE those people?!’” Well, that certainly explains bringing Nash back. He gives his personal take on HLA, being that it was fun until the violence started, then it was a bit much. To the surprise of no one, the clips of said brutality don’t include the initial kick that is serious lawsuit material if the dyke so chooses. He says he can’t see Monday’s show as any more “gay bashing” than it would be “octogenarian bashing” when they did it to Moolah and Mae or “midget bashing… or what do they say, vertically challenged bashing” (hahaha, fuck the PC world, Vinnie Mac) when MiniDust paid the price. “We’re equal opportunity offenders”, he chuckles. I certainly know where he’s coming from there… that’s what we strive for here on a daily basis (except the Eskimos. There’s a disturbing lack of Eskimo bashing on here. HEY NANOOK, GO CLUB A BABY SEAL YOU NOSE RUBBING FREAK!! “NORTHERN EXPOSURE” SUCKS!!) Vince says that sometimes sports and entertainment writers miss the point that they’re a soap opera and as such should be touching on controversial subject matter. He then blows his point completely by saying “we’re part reality show”. He admits they sometimes do things specifically for publicity, but in the totality of it it’s really a small part of the overall picture. He says that people have to get used to the fact that sometimes their going to go down the path of controversy, and that all shows do it. (That’s true, I’ll never forget the episode of Touched By An Angel where the Irish chick had the steamy scene with Della Rees.) When we return, Matt Lauer with possibly the most stupid question ever asked about the wrestling business. Commercials Vince is suddenly on his high horse, saying that they have gay people in the company and why don’t they have the same rights as every other show on television to “go there”? If you REALLY want that answered, Vince… it may have something to do with the studio audience not breaking out into chants of “faggot” at tapings of Will and Grace. Time for some news footage. WWOR, and then Lauer sets up the proposal by saying “speculation had been running rampant for months about their sexuality” (no it wasn’t, it was obvious from the day they started teaming… but expecting them to get it right is beyond funny). He also asks the mind-numbingly moronic “how did it feel when you noticed you were getting a positive reaction from the fans?” Billy should’ve answered “you mean when I was in D-X?” but man it’s funny to see absolute proof of how little story prep goes into stuff like this. Vince puts over Billy and Chuck as being comfortable enough to make the characters work, and fans for being “sophisticated enough not to chant ‘faggot’ at them” (at least not once the sound people took care of business). Here it is… THE MOST STUPID QUESTION IN WRESTLING EVER: Matt: “Let me ask you something. For people who aren’t familiar with the wrestling show you guys rub each down before the matches, you spread oil on each other, you have a stylist, did you ever have any fears in your minds that you might take this over the line and people would be laughing at homosexuality, rather than laughing at what is an act?” I… I don’t even know what to say. If you go anywhere besides FOX for your news you’re better informed watching Cartoon Network. Billy can’t even look at the camera and at one point stifles a smile when saying “we did not want to make fun of anybody, we did NOT want to go there”. HAHAHAHA!! They’re acting like gay groups are still pleased. Not only is Lauer quoted as saying “gay groups are on board with it”, but the same sword-swallower that was quoted in the Washington Post is on the screen celebrating the diversity of the company. They show the gravy boat ceremony, but DON’T show the letter I mentioned last post with the shit about “confused gay teenagers”. Gee, wonder why? ESPN apparently wouldn’t release footage of their show so they have to display the text of the debate on “Pardon the Interruption”. Vince says he doesn’t see how this is any different from any commitment ceremonies that have been done in the past on tons of other shows. And he’s right, really. I mean, how is this ANY different from the wedding on “Friends” where the Samoans came out and big-splashed Newt Gingrich’s sister? Vince says NY Times covers gay weddings, and every network has it one way or another. From a publicity stunt standpoint, he says it was VERY appropriate. I’m not sure if they MEANT to show the next clip of the ET Bimbette saying “it’s been a long time since anyone talked about wrestling, so in an effort to get them to again the WWE is going to have a wedding… between two guys”. Oh, I guess they did… only so Vince can answer that “no one can justifiably say that we’re desperate after we’ve been around as long as we have and entertained as many millions of people as we have.” Yeah, and they thought “Cats” would run on Broadway forever (Jesus Christ, I’m making sub-references about musicals now… this shit really has turned me queer). Vince does hit on the thing that the other Vince never learned… this isn’t something you can do every week. If you’re ALWAYS shocking, then the shock value goes away when you do pull something over-the-top out. He says that whether anyone likes it or not, or whether they’d prefer the show stayed limited to a “niche” audience, the WWE is always going to step out in the open, and as long as the fans come with them they are the only critics that matter. It’s too bad Vince’s skeleton has more closets than most CIA Directors, he’d make a GREAT politician. UP NEXT: WCW Champs of the past. Goldberg, Sting and Flair are highlighted. Commercials CASTROL GTX REWIND: Triple H “wins” the World Title on RAW. Gene says that the responsibility of the World Champ is to hold together the locker room and keep alive the legacy of all the champs who came before him. Dusty Rhodes is shown first. Flair calls him one of the greatest performers ever, and that no one touched a crowd like him. Big Show then does a crappy imitation of him. Bischoff says he loved watching him. Flair is next. Booker says for longevity no one touches him, but there sure seems to be a back-story there because he’s real selective in his words when putting him over. Eric puts him over because we’ve all forgotten it was his life’s goal to ruin the man a few years ago. Goldberg. NOOOOOOOOO, STAY IN JAPAN!! PLEASE!! All the pundits pretty much say he was a media champion, even Bischoff who invented him in his basement with spare parts from retired Falcon players. DDP. Booker gives NO PROPS. At first he doesn’t even want to answer, than can only say “all manufactured”. Even Eric has to admit the reason he held gold is because they were such good friends and “I wanted it for him”. Sting follows. Giant loves him, Eric says he never felt Sting was 100% committed, Booker says he was used wrong. Flair says it’s a damn shame he never worked for the WWF because he would’ve been one of the biggest stars in history. Hulk Hogan. Tell me if you think this is praise from Eric: “Hulk Hogan and the WCW changed the fortunes of World Championship Wrestling”. Flair says “I might want to sit here and tell you he wasn’t, but Hulk is the man.” VERY conspicuous by his complete absence there: Scott Steiner. UP NEXT: That dipshit in the water tank at WWE WORLD. Commercials The illusionist may be named “Chris”, but just for today he’s got the honorary title of “Albert”. Fuck this crap, I’m with Dice on magicians. “You want to impress me? Eat an apple and shit a fruit salad.” STILL TO COME: Torrie in England. Few things on television equal “entertainment” like “Confidential when they’re winding down to the fluff segments”. Commercials Torrie’s in Britain to promote Rebellion. She immediately disproves every notion about blondes by saying “I had been to London previously no times before this” (Goddamnit I don’t care if spell check says it’s like the only grammatically correct sentence in the whole recap, it sounded way stupid. In fact I’m so pissed at MS Word right now I’m refusing to recap the rest of this segment. Bill Gates is a fucking bimbo.) Next week Kurt Angle takes us to Colorado Springs to show how Olympians train. We would just go to Mark Henry’s house but a hundred reps of “looking under the sofa for spare chocolate” doesn’t exactly help you win the 1000-meter freestyle. Til then, eat a bag of Hell. Barbwire Mike Too out of words for a tag Busy weekend. The new Honky I promised will hopefully be up tomorrow |