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 Ha! Lesbians… too much. Special thanks to Roughkut for yesterday's post on Doug. I was going to put up the thing from last year that was on Random's page for like an hour but that one pretty much trumped it. If there's interest in seeing it I may still toss it up on the forum tomorrow. Anyway... thanks again for reminding everyone that despite the overall gayity of the anniversary "celebration", that really was an intensely tragic day. You’ll stay with me forever, Sick. You lovin' Honky Tonk Man or WHAT? Don't go anywhere, because there's more to come. Or you can get TONS of it for less than the price of an hour of billiards. The fun starts HERE (and just keeps on going… I’ll unabashedly mark out for him until I’m dead). The Tom Zenk shill of Lethal is UP at THE RING POST! And while you're there be sure to check out the latest from Ginger, Annie, Jones, SamJerry, Jonny X... and DAMN it seems like I'm forgetting something. OH YEAH, A BRAND NEW LOW BLOW (also available at WRESTLING OUTLAWS). That's right, no less than 8 new posts since Saturday. That's output, baby. Alright muff divers.... let's talk wrestling. With tomorrow’s celebrations almost on top of us, and with both sincere and corporate patriotism at near-record levels there was no doubt that the WWE (who, as a reminder, was the first company to go through with a large public gathering following last year’s disaster) was going to do SOMETHING to remind us how lucky we were to be Americans. The tease was a World Tag match, but it isn’t like NEVER FORGET can best be summed up by giving gold to accused shower rapists and parent killers. They tried the symbolic “might makes right” story with the world champ, but that match is summed up a lot better by “I sure the fuck hope I can forget”. As for the main event, “yay” for the outcome, but RVD becoming the #1 contender made me more proud of the green than the red, white and blue. So what part of the show should have you covering your heart and breaking into the pledge of allegiance? That’s easy, the spot that everyone is talking about today: the HLA. “Why”, you ask? Is it because it’s a representation of how open we are? Perhaps a symbol of the freedom of choice women in our society have? Maybe gloating, showing that we have the greatest announcers in the world as evidenced by Lawler’s exuberance the whole evening? Taking those one at a time: 1. No, most European commercials for motor oil are more overt than that. 2. No, if anything the argument could be made that the segment was exploitive to women and suggesting that the only way girls can get on TV despite being in the wrestling industry is to get nekkid. 3. No… HELL FUCK no! Holy GOD no! I haven’t been that tempted to mute wrestling since Lita hosted Velocity. Jesus, the way he was going on you’d have thought he wasn’t aware they were old enough to have pubes. No, the reason last night’s show proved America’s superiority is because we didn’t cut away when the “three minutes were up”. In other words: YOU FUCKING SUCK GOAT BALLS, CANADA!! U…S…A!! U…S…A!! Seriously Cannucks, if you want to delude your freezer-burned mind into believing this didn’t have anything to do with the very recent announcement that you guys are embracing your gay French roots and not fighting alongside us next time we go hunting towlies be my guest, eh (OH NO!! We better call the whole invasion off now… how do we stand a chance without the aid of your leaky submarines?) But don’t come crying to us when we respond with one of the all-time great moments in the history of the medium with ABSOLUTE advance knowledge that north of the border you’d be relegated to seeing commercials or crowd shots or naked pictures of Steve Landsberg or whatever the fuck TSN puts on whenever they puss out. And let me tell you Maple Leafs, it was SAH-WEET!! The brunette was nailed in the chest so hard I was amazed she was able to continue the angle (and there’s all kinds of stories today about how messed up she was after the match… not that there was any doubt). They made you believe the poor little blonde dyke was about to go sailing into the crowd, and becoming the object in a human game of catch was savage. But the payoff… where the gals were laid in a “69” position and splashed to Hell off the top rope… well, thank God for Kleenex. Meanwhile, all you could do was watch ads for products that are made better outside your borders and try to pretend your stupid health care system makes up for what you have just missed. Learn to drive better than the corpse of your grandmother and quit hiding behind us while having too small a nutsac to kick ass when necessary and things will change. Until then, if you want to see hot lesbian violence I guess you have to have to dream of smashing Rosie O’Donnell’s skull with a cinder block (which you have to admit is one arousing fantasy). In other words: NEVER FORGET (that Canada sucks and lesbians rule). *** Some more notes and questions pertaining to the clam-bake: Thank GOD it wasn’t Mae and Moolah. If this angle had been done with Miss Kitty and Chyna, would it technically have still been a “lesbian” angle? Jenna Jamison was out of their price range last night? In the “every silver lining is on a gray cloud” department: Deep kissing on RAW means deep kissing on SmackDown. Was Tommy Dreamer on the show last night because he and his fiancé were the “Godparents” of dykes in wrestling angles? Is there any funnier term for lesbians than “she eats at the Y”? (credit FsB for that good shit) Was I the only one jealous at how natural Bischoff sounded directing the girls’ action? Especially knowing his wife is into threesomes with strippers? One more thing: While it wasn’t one of them, I’ve at least balled an employee of the company last night’s lesbians work for. If you’re keeping score, that’s reason #4,785 on the “reasons I’m cooler than you” list. And that’s going to wrap this up for today, since I FINALLY have my high speed working which means there’s a whole world of porn about to be opened up a hell of a lot more explicit than last night and without Eric Bischoff there to make trying to nut to it a little creepy. I have a feeling I’ll be back here before the weekend. Barbwire Mike I’ll give Canada one thing… LaBatt’s RULES |