|
|
 Ahh, Sunday. Nothing to do but shill THE RING POST (e-ink is still drying on Ginger’s new one), make a very cryptic hint of some new (and some “new”) staff coming soon, take MY FIRST BONG HIT OF THE MORNING (oh thank you Jesus), and it’s recapping time. WWE VELOCITY 10/5/02 Need a favor people… someone with screen capping capabilities please send a picture of the Angle raping the Scorpion King cartoon. It’s come to my attention that lots of you don’t actually watch the show and have no freakin’ idea what I’m talking about every week. Appreciate it. SMACKADOW NUMBAH WAN ANNOWNCA Funaki begins the show by discussing the Albert match it should all but go without saying I didn’t recap where Funaki upset him. In non-fast forward, it’s pretty gross how much the finish looks like a blowjob rather than a pinfall. John Cena comes out and promises to end the bullying ways of Fuzzy Wuzzy and mocks his childhood. That could be an interesting contest… too bad I’ll never know. Funaki looks dead into the camera and says “Babawiya, prease hit your ramote cawntror.” OPENING GRAPHICS, EXPLODIES, FLAMING ANNOUNCERS!! FAST FORWARD!! Cena wins and Albert doesn’t get to beat him up after the match. Later tonight Tajiri takes on Shannon Moore and we follow the UT/Brock saga. Break already? BEST OPENING SEGMENT EVER!! Commercials Two weeks ago, Torrie beat Nidia in a bikini contest and drew the ire of Dawn Marie. This week, they go head to head. Be aware this segment is being typed using only the left hand. Torrie licks her lolli while DM saunters down to the ring. Thankfully this isn’t RAW so Lawler’s not doing the commentary. Dawn starts out, revealing a very nice red and white striped number. She gives a “stirring” bend to show off her curves… and… she… uhhh… uhhhhh… *lights cigarette* The crowd is obviously happy, meaning Torrie is really going to have to show something awesOH MY GOD!! Flesh-toned bikini totally looks like she’s nekkid. That fucking ru…uuhhh… uuuuuuuuhhh…. OOOOH YEAH!! *lights another cigarette* Well, aint no one beating that outfit (beating TO it is another story altogether) and Torrie is 2-0. DM is none too amused by this and smacks Miss Wilson in the puss (that means MOUTH, virgin) and tosses her to the floor. DM exits with more bending and cleavage while Torrie writhes on the floo…oooooh… OH FUCK YES… YES… YEEEEEEES! *sticks whole pack of smokes in mouth and lights it* Wow, I’m usually not this worn out this early into the show. Must be from trying to keep up with the riveting Mark Lloyd commentary. Still to co… er… happen, Brock and UT intensify their feud. Commercials FROM SMACKDOWN: Rikishi is mercifully eliminated from the tag tournament, along with Mark Henry. Just read on HONKY TONK MAN’s site that Terry Taylor is already getting heat from Vince over the camera that got broken during that match. Boy, there’s a hiring whose failure was etched in stone (and a few e-mails between Honky and me) from the moment it was announced (speaking of which, his new Ross Translations is freaking AWESOME. I’ll probably put it up here in the next day or two assuming Norm doesn’t tackle it first). “From Allentown, PA… Billy Kidman”. Great, like I really needed that fucking Billy Joel song bouncing around in my head for the rest of the day. He’s taking on Doug Bashem. Who? (aah, I love having my short-term memory remover back). Lloyd and Cole talk about the tag tourney, which makes all the sense in the world during a singles match. Match begins and the announcers rattle on about Angle and Benoit, reminding us that they will be suspended for a year if they come to blows while competing in the tournament. Wait a second, didn’t she say that started at the halfway point of the show and then they were duking it out by the end of it? So aren’t they already suspended? Was Taylor also hired because of his skills in WCW at storyline continuity? The mouthpieces continue to try and explain why Angle and Benoit is a genius move by Stephanie while the action continues. Nice work, very fast paced, not a single blown spot. Finally Billy goes flying over the top and Cole and Lloyd remember there’s a match going on. Bashem works over his weakened opponent, including a cool move where he gets a near fall from rolling over while giving a camel clutch. This guy has NO look, but so far what I’ve seen of his work impresses me more than either Orton or Cena. May be lots of Intercontinental titles in his future… oh, wait. Bashem works over the back of Kidman in all kinds of creative ways. Billy delivers a drop kick to the chest of Doug, which Lloyd calls “the best in the business”. WHAT?? JESUS CHRIST SOON RIKISHI IS GOING TO BE THE ONLY GUY IN THE COMPANY WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE BEST DROP KICK IN THE BUSINESS!! JUST CALL IT THE BEST VELOCITY EVER, TONY!! And for GOD’S sake at least save that worthless accolade for when he actually gets elevation on one, you fucking turd. WOW! Springboard leg clothesline off the ropes. It may be the weed talking, but I’m becoming a big fan of this guy right in front of your eyes. Kidman with a desperation Inzig… ensig… that thing Inoki does for a near fall, but Doug comes back with a leg drop from the top. MAJOR UPSET!! 1… 2… NOOOOOOO (heh, just practicing in case they ever call me to be an announcer). Bashem goes to the well once too often, and gets his face planted from the top rope while setting up for the superplex. Shooting star press and this one is done. Exceeded all expectations for a Saturday, look very forward to seeing more of the rookie. Still to come, Stephanie sets the terms for the title match at No Mercy. Commercials. Monday on RAW: SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL! Who’s playing on MNF? HA! Tonight’s Confidential has a piece on whether Booker T. or Levon Kirkland gets more power from looking at their hand. Should be comedy. Two weeks ago Rey beats Angle and Benoit in a triple threat match, and Kurt says it’s the Canadian’s fault (man, if I had a nickel for every time I’d uttered those words myself). Last week Edge and Angle had a fucking unbelievable match (two in a row for Edge. That should stem some of the sort of unexplainable net hatred it looked like he was starting to gain). We start with the pinfall that different refs go to blows over, and the action begins again. Cut scene and both get a bevy of near falls with awesome set-ups. Benoit comes down to ringside as Kurt’s got the upper hand. The Olympian goes for a chair, but Chris stops him, and when Kurt takes a swing the chair bounces off the ropes and hits him flush. He’s stunned as he turns around to take a wicked spear and Edge takes home the victory. Benoit walks to the back, making eerie facial expressions that Tazz explains is “laughing”. Back in the dressing room, Angle tries to get to Chris but Stephanie intercedes, screeching things that just chased my cats out of the room. Sure enough, she says plain as day that if they come to blows again they’re suspended for a year, although she does add “while you are partners”. Angle then nails Chris with a cheap shot and she yells “AND THAT BEGINS RIIIIIIGH…” and then the glass on my TV broke. So at the end of the night Rey is taking on Benoit in another totally kick-ass match. Angle snaps Chris’s neck off the ropes allowing Mysterio to get the rana win. Afterwards the two exchange their finishers (Chris with the one a street full of Lionel Tates used to help beat a guy to death last week). Cole seems as confused as I am about why this doesn’t mean they’re getting suspended but Tazz explains that only counts when they’re in the ring as partners. Then why the “RIIIIIIGHT NOOOOOOW” shrill that took five years off my hearing? THIS THURSDAY: Angle and Benoit compete in the tag title tournament. They will be suspended for a year if they don’t “act as a unit”. Why the fuck she wants them to act like Kevin Nash is beyond me, but hey it’s her show. Next Brock Lesnar debuts his new shirt… someone owes Danzig some royalties. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Lesnar bloodies up Taker with the belt. Lloyd and Cole start by reporting the “saga of the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar has taken another bizarre turn”. Behind them someone holds up a “We <3 You, Kev” sign. GODDAMNIT!! MMN GETS ANOTHER FUCKING SIGN?? That’s it… next person I meet face-to-face who admits to reading me is getting punched right in the nose. Last Thursday, Matt Hardy wrestles a “I Don’t Get Any Offense Anywhere In The Arena” match with Undertaker. They fight to the back and Matt tries to leave the building, then climb over a storage fence. As UT pursues, Brock attacks from behind. After No Sell Inc. wipes out him and Hardy for a few, he’s finally brought down… and given the “DVD Onto Bags Of Popcorn Of Doom” (the most devastating foreign object since cotton candy) allowing Matt to get the pin. Paul starts to compliment everyone when Brock turns his attention back to his rival. As Taker starts to get up, Lesnar smashes his hand with a helium tank or something (footage from a “security camera” shows it really is a pretty brutal shot). Later on, Steph informs the champ and Paul that Taker’s hand is broken. As Heyman laughs, she continues on to say he insists they still wrestle at the PPV (this time his hand rather than Sara can be the excuse… so LAY DOWN AND DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR THE BUSINESS, GRAMPS!!). She says she’s setting the stipulations, which cracks the duo up. Paul suggests a “One hand tied behind your back match” while Brock opts for a “thumb wrestling” bout (leading all-around stud J|M to wonder if Messiah was offended. HAHAHAHA!!) She instead demands it be Hell in the Cell… since Taker’s going to have such an advantage climbing to the top of the cage with one hand. *rolls eyes* Coming up next, Tajiri and Shannon. “We saw Matt Hardy take Shannon Moore under his wing. We’ll have to se if Moore picked up some ‘Mattitude’ from him.” God I hope not. I’d hate to think that after all the warnings they STILL aren’t using protection. Commercials October 17 is the debut of TOUGH ENOUGH III. And just in time, as I’ve been DYING to do a picture post again and have been totally void of ideas. Feel free to e-mail me your suggestions on which celebrity should go psycho and threaten to jump off the roof (and don’t go with the obvious Anna Nicole Smith… I have bigger plans for her). The Japanese Buzz Saw is out, and here comes Shannon… complete with music so obviously ripped off from Smashing Pumpkins I’m half convinced Jimmy Hart is on the payroll again. He seems to be walking a little funny. Yup, he definitely got him some Mattitude. Dear God, they’re talking about how Matt Hardy should be #1 contender because he has a couple of tainted victories over Taker. Thus, the age-old question has been answered: “Is it ever a bad thing for Undertaker to get pinned?” In the ring, Tajrii delivers those kicks everyone is so glad they’re watching instead of taking, “fake” or not. Cole suggests Taker has the advantage at HITC because Lesnar’s never been in one before, and Undertaker invented them. Well, he didn’t invent Wrestlemania… so can we please have him finally lose at one of those too? The Twat Squad is babbling on and on about the No Mercy match. Good Christ, these guys nerd the sport down more than e-feds. Tajiri has decided to focus on Moore’s leg. Shannon looks out of sync AGAIN this week. Maybe they got the wrong Hardy… I sure hope Moore hasn’t been cutting up any lines of “Jeffitude” before going out there. Shannon goes for a halo but misses and again looks ugly doing so. Don’t take my drug joke from the last paragraph seriously but this really is two weeks in a row where he’s looked totally indy league. Tajiri misses his usual finishing kick but not the BRUTAL superkick that follows and it’s time to turn out the lights. To celebrate, I’m going to knock back a couple shots of sake before moving on to the next show. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 10/5/02 TONIGHT: Booker T., and for once he’s not filming a commercial that exploits his stereotype. Plus the guy that trains the divas. We see Terri explaining “he told me to take a nut shot. I told him we need to call them ‘ovary shots’. We don’t have those.” He told her “Chyna never had a problem understanding the command”. Gene starts out by saying “The divas have redefined what it means to be a female wrestler”. No, Gene-o… they’ve defined what it means to be a female sports entertainer. Aint a chick in that company Moolah couldn’t handle even today. He continues on to say that later tonight we’ll meet the “man behind the divas” (insert poop chute joke here). But first, Booker and his biggest fan, Philadelphia Eagle Levon Kirkland. Gene mentions the guys who made the jump from one to the other, singling out Wahoo, Ernie Ladd and LT. Then he mentions Levon’s tribute to Booker at a pre-season game (hehehehe, no way in HELL this piece could’ve been done last season, but now the only person in the NFL who remembers Vince was his competition last year is Tommy Maddox), and says the big linebacker has been a wrestling fan his entire life. Levon starts the segment at the new Eagles training facility. He says he gets asked if he watches Monday Night Football, and he tells them “no… I watch RAW”. I’ll be damned, who knew there were wrestling fans in Philly? “Oh I’m living here in Allentown… but I won’t be getting up TODAAAAAAAYAAAAYAAA… FUCK!!!” Damn you, Kidman. Levon brings Booker in and shows him around the bad ass training joint. He says he’s been a fan of T for a long time. We cut to Schiovane calling Harlem Heat one of the greatest tag teams of all time… just in case you’ve read a few of the archived Mop Ups recently and thought Hyatte was kidding when “of all time” is in every single quote attributed to Tony. Levon introduces Booker to the trainer he watches RAW with, and we see lots of clips of NFL players at wrestling shows. Booker says when him and Kirkland talked on the phone he brought up the “Ebony Express”, HH’s name back in Global. As they hit the massage room the highest payed athlete in football, Donovan McNabb comes in and asks him what the deal is with the hand. Booker, along with a montage of clips, explains it as the representation of his FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME reign as WCW champ. McNabb can dig it, then wonders what he’s going to do with his hand to show off his upcoming Super Bowl ring. They walk around the equipment room that has so much shit in it there are machines they don’t know how to use. Levon’s wife calls to speak to Booker. Levon asks her “OK, then can I get back to what I’m supposed to be doing?” Yeah, ho… and make me a ham sammich. Levon and Book walk around the practice field in the shadow of Veteran’s Stadium. The footballer bemoans the fact they don’t get to taunt in the NFL and says he doesn’t know how he’d get by without the PPVs. Booker says it’s pretty cool to see such a bad ass do his hand move, and the trainer says that no one on the sidelines knew what the hell he was doing, guessing he was dialing a cell phone or something. Way to showcase the fact no one watches the show, guys. Levon says he’s waiting to pull it out again, and that he can’t do it unless it’s something special. Booker says “yeah, like the spinerooni… you can’t just do it all time”. Um… right. When exactly was the last match you didn’t do one in, T? Then he performs one for Levon, Kirkland then declines the opportunity to try it himself. Both hem and haw on whether football players or wrestlers are tougher. It ends with Booker giving out the autographed pic and Levon holding up a finger, saying he’s soon to be “one time” SB champ. Rey Mysterio coming up next. Words cannot express my excitement, perhaps because there is none. Commercials YAY!! 4:20!! I’m so glad that is not the most depressing time of the day right now. Blah, blah blah Rey. Gene says that the key to Rey’s success is meditation, as he arrives hours before the show to start on it. According the old Konnan interview, it’s the same way RVD meditates… and the way I’m meditating right now. Clips of Mysterio. 619s and ranas and all kinds of flippity floppity shit. There’s the sweet cage spot. Rey says he digs creating stuff that no one’s seen before. He goes through the history of the 619, from it’s evolution as a psych-out move to an opponent outside the ring to being actual offense. Tazz came up with the name for it, which of course is the San Diego area code. Then he goes into kayfabe mode and says that his favorite was on Kurt Angle because he didn’t see it coming and that’s how he was able to win. We also get the story of the West Coast Pop, but he’s been doing that as long as he’s been in America. Then he brags he’s one of a kind and we’re finished. Short segment. Speaking of “One of a Kind”, coming up next RVD shows us his new action figure. “Well, the carb is here, and this is where you load it.” Commercials RVD doll on Gene’s desk. I haven’t bought any action figures in well over a year… that’s about to change. Rob tours the Jakks Pacific plant. The girl showing him around wants to fuck him SOO bad. Another girl begs to touch his bicep. He laments that 7 or 8 RVD dolls just isn’t enough. He tells the staff the problem is they don’t have enough RVD figures on their desks and they need to be more aggressive in the RVD area. Heh, he’s definitely “meditated”. Off to the development area, where he’s ready to see more RVD merchandise. They go through the making of a figure, including digital scans. They say because Rob has so many different singlets they have plenty of ways to make them all different. He tells the designer that the guy who makes those things gets a kick out of seeing them replicated. He seems pretty overwhelmed there’s as much stuff out there as there is. Rob is the coolest. Commercials ATT REWIND: Trish beats Molly at Unforgiven. Gene’s probably about to gross me the hell out with dirty old man jokes, so we’ll buzz on up to the segment. Any complaints? None? There’s a fucking shocker. Back and forth between clips of them being hot and being violent. Fit Finley says they try to give the girls moves that vibe with their character. He then tells of his own past, from working his first match at 14 to his SAVAGE knee injury that ended his in-ring career. He suggests putting him with the girls was a rib by somebody. Heh, wonder if Regal had any say-so in it? Trish and Stacy say he’s a great trainer because he doesn’t take shit from them. Victoria says she’d never gotten tackled like she was the first time she trained with him, and Nidia warns up and comers not to ask him how to take a forearm. Bikini shots aplenty. They show gravy boat and bra and panties and lingerie matches. Molly says what makes Fit so great is when the pervy writers come up with that he’s able to come up with ways to keep the girls focused on the wrestling rather than being cheesecake. Umm hmmm, that’s what we focus on too. Are you going to show your tits or what? Fit says the basics are the same regardless of whether men or women do it. This is true, those Lou Thesz gravy bowl matches are legendary. Terry says Finley always comes up with a way to make something borderline perverted into something hot or funny. Trish compares training with him to being at the doctor’s office in that they never feel uncomfortable being touched by him. They all say the women have to work a lot more than ever and they’ve had to evolve along with the rest of the sport. I have a whole new respect for the divas after that. OK, that’s a lie… but MAN I’d like to pork Stacy. Up next, the WWE in Vegas. Al Snow makes a mental note to renew his restraining orders on Pi and MMN. Commercials Gene reminds us we have RAW ROULETTE tomorrow (speaking of which, you know how to play Polish roulette? You use six bullets), and then leads in to a spot of past occurrences of the company there. He also says “if you think you remember a story of us buying a casino out there, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you.” Clips of Foley entering, Triple H preparing to rape his future wife, him and Shawn playing strip poker, APA doing the same with more palatable contestants, and the worst Wrestlemania of all time. Also, Cindy Margoilis gets a figure four slapped on and Vince wins the WWF title. Oh yeah, Steph also announced she’s pregnant there. Yeah, this all bodes well for cementing the “Smackdown is the show to watch” creed after Monday night. WE’RE NOT DONE YET?? Fuck me, Val Venis segment. I just previewed and they don’t show a single clip of Yamagushi-son, so I’m skipping it. Tough shit, ladies. Commercials Gene says that October means three things: No Mercy, baseball, and Halloween (HAHAHA!! FUCK YOU YANKEES!!). We go to the making of the No Mercy commercial with Pete Rose. Him and Kane go back and forth on who’s the better actor and who’s the star of it. Funny ad, but other than a couple of gambling jokes there’s not a lot of material to work with so we’ll leave it at that. Next week, new show with “lots of surprises”. In other words, “we have no idea how we’re going to fill the show”. I’m so anxious I could shit myself. Ride my rodney. Barbwire Mike Crab legs, weed, and football… my Sunday begins NOW! |