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 Couple of pre-game notes: -MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS HAS RETURNED!! We’re absolutely stacked for re-launch, and it’s loaded with greatness (including a special guest Twit brought in that has everyone talking). Where can you see it? Why, at THE RING POST of course, where there’s also new Ginger and Zenk that should be up by day’s end. -Speaking of TRP, boss man Yeahgr contributed that coolio banner. VERY much ruling. Thank you big time Dave. -I’m having some troubles tying a few things up, so the long-awaited picture post is on hold for a few more days at least. It’s coming though… oh, yes it is coming. -Later this week there will be a SPECIAL “Barbed Recap”. A very very cool reader sent me the latest Vampiro shoot with the agreement that I had to do a recap of it, and that’s one heck of a trade-off. One of the most open one of these I’ve ever been privy to seeing. I’m fucking LOVING this, hopefully it translates to recap well. Thanks SOOOOO much, Aaron. -Also, while it may require turning in my membership card to “Recluse Anonymous”, I’ve been out partying for pretty much the entire weekend, so I’m tired and a bit hung over. Just a little advance warning in case this totally blows. Let’s get to it. WWE VELOCITY 10/19/02 Gay graphic once again. No one has screen-capped it yet. Shitheads. OPENING GRAPHICS! EXPLODIES! CANNUCK SCUM! Geez we have Cole, Lloyd and Canadians all on one show. Why am I not taking this week off again? We better get this thing rolling right. Well, there’s Tajiri. As long as he’s not taking on Albert this might not be TOO painful. We get clips of Noble and Nidia beating him down on SmackDown because he refereed their match. Funny thing is that’s pretty much what happens with white trash. Guy can be beating his woman to hell and back but if someone tries to interfere she’ll be as quick to jump on the mediator as the dude. And little slices of life like that are why I’m NEVER leaving the south. SMAKADOW NUUMBAWW WAN ANNOUNCAH!! Hot damn, this should be fun. Before coming down the ramp, he reminds us he’s SMAKADOW NUUMBAWW WAN ANNOUNCAH and tells Tajiri if he wants the crowd to rike him like they rike the SMAKADOW NUUMBAWW WAN ANNOUNCAH he shourdn’t make so many ugry faces. He should be rike SMAKADOW NUUMBAWW WAN ANNOUNCAH and smire more. Did he just diss Tajiri’s looks? I see, and Torrie Wilson got wet for Funaki WHEN? Sign in crowd: “Smackdown Number One Announcer! INDEED!” MAN they need to bring that line back. Cole and Lloyd discuss Tajiri’s misfortunes while the two square off. Funaki offers a handshake, and Tajiri obliges his earlier request by smiling as he shakes it. He then kicks the FUCK out of SMAKADOW NUUMBAWW WAN ANNOUNCAH’s kidneys and stomps his head. The two do all kinds of flip-floppity moves early on, while the announcers talk about Rey and Nidia and the PPV tonight. WHAT? THERE’S A PPV TONIGHT?? Geez, I have to chat with you retards THREE times this week? (IM me @ “Barbwrmike” for an invite. Away message will be on but I’ll check it every few minutes). AWESOME superkick by Tajiri. The tag title match tonight is discussed, along with Stephanie’s appearance on Stern. The big revelation on that was that she thinks she needs “bigger boobs”. Yeah, and the WWE needs “more necrophilia”. Cole starts his stupid #1 announcer ribbing of Lloyd which almost takes away from the match, but fortunately it’s good enough to survive it. The Buzz Saw survives a savage facebuster, and misses his first finishing kick but not the second one. Funaki continues to lie motionless after the pin. STILL TO COME: Stephanie lets Undertaker wear his cast to HIaC. Brock is only allowed to wear his jobbing boots. Commercials TWO WEEKS AGO: Benoit and Angle beat Cena and Kidman. Clips of the tournament semis from SD. Edge pins D-Von for his team to advance, but then Latino Heat wipes them out. Later, they take on Benoit and Angle in a GREAT match. Benoit sells like he’s going to nail Kurt with a chair, but instead destroys both Guerreros and move to the finals. Are you SURE the PPV is tonight? Really? OK. COMING UP: Dawn Marie does Torrie’s dad. This is why SD is the better show than RAW. If this were Monday, she would’ve killed him first. Commercials Clips of TOUGH ENOUGH 2! Hopefully there will be a new celebrity version coming assuming the Red Machine thing ever gets done. They send home the K-Kwik looking brother real quick, which is shocking considering how well they did with the original. By the end of the show they’ve cut it down to 13 people, minus a psychotic suicide attempt or two. Booby Rood (which is the way Rick Rude’s last name is really spelled. Not sure if there’s a relationship) gets his TV debut. That must be the biggest thrill; your first big break, seeing yourself on TV, then going to the net and reading a review of match to see what the world thought. Well, Bobby… it will be my pleasure to make that a reality for you. Congrats on your big break. Good luck, guy… Oops, he’s taking on Albert. Tough shit, greenhorn. *fast forward* NEXT: Is Torrie feuding with her new mommy? Commercials. Good Christ it’s a commercial specifically for Hell in a Cell and TRIPLE H STILL GETS THE OPENING SHOT!! Mental note: “Start fucking the boss’s daughter.” Mental note #2: “Oh yeah, you work for your dad.” TWO WEEKS AGO: Torrie wears that AMAZING white lingerie number and then disses Dawn Marie. They just totally zoomed in on a “Bring back Big Papa Pump or Goldberg” sign. Of course, according to the Ross Report they haven’t had discussions with either since the mid 90s. Torrie sees her daddy in back and confronts him about Dawn Marie. She warns him that Dawn is a predator and he needs to stay away. Her dad responds by giving her the flowers he was going to give to DM. Somehow this whole angle “stay away from that slut” story looses something when the protagonist is wearing the skimpiest outfit this side of Superheroine fetish videos throughout. In the ring Dawn and Torrie go at it with partners Matt Hardy and Rikishi. Torrie has DM beat but Matt rolls them both over (he’s RIGHT on Torrie’s ass and doesn’t even hint at copping a feel. What a fag). After the match Torrie teases a stinkface but Matt changes the spot and lets the Samoan do it instead. Backstage Torrie’s told the flowers weren’t really for her because her dad wasn’t bright enough to take the incriminating card off of them during her match. He also forgets to take off his clothes before getting in the shower with DM. Torrie sees this and breaks into tears. Poor girl, going through the pain of Alzheimer’s is a hard thing. UP NEXT: Paul E. gets bloodied up by the Undertaker. Because I love Paul I won’t make any jokes about how dangerous that is to anyone nearby with an open sore. Commercials Montage of Taker/Lesnar feud. They break his hand, Steph calls for Hell in a Cell, some B-movie slut says Taker’s been fucking her, Steph says he can wear the cast, lots of people get bloodied. They also show a bunch of the crazy bumps from past HIACs which there’s as much chance of one of these guys doing tonight as there is of Barbra Streisand spelling four words right in a row (although that may have been why they’ve been keeping Matt Hardy in the mix all this time. Good call, Sheep). The Ultimate Warrior? WHAT THE FUCK? Oh, it’s just a commercial for wweanthology.com. For a second I thought they were bringing him in to have him communicate with the spirit of Katie. Commercials Shannon Moore, hopefully cured of his Mattitude, is ready to take on Crash Holly. Shannon attempts a handshake but it gets slapped away. Sportsmanship is definitely not the order of the day on Velocity tonight. Crash does the power, Moore does the aerial stuff, and Cole and Lloyd add the gay. They remind us Taker’s got a broken arm and is getting accused of having an affair. Oh, man… I just thought of the only thing worse than having Taker winning tonight. SARA HEEL TURN!! Lloyd makes a half-assed attempt to point out there’s a match going on but Cole has none of it and sings love songs about the HIAC cage. Bunch of near falls, crowd doesn’t give a shit. Holly wins by grabbing the ropes for leverage. They swear to God one more time there really is a PPV tonight and we’re halfway home. WWE CONFIDENTIAL TONIGHT: The story of the IC Title, and some soccer player looks like a dipshit trying the spinerooni. Gene starts us off by yacking about Tough Enough 3. Later tonight Big John Gaburick will be in to talk about it. Wow, we’re so lucky this is a free show. BUT FIRST, the Intercontinental Title dies tonight. Gene tells us that Kane will have the “honor and privilege” of carrying to the ring for the last time. Indeed, because nothing says “legacy” like murdering necrophiles. Heh, Gene’s going to take the tournament myth with it right to the grave. BWAHAHAHAHA, he tells us that Pat defeated Ted Dibiase. Damn did Virgil interfere Gene, you re-re? He says the decision to retire the belt has not been a popular one. Well, at least it has plenty of company. 4:20. FINALLY! LIONS WIN!! To that cunt on Fox Sports who said “The Bears are going to DESTROY Detroit” as the first thing I heard when I turned on TV this morning “go fuck yourself”. We start with clips of Patterson. Gee, none of him winning the tournament? Brisco calls him the man who set the standard for the IC title because of his ring psychology and skills. Edge concurs, of course Roughkut tells me he’s been a “Patterson backer” for quite some time. Clips of lots of champions, including THE GREATEST IC CHAMPION OF ALL TIME HONKY TONK MAN (coming soon, promise. Just have too many things on my plate right now). Of course we also get reminded that Chyna held it. Hmmm, I hadn’t put that into the equation. Yes, kill that belt and bury it in sacred ground after that. Then Brisco points out that most of the IC champions have gone on to win the IC title, and show Benoit, Christian, and Jeff Hardy. Well, at least one of them has a snowball’s chance in Hell of ever winning the big one as more than a gimmick victory. You know who would argue with that “IC Title is the springboard to success” line? Jeff Jarrett. Past champs like Roddy Piper, Tito Santana, Adrian Adonis and Don Morocco are shown, along with more recent ones like Bret, Shawn, Rock and Austin. They then focus on Angle who won it as part of his rapid rise to the top. Edge talks about what a big deal it is to win it, and as they show the clips we see it was such a big deal it happened on a house show. Then they center on perhaps the greatest feud for the belt ever, Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat with the emphasis on their WM 3 match. Yeah, that was good shit indeedy. From there it’s the ladder match from WM 10 match, Bret beating Perfect, Kerry Von Erich beating… ha, just kidding. Matt says it’s a shame to see that title go away because he never won it. Don’t worry dude, that world title you’ll never win either will always be around. Brisco says he’s sorry to see the belt go and we’re done there. Gene apologizes for Patterson not being around to interview but he suffered a painful shoulder injury Monday and is being treated When we come back, “Saliva”. Good, I could use some. I’m almost out after all the spitting at my TV I’ve been doing the last 70 minutes. Commercials World premiere of the new Saliva song on HEAT tonight. Gene calls them one of the hottest bands in the world. I think instead of “hottest” he meant “opening”. This leads us into a feature on them, as they’ve done a song for Chris Jericho that’s going to be on the WWE Anthology CD. Shouldn’t this be in the filler segment at the end where they stick the making of Stacker 2 and Hungry Man commercials? First thing we see is WM X-8, because I haven’t been subjected to enough Canadian crowds this week. Then we go to this woodshed where they’re currently recording. The lead singer is wearing a “Hippie Killer” shirt. Heh, must be a Dimebag fan (and who isn’t?) The WWE music coordinator talks about their history with the band, from the XFL to now. Jericho calls them a “pretty good band” and the track “solid”. Doesn’t exactly sound like a ringing endorsement really. The band talks about how it’s got the perfect feel for the WWE. Christ, they sound more white trash than Jamie Noble. Jericho calls them “legendary, one of the biggest bands in the pantheon of rock and roll”. Huh? Oh… then he follows it with “And of course Fozzy is the BIGGEST band in the pantheon.” OK, if we’re using THAT as the measuring stick I guess Saliva is pretty freaking huge. Saliva admits they couldn’t take Jericho out in the ring, but they’d “wax his ass” onstage. I would like to join with every normal person on planet Earth in saying “um… no thanks” to seeing that. Song plays, it’s slow and droning. Must be a theme today. OMG!!! YES!!! COMING UP NEXT: THE GREATEST SEGMENT IN THE HISTORY OF RAW!!!!! Commercials Gene compares what we’re about to discuss as “one of those incidents you know you’re not supposed to watch but you can’t help yourself so you peek anyway.” MAN this was hated. I remember the Observer shredding it for months on end, and I’m pretty sure it won “Worst/Most Tasteless Angle of the Year”. It’s now time for the “Confidential Flashback”. Opening shot is of a graveyard. Big Show says “a lot of movie companies had cemetery sites before, but I guarantee they had no idea what was about to happen that day.” Figure it out yet? Show puts over Boss Man, saying he played the role fantastic. They show GTV footage of the early part of the angle, BBM mock crying “Waaaah, my daddy has cancer!” Oh man, PLEASE give me the line I’ve been dying to hear for so long. Big Show laughs about the poem, which was also classic: He lived a full life, on his own terms, Soon he’ll be buried and eaten by worms… But if I could’ve had a son as stupid as you, I’d wish for cancer so I could die too. Wight giggles about the fact people actually felt sorry for him over a wrestling angle. DAMNIT, we’re going straight to the funeral. I guess we don’t get the all-time best: “YOUR SON’S A DAMN BASTARD… AND HE’S STUPID TOO!” Big Show gives the eulogy, and up comes Boss Man in his police car with a HUGE speaker on it, saying how lucky the daddy is to be dead so he doesn’t have to look at his stupid son anymore. Show attacks the car, but gets tossed… and then it happened. BOSSMAN CHAINS THE COFFIN TO HIS BUMPER AND DRIVES OFF!! To make it even better, SHOW JUMPS ON THE COFFIN AND GETS DRAGGED ALONG!! Oh my GOD!! I laughed for hours. That was truly one of the best moments in Monday night history. They show a take where Show jumps on the casket and he’s so heavy it dislodges the chain. “If this were a real grave robbing, I would’ve foiled the attempt” he laughs. He then says he gathered all his friends around to watch his big dramatic scene and got pissed off at them when the whole room broke out into laughter over the casket pull. Then he realized there’s a pretty good reason for that. Segment ends with all the backlash about it. “Go get upset about the ozone layer, not a wrestling angle on TV”, he says. Hey, tell that to Katie Vick’s parents, smart guy. UP NEXT: Tough Enough 3 crap. Commercials GODZILLA DESTROY ALL MONSTERS REWIND: Wendell the Drama Queen gets berated then tossed off TE3. “Big” John is in the studio with Gene. He goes through the difference in getting contestants this year from the last two, and how they want to really emphasize how tough the business is this time around. Gene asks about the rumors they almost didn’t have a home, and John says that next week Confidential will have an “exclusive” about a star of another show who didn’t want them near him. Awesome, nothing like an exclusive everyone and their mother knew about six months ago. Gene pretty much tells him not to be so cryptic and just say Kelsey Grammar. John says next week you’re going to see him get real ticked off about something, and wishes they’d used a little better screening process to enjoy it. COOL! Hopefully this means we’ll see him looking up at the roof going “DON’T WASTE MY TIME! IF YOU WANT TO JUMP, THEN FUCKING JUMP YOU DUMB BITCH!” He closes by saying the main difference between this year and last is that everyone is a great athlete coming in. Gene thanks him and mercifully ends this segment. COMING UP: Some of the all-time classic ring entrances. Hey, they interview Albert? I need to check to see if that loophole allows me to buzz past it. Commercials Booker T. gives back to the community he was raised in, down in Houston TX. You know, that’s why the tag team was called “Houston Heat” all those years. They show a store he owns down there. They show him at a cash register and vacuuming it. He shows the CDs, games, and then models some clothes. This is without a doubt the most boring segment Booker T. has ever been involved in. That’s done pretty quick thankfully. Gene takes us to the entrances thing, saying everyone used to come out the same way but now the entrance is as unique as the wrestler. Whoopty doo. Regal starts out by saying the best entrance ever was Austin’s. WHAT? Even better than your “Man’s Man” one? Billy Kidman loves the Shawn entrance from the ceiling, while Stevie Richards prefers Gangrel’s. Then we see Honky Tonk (AGAIN!! Damn right!) Then we get Goldberg’s, followed by Gillberg with the fire extinguishers. Heh! OMG!! THEY REALLY HAVE THE GREATEST ENTRANCE EVER ON HERE!! Ric Flair’s talk show, and Sting yells out “THE SHOCKMASTER” as Tugboat tries to break through the wall and busts his ass instead. Careful editing leaves out Flair calling him “Shaq Master”. Still… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Then everyone kisses UT’s ass for his various entrances, and how Rey probably has one of the cooler ones at the moment. We also get some of the “Shattered Dreams Productions” Goldust moments, along with Angle and Kane’s big fireworks. Damn, in the preview clip they showed “Glacier”, but Ray Lloyd seems completely left out. Sorry, Blacky. COMING UP NEXT: When Spineroonis Go Bad. Commercials Two weeks ago we saw Booker with Levon Kirkland, including Book trying to get him to do a spinerooni. We’re about to see why he declined. English soccer match, homeboy slides one over the goalie and goes for it. All right, it’s not really that bad. The guy eventually pulls it off after practically having to knock his teammate out of the way. Gene says the coach must not have been a Booker T. fan because the guy got fined for excessive celebration. That’s OK, something tells me T. isn’t exactly the world’s biggest soccer fan either. NEXT WEEK: Kelsey bashing. I better start preparing my “rape the babysitter” jokes. We’re done. Get out of my fucking face. Barbwire Mike And a whole hour before the PPV… there is REALLY a PPV, right? |