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 I haven't remembered things being this bad since... hmmm... OK I NEVER remember things being this bad. First and foremost, lots and lots of thanks to my man Jonny X for stepping in and rocking the recap this week. As a reminder, his first home is THE RING POST; home of Ginger, Annie, Jones, Zenk, Saruchizu, Tony D. and yours truly (also soon to be home to a returning "scene" figure of much talent). Not enough for ya? Well, how does the GRAND RETURN OF MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS GRAB YA?? Check in this Thursday as the most diverse and thorough discussion of RAW anywhere on the net comes barrelling through your computer screen, complete with special guest(s) and TRP alum now writing here. But back to the main point... Jonny, you da MAN! Also, look for other guest recappers in the coming weeks. Junbakon is the twisted fuck responsible for today's banner, and for killing my sex drive for the next month. Thanks... and "thanks?" My gratis month on HONKY TONK MAN's website has expired, so this weekend I join as a full-fledged member and can start posting his commentary without feeling like a hypocrite asking you to pay for something that I get for free. Now when I tell you it's SOOOO worth the five-spot a month you know I'm speaking from the heart. Let's talk wrestling. Last week a rumor began circulating that prior to Monday's show Vince McMahon was going to address the troops in regards to sagging ratings. Well, these days I can barely read news sites and keep my lunch down (which is the reason the Fist Farking section has been lying dormant. Fear not, it's about to get some new life), so as this is being written I have not seen what the outcome of it was. However, the buzz (that is to say, the rampant and usually totally unfounded internet speculation) was that he was going to suggest the staggering decline in ratings was the fault of the wrestlers who aren't stepping up to the plate or taking one for the team or whatever dry sports cliche you want to employ there. But after last night, DARING to blame the wrestlers for the fact that no one wants to watch that fucking show anymore would be tantamount to blaming the sniper attacks on people pumping gas the wrong way. In my wildest imagination I never could have dreamed things would deteriorate to this. Yes, kids... Kane is no longer simply a murderer, he's a murdering rapist corpse fucker... ... ... DEAR GOD!! PLEASE MAKE THE HURTING STOP!! I want you to flash back with me... back to a distant, magical time when decisions were made that DIDN'T appear specifically designed to chase viewers away faster than a Rosie O'Donnell masturbation video. Vince is on record as saying that while the WWF (man, I miss those letters) enjoys pushing the envelope, there are places they will not go. Specifically, the "off-limit" topics were rape and murder. As we know, the first of those went out the window way back when Triple H used the MMN "How to Fuck Someone In Nevada Without Paying" method to not only violate the boss's daughter but also marry her. As for murder, up until now there had been attempts at it but no actual corpses used to further a wrestling angle (despite what the Harts will tell you). Well, not only are those rules out the window, but now we've incorporated WITHOUT ANY DOUBT the dumbest attempt at shock value since... um... that time that... er... again, there's no measuring stick here. Necrophelia? This sets a whole new standard. I'm half-surprised they didn't justify it by claiming that Kane is a Kennedy. Here are some of the responses to this angle in our chat room last night: TUS: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Cobb: HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Mob: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Shaun: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! L'il Bean: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Evil Bob: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Patrick Bateman: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Of course I could be misconstruing this reaction completely. Maybe they mean "this is all Rob Van Dam's fault" or "holy shit this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life" rather than "please tell me someone didn't really approve this crippity crap for air and this is all some really really stupid joke". But somehow I doubt it. I certainly know what the "HAHAHAHAHA!!!" I was following suit with represented. Last week I said I was "dumbfounded" by how bad this was. Now, that doesn't even scratch the surface. I'm beyond speech. Maybe breaking into a song can convey it better: Cold Katie (sung to the tune of Alice Cooper's "Cold Ethel") One thing I miss Is a time when wrestling wouldn't pull shit like this You see last night? Made me want to set my TV alight Katie Katie I wish I'd been taking a whiz Katie Katie Kane killed you, now you're killing the biz One thing, no lie Vince's writers need an MRI Instead of watching... I feel I'd rather dig up a corpse and fuck it for real Katie Katie This leaves viewers perplexed Katie Katie Is beastiality next? I was going to say this is something that on his very least creative day Vince Russo wouldn't have even considered doing, but that doesn't take it far enough. Let's put this into absolute perspective: ROB BLACK WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING THIS FUCKING LAME!! Hell let's take it further, ROB BLACK WOULDN'T DO SOMETHING THIS FUCKING LAME IN AN OPENING MATCH!! The only thing sadder than the fact this is being done at all is knowing it's (theoretically) supposed to add interest to a "World Title Match" (although for the first time I'm glad to see they're wiping out the IC Title. It had far too much history to be a part of something this shitty. Much like Ric Fl... oh, wait.). On the upside, I couldn't have POSSIBLY picked a better week to launch the return of Monday Night Sucks (also there was no Test, which may or may not verify the rumors, but we can certainly hope). On the downside... well, I just spent the post on that. Oh yeah, they also had RVD job to Triple H again. Will somebody please find some pictures of him screwing around on Stephanie so our national nightmare will be over? This is a travesty. I'm going back to the picture post (hopefully to be completed by Thursday). Just didn't want to break my amazing streak of not going more than a week without posting and there certainly wasn't a wanting for a topic today. Remember to read more about this on TRP Thursday (and today... I'm sure Jonny has some choice words for that rot, and both Sherlock and Chris have already done a better job than me at it on this board), and don't forget to e-mail Randy Orton with hopes he gets better soon (Norm certainly didn’t… and HAHAHAHAHA to him), and that Kane doesn't murder and bugger him. I'm out of here... enjoy some KANE PORN til next we meet. Barbwire Mike PRO TIP: If she's still warm you can pretend she is just sleeping. The elite photoshopping readers of Lethal along with yours truly bring you:  *Actually, that’s “Red Machine” but we’ll fix it in post production. |