I’m Jonny, for those of you who don’t know me, blow me. The Ring Post is the finest independent wrestling website around, and if you haven’t been there, I hope you get a window seat on the plane ride to hell.

On a happier note, I’m filling in for Barbwire this weekend, and I’m quite happy to be here. I haven’t watched Smackdown in about two months, so it’ll be nice to see of the faces I haven’t seen in a while.

Live from wherever Smackdown was taped from, it’s WWE Velocity on the new TNN. Your hosts are Marc Loyd and Michael “Bitchface” Cole.

Wow, Velocity gets pyro. Jakked never got pyro, but it WAS on at one o’clock in the morning on Denver’s WB affiliate.

X Marks the Spot (Results, dumbass)

Chavo Guerrero Jr. VS Crash Holly

Crash asks for a test of strength, and Chavo answers with a kick to the gut. Crash gets an armdrag early, but Chavo knees out of it and gets dumped over the top. That sets up a nice reverse hangman signaling Chavo’s turn on offense. He chokes away and gets some Latino stomps! Neckbreaker gets 2. Chavo gets a submission move of some sort (Hey, I’m not Mike fucking Tenay) that Crash gets out of. Chavo reverses into a small package (huh huh, PACKAGE) with his feet on the ropes for 2. Crash tries to fight back, but continues selling the neck. He gets a GIANT back body drop and an inverted atomic drop for 2. Wow, these two are clashing like black stiletto pumps with army fatigues. Not that that’s ever been tried, or anything. Crash goes for something stupid, and Chavo alley-oop hotshots him into the turnbuckle setting up the brainbuster for the win.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Wow, Marc Loyd and Michael Cole look like middle-aged gay lovers sitting there next to each other. What am I talking about “look like?”

RECAP ALERT! Last Thursday, Dawn Marie challenged Torrie Wilson to a lingerie competition when Torrie’s dad showed up and got pursued by Dawn Marie igniting the crappiest relative angle since Judy Bagwell marched her big fat ass onto our screen. Why would any of us give one rat’s ass about Torrie’s dad? Do we have anything invested in this character? Why would we care one way or another about him? Whatever. The ladies have some stunning lingerie though, so I guess the angle isn’t a total loss. Man, I got to get my little hottie down to Victoria’s Secret.

And no I’m not dressing up my hand in lingerie then jerking off. That’s what the guys from The Torch do.

Albert VS Funaki

Good God, I certainly didn’t miss the sight of Albert. Wow, someone get that man a shirt! Jesus, I forgot that he was fat AND hairy. He gets on the stick before the match and calls himself the #1 Velocity prisoner. He’s relegated to beating up announcers to which the crowd responds with a “Shave your back!” chant. He promises to teach us all a lesson: what he does to Funaki tonight, he can do to all of us. I’m shaking. Funaki also implores him to shave his back, and we’re on. Funaki tries some offense, but it gets no-sold. Powebomb gets punched out of momentarily, then he gets a sunset flip. A second try results in a Canadian backbreaker for 2. Albert continues with the punishment to the back of Funaki then goes to the head. Slingshot guillotine into the second rope gets 2. A neck vice puts the crowd to sleep, but Funaki quickly elbows out. Some other stuff happens until Funaki goes to work on the knee and gets a legdrop to the back of the head. To the top, and Funaki’s caught. He gets a DDT, however, and gets a two count. He dodges the pump kick and grabs Albert’s back heir. He gets a jawbreaker, but runs into the Baldobomb and does the big J-O-B.

Winner: Albert

RECAP ALERT! Princess Crimpyhair Fucking McMahon needs Benoit and Angle to stick together in the Tag Team Tournament. Later, they defeat Billy Kidman and John Cena (shock of shocks!) and (gasp!) they turn on each other. When Cole says “big back body drop” he says it with the same intonation and rhythm as “knick knack paddy whack.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m sure it’s significant somehow.

RECAP ALERT! Some bitch named Tracy tells us what kind of man The Undertaker is, yet fails to mention his no-selling, beer gut, propensity to hold down younger talent, and really ugly tattoos. Apparently feuding over the title and worrying about Hell in the Cell isn’t enough for a pay-per-view main event anymore. Now there always has to be some goddamned trifling womanpiece in the middle of all the fighting. This is wrestling, not Melrose Place.

Edge and Luis Gonzalez do a series of five-second poses for the Arizona crowd and it only serves to make me miss the team of Edge & Christian that much more.

Chuck Palumbo VS Ron Simmons

Wow, here’s two guys I don’t give a shit about. They jaw at each other to start, and Ron makes with the right hands. Chuck gets a clothesline, and Ron bails. He gets introduced to the steps, and bails back inside. He gets a crappy hotshot to turn the tide and makes with some really lackadaisical stomps. And then, OH NO, THE abdominal stretch. Chuck powerslams out of it, but runs into Ron’s knee. A lazy bodyslam, leads to Ron getting caught in an overhead belly-to-belly. Slugfest ensues, and Chuck sets up the Junglekick, but Ron ducks and hits the spinebuster to win. What a horrible effort from both guys.

Winner: Ron Simmons

Best Match: Worst Match:

Quote of the Week:

“This is Funaki, Smackdown’s #1 Announcer!” - Funaki. Looking at Cole, Loyd, and Tazz, Funaki’s #1 on the depth chart by my count.

WWE Calendar:

Layin’ the Smackdown on Wall Street

Commercial Analysis

Before you die, you see The Ring. I could make some really tasteless Owen Hart jokes, but I’ll refrain in the name of good taste. I’ll just say that it’s not us who die before we see The Ring, it’s the studio who makes it.

X-Factor:

Pretty shitty show. Heat is better than this on a regular basis, so I’m glad I’m usually drunk on Saturday nights. It’s funny, I used to recap this show for Online Onslaught, but I don’t think I’ve watched it once until this night. Those recaps were such bullshit that it was a good thing I quit when I did. If I were a border cop letting in a potential 14 Mexican immigrants, only 4 would pass. As for the other 10 Villanos, well, fuck ‘em.

And now here’s Confidential:

Mean Gene, wow it’s good to hear his voice again for some reason. It brings me back to my youth when he’d come on before all the Coliseum Video releases and hype whatever shitty compilation tape was coming out next. The British Bulldog takes on Haku! Macho Man battles Hacksaw Jim Duggan! The Legion of Doom square off against The Orient Express in our Tag Team Match of the Month! It’s sad to think that I own tapes that contain all of those matches. Where was I going with that opening sentence? Oh right, Mean Gene welcomes us to Confidential.

Whatever, Gene teaches us that wrestling is, indeed, not fake. He references the TLC match from Monday which segues into a piece about why WWE superstars do what they do despite getting hurt all the time.

Jim Ross, Billy Gunn, Billy Kidman, and Larry Meck (eh? He’s a trainer, apparently.) extol the injuries and the risk involved in pro wrestling. HHH recalls when he performed the DREADED STEP across the ring and still finished the match.

Ew, there’s a hair in my water. A short brown one. Maybe I should stop drinking this. Eh, I’m tough like these guys, so I’ll continue even though it’s gross.

Billy Gunn, Rikishi, and Billy Kidman discuss finishing matches with injuries. Kurt Angle and Shane McMahon reminisce about their King of the Ring Match where Kurt broke his tailbone but continued. Kurt Angle rules!

Chris Benoit broke his neck during a match and was out a year, but dammit, he finished his match.

Lita broke her neck shooting some crappy television show. That Disgusting Slut deserves what she gets for failing to be on TV and depriving us of her sloppy ringwork, lousy promos, and ugly appearance. Wait, maybe it’s not so bad.

The Undertaker gets some more blowjob treatment, but Billy Gunn gets more camera time in this segment than anyone. Jesus, who even likes Billy Gunn? Apparently GLAAD did, but they were real stupid in their reasoning. Now they look like morons. Heh heh. He says the fans keep him going, but he doesn’t have any fans, so I’m guessing the steroids have to by default.

Gene guides us into the next segment by introducing us to some Tough Enough audition tapes. To get a grip on this segment, just think: “Hey MTV, I’m (insert name here), A.K.A. (insert dumb wrestling nickname cliche here), and I’m going to (insert intimidation verb here). Add crappy camera work, and presto, it’s a Tough Enough audition tape.

Victoria isn’t new to the WWE, in fact, she’s been lurking about for two years appearing in Diva photo shoots and such. But who is she? I don’t know, let’s find out.

She’s the opposite of what she appears to be on TV. She began in UPW (better than APW with that fat criminal, Roland Alexander), and participated in many bodybuilding contests. She IS quite buff. She had three brothers who all participated in wrestling, and wanted their same glory. So she ran into Chyna, who hooked her up with the WWE, where she quickly displayed her talents as a ho. Yep, great first step. I guess everyone starts somewhere, though.

She then got a developmental deal and went to Louisville and Cincinnati where she got the crap beaten out of her. Next came the Diva photo shoots where she was cut from all the publications. Man, this story sucks. Jim Ross sees Victoria as having a very large upside and a lot of potential. Winning segment, guys. I got to rush out and buy my Victoria merchandise right now, goddammit!

Let us now return to when Kurt Angle drenched the entire WCW/ECW alliance with milk. That was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen up to that point. That one night of busting a gut laughing my ass off almost makes up for the entire abortion of the Invasion angle.

Eh, maybe not. That angle was pretty bad.

Oh fuck, it’s Lilian Garcia. I fucking hate this bitch. I’m not recapping this.

The Rock invites us backstage on the set of The Scorpion King. Yep, this show has officially outlived its usefulness. Backstage at The Scorpion King? C’mon. Tell me who Pat Patterson tried to proposition this week, not this hackneyed Entertainment Tonight bullshit.

Gene wraps this fat waste of time up, and we’re outta here. Mike, I have no idea how you sit through this shit every week, and I’m actually happy for the first time in about two months that I recap RAW. Next week Mike returns, and I think if I recapped this show every week I’d have Mike’s personal pot habit dwarfed to Verne Troyer status in two episodes.

It’s been real.

Jonny X

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