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***WARNING**** INSANELY DISGUSTING BANNER COMING UP!! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE IT SCROLL REALLY FAST TO TEXT!!  Oh man, that’s foul. One or two warm-up notes: Confidential is a recap this week, however when I was flipping to it last night (during a commercial for “She Spies”… if anyone involved in that show happens to be reading drop me a line. I think we could make magic together) I noticed a segment I hadn’t done before. Depending on how things go I may recap that, but since it seemed to be about Lita I wouldn’t call your bookie to check the odds on it. THE RING POST has new Annie, Jones, Tony D and the latest MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS (pretty happy with my contribution this week… the rust is finally wearing off hopefully). Plus new Ginger and Zenk are historically a given for Sundays. And although it’s in the larval stage, we now have a TRP FORUM (keep in mind when you visit we’re not an “op board”, so show something resembling restraint when visiting you bunch of hooligans). Speaking of TRP, Yeahgr once again is responsible for the banner this week. Hope you didn’t just eat before looking. Thanks my ace. I can’t help but feel I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah… SIXTH JOKER’S CARD ON TUESDAY, MAKKO FAKKOS!! WOO WOO! All right, time to get to it. WWE VELOCITY 11/2/02 Still no love from anybody to screencap the Rock/Angle hentai graphic. You suck. OPENING GRAPHICS!! EXPLODIES!! SIGNS THAT DON’T HAVE MY NAME ON THEM! We’re wasting no time today, as soon as we get promised to see the big impact that Big Show made on Chuck “I don’t take it the rump” Palumbo is his opponent. He dashes into the ring and gets cheap-shotted immediately. D-Von goes to work. The yutz crew talks about how Show promised to do something we’d never seen before on his debut, and accomplished that by jobbing out Lesnar. Actually, Undertaker already did that… in fact, he just did it a week ago by turning him queer in the middle of the ring with all that “respect” crap. Also tonight we’ll be seeing footage of the backstage brawl between Angle and Benoit. Here’s Mark Lloyd’s description of how crazy it was: “Broken bottles, glass flying everywhere, Angle with a shot in the forehead.” The brawl was like 4 minutes and had about a zillion spots and he just described THE SAME SPOT THREE TIMES!! Fuck a broken bottle… Brother Love made that segment. DETROIT BEATS THE COWBOYS!! We’re no longer the worst team in football. Palumbo has had zilch for offense. D-Von no longer wears his priest get-up but rather his t-shirt with his name in the Christian fish. I swear, the return on his investment that Satan has gotten from his deal with Vince is up there with the ones on Madonna and Walt Disney. Palumbo comes back with a few clotheslines and slams. The crowd couldn’t be any deader for this match if they were the DJs for Run-DMC. Chuck goes for a superkick that gets caught, but connects with it for the win moments later. Is that considered an upset? I mean, how low on the roster do you have to be for a D-Von win to take you to the next level? TONIGHT: Crash Holly and Jamie Noble take on Kidman and Funaki. Remember when Billy was billed as the biggest star of the future? How ironic the smart money says he counts the lights in this one. And next, the tag champs don’t like each other much. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Chavo hits Angle in the back, allowing Benoit to beat him in a singles match. We’re about to see the footage from the Halloween party. The fun begins with the AWESOME match between Edge and Chris where the hippie is about to submit to the crossface when Kurt pulls him out. Moments later a disoriented net darling loses to a spear and is way pissed about it, so much so he doesn’t bother to check the outfit of a masked guy who is obviously Angle (they also show Torrie, her dad and Dawn Marie all hanging together like they’re best buddies. Oops). Later on Eddy and Kurt go at it, with the obvious retaliation sure to come. Sure enough, he’s coshed with the belt and Eddy gets the frogsplash win. Backstage he sees the same Scream outfit, but instead of Benoit BROTHER LOVE… who tells him I LUUUUUV EEEYYUUUU!! before the wily Cannuck attacks from behind. Cool spots include Angle getting his head dunked in an bobbing tub and coming up with an apple in his mouth, a stool getting broken, and the broken glass spot during an Olympic slam (they make the mistake of showing it again in slow motion, totally giving it away as being a sugar prop bottle). Still, cool spot. STILL TO COME: The Big Show. Hmmm, no mention of Eric raping Stephanie yet. Commercials MTV hates fag-bashing, so Scott’s the immediate heel (and of course my favorite… so he’ll probably be gone by next week). Wonder how Jackie Chan’s homophobia will work in the (hopefully) upcoming celebrity version? Fortunately, he’s getting over so who knows. They also show the clips of him winning a bet so the two jock assholes have to wear bikinis to the beach (I know… I was as shocked to see cross-dressing on that network as you must’ve been). Then Scott tears his thumb, but vows to continue. They decide not to focus on any of the stuff with psycho-bitch and her suicide attempt (Goddamnit! If she’d jumped and then Triple H had fucked her I bet they wouldn’t have been so quick to censor it). Must’ve been a last-minute decision not to show all that, since Cole acts like that was the focus of the montage. D’oh! Chavo comes out to take on… um… who? The ring announcer says his name, but it’s all muffled and the penises on the stick would rather talk about the fucking price of Faberge eggs than what’s happening in the ring. Eventually they get around to telling us he’s named “Tyson Dew”. He’s got “Text Book” on the ass of his tights. And at long last “Hard Work” Bobby Walker relinquishes the “Dumbest Nickname in the History of God’s Green Earth” title (and then sues the academy for discrimination). This kid is a total doof, doing all kinds of weird goofy dances and such. Cole says “they have Ritalin for those kinds of problems.” Hey, good call… *snooooort* Well that didn’t help. He still sucks. Eat my ass, Michael. Chavo is introducing this kid to wrestling hardcore. Stiff shots. He gets a little more offense then looks white some more with his dances. Chavo decides he’s had enough and brainbusts the kid into oblivion. Big Show crap still to come. Commercials GO GREYHOUND RECAP: Show and Lesnar square off and Paul E. tastes wall. FROM SMACKDOWN: Heyman compares a potential match between the behemoths to the Ali/Frazier match that was “so violent both men wound up beating the greatness out of each other”. Interesting analogy… except that “beating the greatness out of the Big Show” is a task akin to “beating the heterosexuality out of MMN”. Oh, wait… he’s talking about the Undertaker. Eh, joke works either way. Heyman’s telling Brock he can’t F-5 the Big Show. Riiiiiiiiight. Meanwhile Big Show is shown throwing Taker off the stage, which was a cool shot. Then thankfully they don’t show his match with Rikishi but do show the unbelievably awful promo he cut afterwards. Seriously… it is SOOOOO bad. My boy Bob who gets in this Canada an hour early tried to warn us, but there was no way to fully comprehend the blather we were subjected to. Note to WWE office: It’s not just us net geeks either… NO ONE buys Big Show as a threat after his tenure to this point. Three words for booking the Survivor Series match… TWO MINUTE SQUASH! In the ring, Brock shoots and calls BS a “Giant piece of shit”. Big Show leaves because he knows there’s no retort for that, then tells him Stephanie has advised him not to hurt him before the PPV. Still, he promised to do something that had never been done to Brock before. What? Sell for him on a main event? Later Brock is taking on Rey, but Show catches the jumping bean mid-619 and tosses him into the crowd. He then slams Brock through the announcer’s table. They sell it that’s the same unbreakable table that’s been there since 1984 rather than pointing out someone goes through the damn thing every other show. They’ll meet at Survivor Series. To all those who are calling Scott Steiner a “desperation signing”, I reply “SO FUCKING WHAT?” Commercials Last Saturday the WWE was in England. [Insert bad teeth, bad food and adding “u” to stupid places in words it doesn’t belong in joke here] Is it main event time yet? Well, if it is in the next segment then “yes”, since Albert is making his way to ringside. Another new guy I might have otherwise put over in his stellar debut gets screwed by the rule. *fast forward* UP NEXT: Rednecks, rice-eaters and Jews… OH MY! Commercials Time for Jamie Noble. Hey, Van… do me a favor and kick some licks for him and Nidia to come out to.  Nah nah ni nanana nah NA NAAAH! Thanks bro. Now let’s go vandalize the Piggly Wiggly sign. Cole and Lloyd talk about them switching outfits at the party and suggest that’s been done in the trailer a few times as well (geez, I swear one of these days I’m going to start the “National Association for the Advancement of White Trash”… oh wait, David Duke already beat me to it). They’re followed by Crash, SMACKDOW NUMBAH WAN ANNOWNSA and Kidman. They mention that Crash likes to brag he lives near a prison… so if you ever decide to stalk him just look for the mailbox that says “Mr. Conjugal Visit”. Noble and Kidman start out. They say “Scottie, if you can hear me… Smackdown is where you want to be.” Speaking of which, in the latest Ross Report Jim is reporting that they’ve had no talks with Steiner since the birth of Christ. Funaki in… thankfully the jackwads are talking about other crap so Cole hasn’t gone into his “you’re jealous of Smackdown’s #1 announ…”, well, fuck I spoke too soon. Lloyd says as a reporter he wants to know what was up with Eric and Steph. Cole says she’s their boss and they should shut up about it. He also says that Mark sounds “like a 15 year old boy who’s never been kissed before.” YES! Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present the absolute LONGEST RUNNING GAG IN THE HISTORY OF BWM-DOM: ”Pot… meet kettle. Mmmmmm, pot.” Thank ya, thank ya very much. SMACKADOW NUMBA WAN ANNOWNSA is taking a helly beating in there. Kidman wants a tag but it aint happening. Someone holds up an “EVIL” sign. Aaah, those were the days. Kidman in. BEAUTIFUL drop kick on Noble. Near fall on Crash. Holly recovers with an acid drop but Funaki saves. Nidia sets up on the top rope and dives for SMACKADOW NUMBA WAN ANNOWNSA but hits Crash instead (mmmm, had to watch that in slo-mo. PERFECT crotch shot.) Kidman almost gets the pin but Crash kicks out. Hard kick and Billy sets up for the SSP. NAILS it, and this one is over. OOH, that’s why Brock isn’t allowed to do it, they don’t want to take any of the heat they’ve managed to build for Billy Kid… Billy K… HAHAHAHAHA!!! They remind us that Smackdown is in New Hampshire this week. So? Thus endeth my my new material for the week (except for a line or two at the bottom). Let’s go into rerun mode. WWE CONFIDENTIAL OPENING GRAPHICS: Tonight a child with really long legs is shown all dolled up, and we’re supposed to guess who she is. Um… Jon Benet? Plus, DDP’s career is at a crossroads. He says it was tough to admit he’d have to walk away because it was tough. I’m not one to belittle career-ending injuries, but I doubt seriously it was any harder than having to sit through his Leno and Malone matches. Gene Okerlund hasn’t had a career-ending injury yet, and for that I have to wonder why none of you can ever be bothered to take any initiative in speeding that along. He says we’re still recovering from the bomb last week (hey, real sensitive to our middle-eastern viewers, you anti-Semite). Geno gives the background, how at the “unheard of age of 32” he decided to become a wrestler, and bounced around in the minors before his good friend Eric Bischoff gave him a shot in WCW. “As incredible as it sounds, he became the three time (repeat 3x) champion.” Give us a break, Gene. You worked there, you know as well as anyone what being Uncle Eric’s buddy can grant anyone. “When WCW was bought out by World Wrestling Entertainment, Page was one of the few stars signed to WWE”. Fuck you, Gene… I just sat through a Hugh Morris match. Don’t try and sell that as any great accomplishment. At the age of 45 he finally realized his dream of becoming a WWE superstar, but then with the “suddenness of his finisher, the diamond cutter… BANG!” (uuuuuhh… he performs the sign of the cutter. I’m going to be ill) his career was in the balance. “But like we’ve heard so many times this week, when one door closes… another one opens.” If ratings don’t pick up, that may be the best way to spin “Smackdown” being moved from UPN to “E!” DDP starts by telling about the injury that caused it, a match with Hardcore Holly back in April. He lands bad and immediately thinks his neck is broken. It is a pretty sick spot. They show him talking to Dr. Youngblood, and say that since he’s working with Benoit, Rhyno, and Lita he’s got a proven track record. How so? Are ANY of them working matches yet? He said he was warned it could be the big one that ends things, but he’d heard that before so he was thinking he’d just work around it. Then when he was told that they’d cancel his insurance if he did, he knew it was really time to hang up the boots. He says the first guy that called him was Kevin Nash, probably to see if his injury could be used as an excuse to not work for a year. He shows his AWA tryout tapes, and how Jesse Ventura inspired him to try and get into the business as a manager. Now I have NEVER liked DDP the wrestler but Diamond Dallas Page… manager of B…A… GOOD GOD DOUBLE D COMPANY… was one of my favorite talents in the business as a fledgling fan. But he didn’t really want to be a manager, he wanted to wrestle. So he started going to the WCW Power Plant, and working out with Kanyon and Kidman and all the kids. “I feed off of young people”, he explains. I can think of at least one WWE announcer who could say the same thing. Hulk Hogan credits him for all he’s accomplished this late in his life. Well, if there’s ANYONE who’s gonna be able to relate to that… They show him being recruited by the nWo, and his first run into the crowd after he DCs Hall (they cut before seeing what happened to Nash… bet he blew the spot). He wins the belt for the first time in some four way thingy I don’t remember, and William Regal says he rose through the ranks quicker than anyone he can remember. In fact, he shot through the ranks quicker than Eric shot into Kimberly out of “gratitude”. Shockingly, they cut right past the whole “feud over the Booty Babe” that made him “quit” wrestling and turned him into a street bum. THAT was seminal stuff. Then he tells the story of going to a Jazz game and how Karl Malone made the sign of the Cutter to him, and how he went to Eric and said “I have a great idea…”. Monday someone said those same words and followed them with “let’s re-hire Vince Russo”. Needless to say we get almost no clips of the actual match, since most shots allowed you to see a drunken Dennis Rodman. Then we see Eric and Hogan holding the Tonight Show hostage (and if you remember Bischoff’s show, you know that EVEN LENO was comparatively entertaining) and DDP coming to the rescue. Wow, seeing angles like that… it’s just confounding why they didn’t become #1 again. Wait, did I say “confounding”? What I meant was “INCREDIBLY FUCKING OBVIOUS”! As Page laughs at Leno’s appearance we see highlights from Sturgiss. Comparatively speaking, they showed the entire Malone match in relation to this one. One God Awful Leno punch to Eric and it’s done. Tony says, “We’re having fun, I hope you are too”. It’s sad how long that sums up the entire policy for that company (not to mention how it seems to be again for WWE). He says that as great as everything was, of course he really wanted to be in the WWF (fucking hippy). I must admit, when he unmasked as the stalker I was pretty floored. I just noticed that AT NO TIME does he ever mention he was “The People’s Champion”. Nash says he finally got to live his dream. Now Page says he has to step away from it because he wasn’t ready to leave. To be honest, I wasn’t either Diamond. Then you reminded me about Jay and Karl and you’re back on my shit list. Plus we didn’t even get to see Kimberly in a bikini. Don’t let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out, hillbilly. Awww, I can’t stay mad at the man who managed Tanaka and Diamond to such greatness. Good luck in the future Mr. Falkenburg (now apologize for Malone and Leno you fuck). When we come back, Stacy being groomed for her show business career. Looks like her parents always wanted big things for her. Today they tell friends “hey, at least she’s not doing porno.” Commercials Gene’s holding a tape measure. Dude, I don’t care if you’re Hank Kingsley, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT!! Oh, he’s showing how long Stacy’s legs are. He asks what he can say about Mr. McMahon’s assistant that won’t get him fired. Um… you can say “Vince is a dirty sot with AIDS so she should come here and swallow my other bald head”. I PROMISE you’ll be promoted post haste, Gene Mean. They show her as a kid talking about all the beauty contests she’s won, and her dancing and stuff. This is so riveting I can’t stand it. No really, I can’t stand it. It’s gone. Heh, real quick… she’s shown as Miss Hancock and bringing her baby carriage down to the ring (if you recall, the “baby” wound up being snapshots of Sean Staziak). That they could hire Vince THE SAME WEEK that footage played on a company editing machine is simply stunning. UP NEXT: William Regal plays with his reptiles. Commercials Gene talks about the different types of things people collect. For instance, he says he’s famous for his collection of a certain magazine, and “you know what I’m talking about”. There’s just too many ways to go with that one. William Regal, however… collects reptiles. Snakes, turtles, lizards. They are very cool. He laughs as he tells the story of his iguana trying to rape his wife’s hair. Regal is the man. He loads a bowl with dead mice and prepares to eat them. One of the lizards does. I was hoping those weren’t for the snake, since frozen mice keeps their aggressions bottled up until you try to stick your hand in there. Plus it’s much more fun to watch a live rat pay the price. My snake rules. Why does he like reptiles so much? Because “human beings disgust me. Horrible creatures. You’re better off with a lizard.” Someone put the belt on this guy. Gene asks which we like better, Britney or Madonna. Well, I may question Miss Spear’s virginity but at least you could probably go down on her without hearing an echo so I’ll go with the former. Now what does that have to do with jack shit? Oh, the REAL question is “who has the better five star frogsplash?” For that, we will go directly to the source. RVD talks about how close to flying it is, and Eddy says he tries every time to go a little bit higher. Rob says that means it’s going to hurt a little bit more when he lands. Eddy says he likes that feeling. Heh, Rob’s got that “fire in his eyes” Rock was talking about earlier. RVD says his is better because he goes higher and because he’s the most gifted athlete in the world. Eddy says his is the original and everything else is simply a copy. They then admit to the subtle differences, that Eddy’s is more high impact but Rob’s looks better. They both break character and talk about how well they work in the ring together. We see the ladder match that was fucking AWESOME! They talk about the sunset slam spot that was so freakin’ dangerous. And Rob laughs at dingus from the crowd that ran in and Eddy isn’t ashamed that he decked him. Both are upset the match wasn’t more spectacular. Rob says they both know they can out-do that match, and one day will. STILL TO COME: We haven’t drained all the publicity out of the Stone Cold thing we can yet, so stay tuned. SNICKERS REWIND: Eddy gives a five star frogsplash to RVD. Commercials Lita was at THE WORLD on Monday, so we’re going to have a segment about her. If you are confused about why I’m skipping this, re-read the “Albert Rule” many pages ago. Last week on Confidential, “Steve Williams walked out the proverbial door”. It just dawned on me the dilemma JR has when he sets up his speed dial. Gene says Austin redefined the business, and that he’d know since when he was at WCW Austin was the main reason they were getting their butts kicked in the ratings. Uh huh, like that time Tony Schiovane said “Steve Austin is winning the belt tonight, THAT will put butts in the seats”. Gene says that in the days of tabloid television it’s easy to jump to conclusions, but when it comes to Austin, Vince said it best on RAW (what an kiss ass). So now we’re at RAW. Vince says thank you for everything Austin did for the company than drinks a beer to him. Hey, if it makes a convenient excuse that’s why I’m drinking one right now too. Why I’m using it chase down Jager shots is something between only me and Steve. UP NEXT: More DDP. Commercials Gene discusses DDP’s white trash existence. Then DDP talks about his learning disorders. It’s inspirational, it’s heart wrenching. It’s HEY THERES KIMBERLY AND CLEAVAGE!! The long and short of it is that he went from not being able to read to being able to write really horrible books. When we come back, wrestler’s prom stories. The ONLY reason they put stuff like this in here is to get back at the people who make fun of them in recaps, don’t let them tell you otherwise. Commercials Gene says “everyone has a prom story”. But that… … mmmm, prom story. Be right back. … … *lights cigarette* Where were we? Oh Good God, right. You… you REALLY don’t me to recap this. It’s so bad it defies description. At least all the Divas are scantily clad so it’s not PAINFUL to watch. But without the visual… you don’t even want to know. Gene closes by wishing Jesse the best in whatever he’s going to do now that he’s going to avoid getting thrashed in an election, and I’m sure is salivating at the opportunity to get him on this show. Oh yeah, I’d look VERY forward to that one as well. NEXT WEEK:  Holla if you hear THAT, mother fuckers. Barbwire Mike ”We wanna have fun, and we want to get wasted” |