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 Sorry, guys... I was unable to ring in the holiday right by getting MMN to put on the Gobbledy Gooker costume. He did offer (begged, in fact) to dress up like Pocahontus but I didn't want to ruin everyone's appitite for the country's most famous eating day. Tomorrow everybody has the day off... but not MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS! So go to THE RING POST to take a look-see, along with new Zenk, Jones, Annie, Ginger, Tony and our team of rookies that really just blow me away every time I click one of their columns. Come check them out. Come say hi in the forum. Come watch the video of the week. Come on Eileen. Oh come all ye faithful. Open your mouth and let me c... ok, that's enough. HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM HOMESTAR RUNNER! And my eternal link to the ICP review/enlightenment post is on hold while PHANTASMO undergoes a suave new look. In the meantime, to the fella that wrote in asking if my bust had done anything to shake my faith: You REALLY don't get it, pal. Let's talk turkey...er... wrestling. In honor of tomorrow's big holiday (that would be "Thanksgiving"... or in Detroit: "Nationally Televised Lion's Loss Day") Lethal Wrestling used our vast sources within the industry to contact the biggest names in the sport. Thankfully, most of them were in the spirit so we didn't have to resort to "plan B" in which they were asked a little more directly by a heavily-armed TUS. So as you prepare to celebrate the recognition of the day Terrence got spatter on Chief Running Wolf, let's take a look at what some of your favorite sports entertainers (and Kevin Nash and Triple H) have to be thankful for over the last 12 months: Vince McMahon: I'm thankful that I ran an angle where I said I was trying to destroy the company, so when we have to shut our doors it doesn't look like we all just blew it. Stephanie McMahon: Glad you asked. I'm thankful for my brilliant business accument. Sure, we're losing money hand over fist in the WWE right now, but because I'm so smart I was able to offset that by buying stock in the silicon industry. Hell, my surgeries alone are enough to stay rich off the dividends. Big Show: You're kidding, right? Take a wild fucking guess. Brock Lesnar: Well, there were those two shows I was in where I didn't get jobbed out to people I should've been destroying. I guess I'm thankful for those. Paul Heyman: I'm really thankful that Brian Pillman and Bruiser Brody are dead and don't have to see what has become of this business. Kurt Angle: I'm immensely thankful I'm not on RAW (through the phone speaker, a raucous roar of approval could be heard, suggesting that every person in the locker room shared the sentiment). Triple H: I'm thankful to have learned from the most elite backstage politikers on earth, Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels, that looking out for number one is infinitely more important than making a product people want to watch. I'm also pretty damn thankful we chased away so much of our audience with the necro angle that almost no one noticed the next week when my love doll was exposed as being a dude. Chris Benoit: I'm thankful that it's only a month until I can walk into a dressing room without everyone breaking into a medley of "All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" again. Rey Mysterio: I'm thankful to once again be thrilling audiences with my high-flying ariel moves. And that they let me wear a mask again so I don't look like a teenage male hustler with devil horns anymore. Dawn Marie: I'm very thankful I don't know who my father is so I didn't wind up on the other side of this rancid angle I'm stuck in. Edge: I'm thankful I don't have an Internet connection at my house. Eddy Guerrero: I'm just thankful it's the holiday seeeson, hese. I crack up every time they play that "Police got my car" song done to "Feliz Navidad", holmes. Kevin Nash: I'm thankful that there's some malevolent force on earth that keeps me from being fired even though I'm the most worthle... wait, who did you say this was for? WHAT? You're the cocksuckers that have that video of me, aren't you? You better be thankful I'm too fucking lazy to call my lawyer. Scott Hall: Thanksh for askin', Shanta. I have been a real good boy this year and want shtock in the Jack Danielsh dishtillery and the spechial edishin DVD of Shcarface. And I'd like thish room to shtop shpinning please. Rob Van Dam: I'm thankful I don't live in a stupid state where civil rights can be violated in ways that force me to stop smoking... especially with that fine Christmas Tree bud that's going to start making the rounds any day now. Goldberg: I'm thankful this isn't one of those holidays where I get blamed for killing anybody's savior or removing his name to replace it with an "X". Eric Bischoff: I'm quite thankful that by the time everyone realized why they hated seeing me on television so much I already had too much of a foothold to be fired. Scott Steiner: I'm thankful that there's almost no chance in Hell I'll be re-teamed with Buff Bagwell again in this lifetime. And I know my PHREAKS ARE TOO... GOBBLE IF YA HEAR ME!! Booker T: I'm thankful the business will always be racist at heart, keeping my ebonics gimmick marketable for as long as I'm able to walk. CAN YOU DIG THAT... SUUUUUUUUCKAAAAAAA!?!?! Chris Jericho: What the fuck would I have to be thankful about? Don't you realize I'm Canadian? Steve Austin: WHAT? Ha! Kidding... I heard you, beanpole. I'm thankful that I took my haitus when I did so that maybe now that turd McMahon can see what a horrible, wretched product he's got without me. That... and I'm thankful there's not a judge in America who thinks that smacking the shrill out of Debra's voice is worth jail time. Rhyno: I'm still employed? Sweet! Rikishi: I'm eternally thankful that even after the XFL went down in flames that Vince McMahon stills feels like he has to out-do the National Football League. Mmmmm... 12-legged turkey. Hulk Hogan: Well, let me tell you something brother. I'm thankful that I was able to have one last run at the World Title despite how obviously bad it was for the rest of the business. It made me real nostalgic for the WCW days... hmmm, come to think of it pretty much everything they do now makes me real nostalgic for the WCW days brother. X Pac: I'm thankful to be gainfully employed within the confines of TNA, and to be engaged to the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm also thankful for these new pills that distort reality in ways I'd never dreamed of. The Messiah: I'm thankful I still have a cock. And that's going to do it for this edition. Everyone have a happy holiday, and if you get sick of leftovers remember you can always EAT A BAG OF HELL!! Barbwire Mike Be thankful I don't have access to nuclear arms, fucknuts |