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 Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today to prai… oh wait, wrong post. A couple of announcements to get out of the way and we’ll hop right to it. The review of the new Insane Clown Posse CD is up at our close ally PHANTASMO. No spoilers, but the music discussion is kind of secondary. I absolutely urge you to read (and to answer the upcoming question: No, I’m not speaking in metaphors). Clowns rule… it’s so damn good the entire staff except RK took the week off to jam to it. Speaking of not writing for Lethal when they should be, REV. TOBY has a cool interview with former MMA competitor and rising All Japan star PJ Friedman. Good read, look for more to come. Since this was added late and it otherwise messes up the “speaking of” gimmick I was working with the opening today, I urge you to read this too. Speaking of urging (see what I mean). Do I have to come to your house, roust you out of bed, and smash your fingers with a hammer to get you to follow this link to THE RING POST? Shouldn’t, since there’s a bevy of good shit not limited to our hella talented new writer MRFeindish (and more coming), a new forum for you to graffito, and the latest by Tom Zenk and Ginger being all but a given on Sundays. An announcement: For one week only MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS is going to be put on hold. Be sure to check in this Thursday for “MONDAY NIGHTS SUCK” and enjoy the “two-fer”. Speaking of “two-fers”, swallow my shaft and lick my asshole clean too. Let’s get to the recap. GENETIC PHREAK TONIGHT, BIATCHES!! WWE VELOCITY 11/9/02 (Never forget, dyslexics) We begin with the butt-sex graphic all you miserable shit stains refuse to… oops, force of habit.  YES!!! THAT’S THE ONE! Soooooo many thanks to Zac Campbell for sending that along. Now if I can just get a sign on TV… OPENING GRAPHICS!! EXPLODIES!! ONE HOUR TIL BOOTY DADDY!! Today we’ll be discussing the Big Show continuing the alumni trend of making Brock Lesnar look weak, but not until after making fun of Crash Holly’s failed attempt to jump over the ropes during his entrance. Stereotypical Japanese music hits, meaning either Tajiri is coming out or the big-titted 13-year old elf in a schoolgirl outfit is about to have all her orifices stuffed by a plant with 40 penises. Damn, Tajiri is coming out. *zips pants* Dear jiminy, Survivor Series is NEXT WEEK? That’s news to me (“news” as in “boy they’ve done a bang-up job of making this seem like a big one” rather than “oh I better call my cable without delay and order it”, so there’s no confusion). If there’s an up side to the big spot on Smackdown, it at least shows that Brock is tougher than Undertaker who’s supposedly near death from the same fall. Again… that’s IF there’s an up side. Crash and Tajiri trade amateur moves as Cole and Lloyd practice amateur commentary about Big Slow. Holly attempts a tarantula and finds himself digging his teeth out of the floor mat moments later. They continue to duke it out on the floor. Spoke too soon about Taker, he’ll be on SD this Thursday. No word on whether that means he’ll be in the arena or jump out of his wheelchair at The World (if he does, he better put a bicycle lock on it. I hear the guys running that place will steal anything that’s not nailed down). Mike berates Mark for making Torrie Wilson cry. I don’t know what it is about women crying that’s so sexy…especially between pleas of “please let me out of this basement. I promise I won’t tell anyone”. Fapfapfapfapfap. Crash stretches the Buzz Saw and slams him. They talk about the blind date coming up on the “Smackdown Special” coming up Tuesday. That should be a good ti… wait a second… Tuesday… UPN… OH MY GOD THEY’RE CUTTING INTO BUFFY FOR THIS HORSESHIT?? They better make up for it by having BS get staked through the heart next Sunday. Reverse sunset flips leads to that devastating low drop kick to the face Taj used to look like he was killing ECW wrestlers with every week. We also mention that AWESOME tag match from last week where new champs were crowned. While I was typing that Tajiri wins the match with TWO kicks to the face. Both look painful. Good match… not “tentacle hentai rape” good, but no complaints. Still to come: Big Show walks in a door, Torrie’s dad walks down the aisle, and I walk to my kneeling altar to pray for a really long Albert match to speed things up so we can get to Papa Pump. Commercials NEXT ON CONFIDENTIAL: SCOTT STEINER!! Really? I had no idea. Geez, one commercial break in and we’ve already had three rape jokes. And you wonder why I didn’t get all high and mighty about the necro angle. :) On Smackdown Torrie has to talk to her father, but he interrupts that he needs to tell her something first. He says he’s always done everything for her but tonight he’s going to do something for himself. She apparently is clueless as to what he means. Well, that should dispel most questions about whether she’s a natural blonde or not. In the ring, Al gets “WHAT?” chants as he proposes to DM. Hmm, sounds like the microphone is turned on… crowd must be as old as he is if they’re having trouble hearing him. Tazz has a BLAST calling this angle. Both announcers laugh so hard through the whole spot that Cole even begs her to say no after being told “I’ll kill myself” if she did. Doesn’t take a road map to figure out where this one is going. Oh well, if he can’t get anyone else to care anymore, maybe Vince figures he can still piss off the AARP. Cole: Look at Al, he’s humiliated. Tazz: How do you think I feel? I’m the commentator on this horrible segment. BWAHAHAHA!! Wonder how many times Ross has wanted to say that in the last 12 months? Dawn does a great job of waiting to give the answer. When she finally accepts she has to remind Al he fucked up the spot by leaving the ring in his pocket. They are so smitten by each other they seal it with a… um… hug? No tongue? I guess I owe Tony D. five bucks on that “is there anything she won’t do for money” bet. We’ll have highlights of the tag title change upon our return. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE W… er… OF THREE WEEKS AGO: Rey and Edge beat the Guerrero brothers to become #1 contenders. Clips of that SWEET best of three falls match. Rey handles both opponents and Edge gives them a double spear in the corner. AMAZING springboard into the rana off the top rope for a near fall, and it’s cemented a moment later with a flying slam for the first fall. Then Kurt and Chris have some fun with the fact Rey weighs about half of what your prom date did and do lots of power stuff on him. Edge tries to make the save but a missed spear sends him headfirst into the title belt and is barely conscious enough to tap out to the ankle lock. The champs bitch about who should get their hand raised for the last fall, and we’re onto the finals. Oh good grief, the Bronco Buster lives again. Watching from the shelter at the Y, X-Pac doesn’t know whether to be angry or aroused. Match appears to end with Angle getting pinned but his hand was on the ropes. That’s right, kiddies… we get FOUR falls in this one. Mysterio gets beaten hardcore, which he puts on hold by turning a press slam into a DDT somehow (again… GREAT match!) Edge gets the hot tag and takes care of business until almost getting locked in Angle’s submission move again. Kick out then Rey with a 619 OFF THE RING POST! DAAAMN! Spear and then Benoit nails his partner with a flying headbutt while trying to save him. Three count later and we have new tag champs. I again have to ask why all you people hate Edge so much (then ask myself why I’d ask that about a Canadian hippie?) STILL TO COME: Brock is so pissed at seeing Big Show on the TV he smashes it to pieces. Been there, brother. Commercials Whew! Super Tuesday doesn’t begin until 9. I’d still take the earlier suggestion about the SS outcome under advisement if I were you, WWE. TOUGH ENOUGH 3: Scott gets piss drunk (literally) and taken to the hospital. He also is working through a broken hand, as well as getting knocked cold by one of the asshole jocks who BETTER not win this thing. They decide not to focus on the other asshole jock who can’t do the back bump right and makes everyone work twice as hard the next day. At the end, the goofy tall guy is cut. This is shitloads better than last season (Heaven forbid we may even have a GUY as one of the victors this time). Ahh, my very favorite part of Velocity. The fast-forward segment. Please keep Albert employed on here forever guys. I once again apologize to any potential readers who may be up and coming WWE talent that gets booked against him for their debut, as is the case with Jason Portasomethingwhosname-Iaintrewindingasecondtimetocatch. *fast forward* UP NEXT: Paul E. can’t stop Brock from wanting a piece of Big Show. We honestly appreciate the effort though, Paul… you always did care about the fans. Commercials. I’d rather be hit with a nuclear bombica/than see that Sandler cartoon about Hanukah. JVC TOWER OF POWER REWIND: Big Show somehow manages to not shatter the announce table that women have gone through even though he’s using a three hundred pounder as his tool. Oh good God Show has the microphone. What? Is that Albert I see in the crowd? *fast forward* Eddy and Chavo tell Paul they agree with him that Brock can’t beat Show so he starts to chase after them, causing Heyman to say “shit”. He yells at him for his lack of gratitude and tells him if he wants to see what it’s like to wrestle without him at ringside to do so tonight, then locks himself in the locker room. Just so he never gives Lesnar that same option when it’s time to cut the promo we’re all on the same page. In the ring Eddy gets thrown all over the place, with the only real Latino Heat coming after help from Chavo. Brock noticeably hurts his leg, which isn’t a “spot” as the announcers try to distract attention away from it. He basically sits down as he’s leaving the ring, and even steps through the ropes very gingerly. Boy would they be fucked if he needed some time off. At the top of the stage he lifts his belt to the crowd, giving Big Show the opportunity to sneak up from behind and throw him off the stage (it is a VERY impressive press slam). They’ll meet next weekend, with the heavy suggestion that Brock doesn’t want to wait that long. Commercials BIG PAPA PUMP IS COMING!! He may be a big name, but he’s no GODFATHER AND PERRY SATURN! Lucky Europeans. D-Von and Ron Simmons come out for the Velocity main event. This match is so big they haven’t mentioned it a single time tonight. He’s taking on SMACKADOW NUMBAH WAN ANNOWNSA Funaki, who Cole suggests wouldn’t have made Torrie Wilson cry. Well, duh… he’s Asian. He’d be lucky just to not be rattling around in there. His partner is Chuck Palumbo. Meanwhile, Billy’s probably off in a rest area with his own different partner tonight. Lloyd answers Cole’s statement about how he’d love his father to be marrying Dawn Marie with “Of course, you’re a guy”. “Thank you for pointing out the obvious”, Cole responds. You WISH it was obvious, prissy. Ron and Chuck mix it up while they talk about the big Super Tuesday on UPN. Hey, fuckers… EVERY Tuesday is “Super Tuesday” on there. Of course, it’s also known as “White People Tuesday”, but only around the network’s home office. Oh MAN this match is sooooooo boring. Anyone going to be especially upset if we just kill it and move on to the good stuff? Really? NONE of you? As long as it’s unanimous. Faces win, we’re out of here. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 11/9/02 For those of you nimrods who don’t read the ads at the top, WRAITH REVIEW AND SWERVE ENDING awaits you. If you never have or will follow another link I give you, follow this one (now THAT has somewhat metaphorical significance). TONIGHT: Rico, and the music behind Shawn Michaels. Um… ANYTHING ELSE, CORNHOLERS?? Gene welcomes us to the show. They just go right into discussion of Rico. Look guys, I’m sorry we posted the Nash’s Sacrifice thing but are you going to keep making me pay for it forever? Okerlund tells us that Rico was instrumental in the whole gay wedding thing and now is making waves as the manager of 3MW. He calls him a hard read because one minute he’s doing your hair (“and he does nice work”. Oh like YOU’D fucking know), and the next he’s stabbing you in the back. He says that tonight his real past will be “outed” (cute), and we’ll learn among other things he was a Las Vegas cop (MMN is already writing him to see if he can do anything about those pesky “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” charges stemming from the big Boy Scouts convention there last summer). We start with Rico telling the story of helping this dude who was in a motorcycle wreck, and re-telling the story to the victim where it happened. He died and came back. Amazing. Here’s an idea: TELL IT TO FUCKING OPRAH!! IT’S TIME FOR THA HOOK UP!! This goes on for a good five minutes. He visited in the hospital, he gave comfort to the wife, he’d check on them after the guy was released from the hospital. This is like root canal. It’s taking everything I can to not Brock my TV right now. You want a more thorough recap? Fine: GAYEST SEGMENT EVER!! When we come back Crash Holly is going to talk about the 24-7 glory days of the Hardcore Title. What the phuck does that have to do with phreaks? Commercials Last month the HC belt was retired, bringing a “colorful chapter of this company’s history” to a close. We’re going to be bringing a colorful bullet-hole to your forehead IF I DON’T GET MY STEINER SOON!! AAAHH!! Man, I need to calm down. Hey, whaddaya know? It’s 4:20. Good timing. Segment starts with Crash winning the belt and declaring he’d defend it 24/7, in hotel rooms, strip clubs, parking lots, bathhouses… whatever. These really did result in quite a few moments of fun TV. First thing they did after that was Mean Street Posse attacking him in the hotel room. Bruce Prichard says they came up with the ideas based on what wrestlers do in their real lives (hence, they never had a “library” episode). The recurring theme is him getting attacked everywhere, and often escaping because everyone pulls the guy who’s about to beat him off so they can score the pin. See spots from the circus (wicked clowns?), massaging (Ivory tries to beat him there), the Laundromat, a baggage claim… Prichard says every time they’d arrive at a location they’d try to see what made the best weapons, knowing they’d have to top the shit they’d done a week prior. They focus on the funhouse, where the Headbangers attacked him. That was a hell of a “match”. They play it off like the cameraman going down the big slide was improvised. Prichard says that what made the angle work was Crash’s willingness to do anything (which is accentuated by the spot of Simmons rolling a bowling ball into his nads). Crash calls it the obvious highlight of his career, and regrets only they never did a spot inside a strip club. When we come back, more crap that’s not why I actually looked forward to this show for once. Commercials WWE Anthology (released Tuesday, on GROKSTER shortly thereafter) has all the Shawn Michaels songs, including the Amy Grant-sounding tribute song he will cement his homo reputation with if he comes to the ring EVEN ONE TIME to. Note to anyone deluded enough to think Aerosmith is cool: Gene Okerlund just quoted them. He asks us to imagine a world without ring music, and then tells you to go spend a quarter bag worth of cash on the big collection of them they’re releasing. Sorry WWE, but I’m saving my money for Survivor Series… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Anyway… we’re going to focus in on Shawn Michaels… and GODDAMNIT, the phone has begun to ring. *cries* I’m never going to see Scott Steiner again, am I? *picks up phone* Hello? Oh, hi… hey, wait… listen… I had no idea this was going t…. honestly, it’s not my fault, I thought this was all going to be about Steiner toni… yes, I know your dad didn’t train him. Look, you want me to set up the feed and let you take it from here? I’m sure the readers would love it. Great. Gimme one sec… Got it. Distinguished guest, the floor is yours.  Hello Lethal readers. I appreciate that dirty screwing screwity screw Mike for EVENTUALLY answering the damn phone. I humbly apologize, Hit Man. Hey, before we get started I’ve wanted to ask you something for a couple of weeks now. There are rumors you’ve called Vince regularly ever since the accident. Any truth to those? They’re absolutely true. In fact, just this morning I called him a BROTHER MURDERING SCREWING FUCKHEAD!! So, no truth to them then? Not as yet… although as soon as I get off here I’m going to call to tell him what an idiot he is for not using “It’s Raining Men” as that poof’s music now that he has the rights. Now go wish YOUR country was about to legalize weed and let me do my thing. “I’m not your boy toy”. I know a few places on Sunset Strip that would take umbrage to that comment, manslut. Shawn says he “loved” his music and that anything bad in his mind went away when he “heard” it. So, this is actually old footage from back when he was retired. In Canada we have laws to protect us from that, as well as laws to protect us from practically anything else entertaining that happens on wrestling programming. He says he can’t really dance and that he’s only able to sing because of really good mixing on that song. They make sure to show footage of him standing in front of a “Double Jerk Jeff Jarrett” sign. Must’ve been accidental, Vince NEVER takes shots at anyone who leaves his company. He says that song means so much to him because no one has been there longer, start to finish, than him. Good thing losing your smile and phony back injuries that keep you out four years don’t break the streak or anything. He says he’ll never stop doing this because it’s the best time he can ever have. In other words, “I’m retiring again after the PPV, I just wanted to be on the show I screwed Bret Hart at one more time.” I’M ONTO YOUR GAME, FAG! That segment was over real quick. The Anthology CD is out Tuesday, and if you’re still using that demeaning graphic of me Mike… well, let Vince miss ONE GODDAMNED ROYALTY CHECK TO ME FOR THAT THING and he’ll see how “immobile” I am. Go screw a bag of screw, you screw. And to all the Hit Man fans, Cannuck love to the lot of you, eh. *feed shuts off* Wow, what an expected surprise. It seems for once he was the one who screwed me, since he left and stuck me with recapping this God-awful segment on a reality dating show with the stars of “Tough Enough”… fucking Canadians. So the stars of this show are on Tough Enough are going to be on “Blind Date”. Nidia says she’s never been on a blind date before. Maven says it should be fun. Chris plays horrible saxaphone, Jackie models underwear. I’ve never been so glad a show comes on in our market after I’ve gone to bed in my life. UP NEXT: Bubba plays golf. I swear I’m THIS FUCKING CLOSE… Commercials So the deal is that Bradshaw holds this charity golf tournament every year for the Make a Wish Foundation. “Awww, you’re last wish is an X-Box? Come here, I’ve got one right here in this shower stall.” Anyway, he’s hurt so others in the company took over. Bubba says he wants to show Bradshaw his swing, and then practices by 1-wooding the head off of a cardboard cut-out of him. He keeps the head with him all day. Then he starts actually golfing and is really not any good. I missed the first half of “She Spies” for this? When we come back… Divas show their tits to sell JR’s new cookbook… NO, FUCK THAT!! WHEN WE COME BACK SCOTT THE TERRORIST BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY GENETIC FREAK IS ON!! HOWEVER MANY SEGMENTS I HAVE TO FUCKING FAST-FORWARD PAST TO GET THERE IS IRRELEVANT!! Commercials *fast forward* Um… the show just ended. To repeat… THIS FUCKING GODDAMNED SHOW JUST ENDED WITHOUT ANY STEINER!! Instead we get the Jericho video. You rotten fuckers! I promise to post at least twice over the next week BEGGING every reader not to order the PPV out of protest. In other words, you just lost sixty bucks, buckos. INSANE CLOWN POSSE would never shit their fans like that. Fuck you, WWE. Barbwire Mike Seriously… if you were planning on buying SS, DON’T!) |