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 KOTR tonight, and this is the final show to convince folks to pre-order. Hell, once you’ve been reminded to also read THE RING POST and I humbly bow down before guys here who have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that we’re as good as if not better than any board there’s ever been over the last two weeks (remind me to put up FsB’s picture in the “employee of the week” frame)… I do believe we’re ready to jump right into things. OH NO WE’RE NOT! I almost forgot to mention the new features here. If you look at the menu bar you’ll see a few new buttons. Now “The K-Files” is coming soon so don’t bother asking until it does, but two new areas are already up for your viewing pleasure. The first is SPOTLIGHT section, where we break down the big news story of the week, and link you directly to all the posts discussing it (which is going to look just peachy on weeks there are three posts overall to pick from). The other is the one that now makes Lethal your ONE-STOP WRESTLING SITE!! FIST FARKING is your portal to the big news stories AS THEY HAPPEN (eventually… once it’s set up so several people can access it) from all over the ‘net. Also, the tag buttons will be more original shortly (send MMN or me ideas for clever ones). You HAVE to see New Jack shoot all over Rob Black like no one since King Mob, plus a comprehensive KOTR history from our friends at PHANTASMO. And of course THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS is our new forum where you can say “thanks for entertaining me” or “you suck” or “BRAZIL IS TAKING HOME THE WORLD CUP MAKKO FAKKO” or whatever. Speaking of forums, the new TOTAL REQUEST LETHAL is still suffering some unfortunate server problems but hopefully no longer will be by the time you read this. NOW we’re ready… OH WAIT!! Ha, kidding… here we go. WWE VELOCITY 6/22/02 OPENING GRAPHICS are… non-existent. Tape got started late as I was trying to line up beers for the IRON CHEF DRINKING GAME! If memory serves me correctly… I was ralphing by the second commercial break. Michael Cole welcomes us in and says that now “all is right in the world” because Al Snow is back. Oh really? So there’s no longer a July 4th Al Qaida threat? The fires in Colorado and Arizona are out? Elizabeth Smart has been found? Thanks for nearly sending us to Hell in a hand basket so you could catch up on your Soaps last week, Snow...you selfish bastard. It’s “Velocity”, and that means one thing: Randy Orton. He’s taking on… um… Harvard Chris? No, apparently even that is too big a name for us. Tonight’s opening match has OHIO VALLEY ULTRASTAR ROB CONWAY!! Now I’m pretty hip to the indy scene, so I know I speak for a lot of us when I say “who?” The two exchange some technical moves, nice sound stuff that probably would’ve gotten over in ECW. As the announcers shill tonight’s big show, they almost miss Conway springboarding off the ropes and fall to the ground in pain. We’re about a minute into the match. I SURE HOPE HE’S OK! *rolls eyes* Orton moves in but the ref pushes him away. He then calls for help from the back. This is SOOO gay. Like if some OVH guy hurt himself a half-minute into his match they’d really be showing it four days later. On live TV this might have worked, but… no, honestly it’d be just as stupid there. Also, this guy would never work again. Your foot falls OFF during your first TV match you keep going til there’s a finish. Refs and medical crew down. They help Conway up and Orton holds the ropes open for him. Suddenly Conway recovers and Maeda-kicks Randy in the face spilling him out to the floor. That took five minutes, and one shot to the nuts could’ve gotten the exact same level of heel heat. Conway beats the Hell out of Orton outside the ring then drags his carcass back in. Both announcers decide that the cheap shot was a good move on Conway’s part. Where’s JR’s righteous indignation when you need it? Oh yeah, it’s all over the new Ross Report. Orton fights his way back with his big dropkicks and the two exchange near falls. VERY nice move by Randy with an arm whip into a powerslam that almost ends it. These are sweet moves, but there isn’t SHIT for transition. One second the guy is nearly pinned, the next he’s pulling a power move of his own. Either they’ll learn this eventually or psychology is being phased out in the future (which means Rob Van Dam truly will be the biggest star of the next decade). Randy wins with a cross body off the top rope. He manages to do a tuck while in mid-air, which is pretty damn impressive. STILL TO COME: D-Von vs. Faarooq, plus THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP is back to turn objects sideways and sodomize folks with them. Commercials KING OF THE RING TONIGHT!! Call your cable or satellite provider, risk the webcast deciding to work, use your black box or listen in Scramblevision (like my Jew ass does). Jamie Noble says that when he wins he wins the cruiser belt at King of the Ring, he won’t have to go back to that trailer park and “look at those losers any longer”. Wait, isn’t trying to escape from the MHPs a face move? He says after KOTR that Hurricane and the rest of the world will know the name Jamie Noble. Nidia says she already knows that name. She also knows the name of the attending doctor at every free clinic on the coast. Chavo enters to his ethnic music. You almost have to feel for a guy who’s obviously missing the days when he talked to a horse head on a stick. Speaking of tendencies to feel guys, his opponent is Albert. I have tendencies too, those are to fast forward through Albert matches. Good time to act upon them. Chavo wins, I think after an exposed turnbuckle Albert meant to use as a weapon went against him. I should say “screw this” and recap the “Mr. Show” DVDs. STILL TO COME: Rock thinks mens’ asses taste like candy. Commercials EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS REWIND: Angle hits UT with a chair while trying to attack HHH. Vince gets told that he’s booking a UT/Angle match for later in SmackDown. Vince explains to the Dead Man that no one tells him what to do, so he’ll do it (there’s those grapefruits he’s famous for). Vince tells Kurt and Stacy asks if he’s afraid of Taker, to which Angle responds. “No way, when I look across the ring all I’m going to see is a hundred year old man.” Yeah, that’s what I see too, medal boy. Oh, then he continues “…with bleach blonde hair and red and yellow.” Sorry, sometimes I get confused which geezer they’re talking about. Kurt says he’ll break Taker’s ankle like he’s going to do Sunday to Hogan. I’d think if you were going after either of their bones, the hip would be the obvious target. So Vince tries to make them shake hands, and both refuse. Taker calls Kurt “cue ball” and they go at it, with McMahon helplessly in between them. Order is eventually restored and we go to the ring. UT rolls Angle into the ring and gives him the big boot. The champ goes for a chokeslam but Kurt reverses it into a rollover and then the Ankle Lock. Taker screams in pain, then strengthens out of it. He’s about to take Angle out when Triple H comes to ringside. Undertaker limps for about two seconds to sell the most painful submission in the business but at least gets pinned while not paying attention. Post match: Triple H and Taker go at it outside the ring. Hogan comes down and puts Angle into the Ankle Lock. UT makes the save with a boot to Hogan who then delivers a chokeslam. Finally Hunter pedigrees the World Champ is the only man standing in the ring. As a reminder, those four are each involved in the main events tonight against each other. Hogan cuts a promo where he says he doesn’t have anything going for him to make him a main-eventer except the Hulkamaniacs. That’s the closest to a shoot you’ll ever get out of that guy. Commercials Eggzellent, Tajiri coming down. Pretty hard to fuck up a match with him. His opponent is Hugh Morris. Apparently my last comment was taken as a challenge. Snow and Cole drool over the notion of the upcoming (and I DO MEAN UP-COMING) Diva’s Strip-a-Thon for Ratings coming up on Tuesday. Thankfully we’re “inside” here at Lethal so we have the FIRST EXCLUSIVE PHOTO of the winner!!  Back to live action, Hugh gets a stinging kick to his thigh and gives the “you got one coming, Sonyboy” look of death about it. I had an interview like three years ago where Hugh was supposed to be retiring because he was all retarded in the head. I’m not asking if he “got better” because that’s obviously not the case, but that seems to be a story that just went away. Tajri rules, there’s no two ways about it. I’m starting a wrestling fed and can choose any five wrestlers in the world to start out with he’s on that list. Hugh presses him, but Tajiri gets away and goes back to the leg. Tarantula. Tajiri goes for a crucifix but Hugh doesn’t go down and smashes him. Hugh to the top rope, BIG ELBOW! Only gets a two count. If THAT wasn’t the finish, Hugh doesn’t have a prayer. He goes top rope again but misses the moonsault, Tajiri does the same but lands on his feet, kicks the leg out again, then temple kick for the win. Up next, Rock smells cooking. Commercials. TONIGHT ON CONFIDENTIAL! DDP retires. If you’re a fan of this guy (or racist like Sayeitan and just dig him because he’s Jewish) you may want to stop reading after Velocity ends. Neurotica sings the KOTR song, continuing a long and proud tradition of shitty “nu metal” themes. Triple H says he’s going to take from Taker what Taker took from him (and exactly how much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck?). “Dead man walking… you’re damn right”. PLEASE win, Hunter… oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! Hurricane says the mask doesn’t make the Hurricane, he’s always the Hurricane, and he’ll still be the CW champion after tonight. Plus Noble will still have Nidia either way, so regardless Hurricane is still the real winner. Rock is in the ring from Raw. He says we all know he wasn’t supposed to return until next month. Actually, I didn’t think he was returning until Mania but that’s neither here nor there. He says he’s still committed to being the best ever in this business and that the fire that burns in his eyes is also in the eyes of every single guy in the dressing room. He says this is especially true of Rob Van Dam, who’s “eyes have so much burning red fire in them he can barely keep them open”. Rock says everyone is here because they want to be and if anyone isn’t happy to please feel free to leave the company right now. Raven, Guerrero, Malenko, and Benoit all stand up out of habit, then remember where they are… then Raven stands up again. Rock says he’s upping his plans and returning at the PPV because he’s got the WWE in his blood, that he was born WWE and has always lived WWE. And when he’s wearing the people’s dentures, and walking down to ringside with the people’s cane, and is shitting in the people’s “Depends”, he’ll still be saying “just bring it”. Then he mentions his grandfather and his dad and that Austin can take his ball and go home, but to the Rock “this IS home”. Main event time next. KICK ASS, it’s 4:20. Commercials SNICKERS REWIND: Faarooq beats D-Von two weeks ago. D-Von comes down to testify. Everyone involved in this gimmick is going to Hell, just so you know. D-Von says it’s hard to forgive in this world, and it’s going to be hard for him to forgive himself for what he’s about to do to Faarooq. Then from the speakers “I’ll be DAMNED!” Cheez, if Jesus returned to earth right now, turned on TV and that was the first thing he saw he’d probably start shoving the nails back in himself. Faarooq comes down and starts hammering on the Deacon. His collar has been ripped already. Simmons gets thrown out and Batista gives a little “private ministering” of his own. D-Von looks to the sky for strength. *Sigh*, at least he’s not molesting children yet. D-Von uses the ropes for leverage and Snow asks if there’s a commandment against that. Yeah, Al… right under “thou shalt not claim fully-grown adults as my children to the point of physical sickness”. D-Von gives Simmons last rites and goes to the top rope but misses a headbutt. Faarooq avoids a double team but the ref is laid out. Batista comes in and gives a brutal slam… the ref recovers and D-Von praises the Lord. If that means we’re finally halfway through this fucking chore, I’m falling to my knees to join him. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 6/22/02 OPENING GRAPHICS: Tonight a child with really long legs is shown all dolled up, and we’re supposed to guess who she is. Um… Jon Benet? Plus, DDP’s career is at a crossroads. He says it was tough to admit he’d have to walk away because it was tough. I’m not one to belittle career-ending injuries, but I doubt seriously it was any harder than having to sit through his Leno and Malone matches. Gene Okerlund hasn’t had a career-ending injury yet, and for that I have to wonder why none of you can ever be bothered to take any initiative in speeding that along. He says we’re still recovering from the bomb last week (hey, real sensitive to our middle-eastern viewers, you anti-Semite). Geno gives the background, how at the “unheard of age of 32” he decided to become a wrestler, and bounced around in the minors before his good friend Eric Bischoff gave him a shot in WCW. “As incredible as it sounds, he became the three time (repeat 3x) champion.” Give us a break, Gene. You worked there, you know as well as anyone what being Uncle Eric’s buddy can grant anyone. “When WCW was bought out by World Wrestling Entertainment, Page was one of the few stars signed to WWE”. Fuck you, Gene… I just sat through a Hugh Morris match. Don’t try and sell that as any great accomplishment. At the age of 45 he finally realized his dream of becoming a WWE superstar, but then with the “suddenness of his finisher, the diamond cutter… BANG!” (uuuuuhh… he performs the sign of the cutter. I’m going to be ill) his career was in the balance. “But like we’ve heard so many times this week, when one door closes… another one opens.” If ratings don’t pick up, that may be the best way to spin “Smackdown” being moved from UPN to “E!”. DDP starts by telling about the injury that caused it, a match with Hardcore Holly back in April. He lands bad and immediately thinks his neck is broken. It is a pretty sick spot. They show him talking to Dr. Youngblood, and say that since he’s working with Benoit, Rhyno, and Lita he’s got a proven track record. How so? Are ANY of them working matches yet? He said he was warned it could be the big one that ends things, but he’d heard that before so he was thinking he’d just work around it. Then when he was told that they’d cancel his insurance if he did, he knew it was really time to hang up the boots. He says the first guy that called him was Kevin Nash, probably to see if his injury could be used as an excuse to not work for a year. He shows his AWA tryout tapes, and how Jesse Ventura inspired him to try and get into the business as a manager. Now I have NEVER liked DDP the wrestler but Diamond Dallas Page… manager of B…A… GOOD GOD DOUBLE D COMPANY… was one of my favorite talents in the business as a fledgling fan. But he didn’t really want to be a manager, he wanted to wrestle. So he started going to the WCW Power Plant, and working out with Kanyon and Kidman and all the kids. “I feed off of young people”, he explains. I can think of at least one WWE announcer who could say the same thing. Hulk Hogan credits him for all he’s accomplished this late in his life. Well, if there’s ANYONE who’s gonna be able to relate to that… They show him being recruited by the nWo, and his first run into the crowd after he DCs Hall (they cut before seeing what happened to Nash… bet he blew the spot). He wins the belt for the first time in some four way thingy I don’t remember, and William Regal says he rose through the ranks quicker than anyone he can remember. In fact, he shot through the ranks quicker than Eric shot into Kimberly out of “gratitude”. Shockingly, they cut right past the whole “feud over the Booty Babe” that made him “quit” wrestling and turned him into a street bum. THAT was seminal stuff. Then he tells the story of going to a Jazz game and how Karl Malone made the sign of the Cutter to him, and how he went to Eric and said “I have a great idea…”. Monday someone said those same words and followed them with “let’s re-hire Vince Russo”. Needless to say we get almost no clips of the actual match, since most shots allowed you to see a drunken Dennis Rodman. Then we see Eric and Hogan holding the Tonight Show hostage (and if you remember Bischoff’s show, you know that EVEN LENO was comparatively entertaining) and DDP coming to the rescue. Wow, seeing angles like that… it’s just confounding why they didn’t become #1 again. Wait, did I say “confounding”? What I meant was “INCREDIBLY FUCKING OBVIOUS”! As Page laughs at Leno’s appearance we see highlights from Sturgiss. Comparatively speaking, they showed the entire Malone match in relation to this one. One God Awful Leno punch to Eric and it’s done. Tony says, “We’re having fun, I hope you are too”. It’s sad how long that sums up the entire policy for that company (not to mention how it seems to be again for WWE). He says that as great as everything was, of course he really wanted to be in the WWF (fucking hippy). I must admit, when he unmasked as the stalker I was pretty floored. I just noticed that AT NO TIME does he ever mention he was “The People’s Champion”. Nash says he finally got to live his dream. Now Page says he has to step away from it because he wasn’t ready to leave. To be honest, I wasn’t either Diamond. Then you reminded me about Jay and Karl and you’re back on my shit list. Plus we didn’t even get to see Kimberly in a bikini. Don’t let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out, hillbilly. Awww, I can’t stay mad at the man who managed Tanaka and Diamond to such greatness. Good luck in the future Mr. Falkenburg (now apologize for Malone and Leno you fuck). When we come back, Stacy being groomed for her show business career. Looks like her parents always wanted big things for her. Today they tell friends “hey, at least she’s not doing porno.” Commercials Gene’s holding a tape measure. Dude, I don’t care if you’re Hank Kingsley, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT!! Oh, he’s showing how long Stacy’s legs are. He asks what he can say about Mr. McMahon’s assistant that won’t get him fired. Um… you can say “Vince is a dirty sot with AIDS so she should come here and swallow my other bald head”. I PROMISE you’ll be promoted post haste, Gene Mean. They show her as a kid talking about all the beauty contests she’s won, and her dancing and stuff. This is so riveting I can’t stand it. No really, I can’t stand it. It’s gone. Heh, real quick… she’s shown as Miss Hancock and bringing her baby carriage down to the ring (if you recall, the “baby” wound up being snapshots of Sean Staziak). That they could hire Vince THE SAME WEEK that footage played on a company editing machine is simply stunning. UP NEXT: William Regal plays with his reptiles. Commercials Gene talks about the different types of things people collect. For instance, he says he’s famous for his collection of a certain magazine, and “you know what I’m talking about”. There’s just too many ways to go with that one. William Regal, however… collects reptiles. Snakes, turtles, lizards. They are very cool. He laughs as he tells the story of his iguana trying to rape his wife’s hair. Regal is the man. He loads a bowl with dead mice and prepares to eat them. One of the lizards does. I was hoping those weren’t for the snake, since frozen mice keeps their aggressions bottled up until you try to stick your hand in there. Plus it’s much more fun to watch a live rat pay the price. My snake rules. Why does he like reptiles so much? Because “human beings disgust me. Horrible creatures. You’re better off with a lizard.” Someone put the belt on this guy. Gene asks which we like better, Britney or Madonna. Well, I may question Miss Spear’s virginity but at least you could probably go down on her without hearing an echo so I’ll go with the former. Now what does that have to do with jack shit? Oh, the REAL question is “who has the better five star frogsplash?” For that, we will go directly to the source. RVD talks about how close to flying it is, and Eddy says he tries every time to go a little bit higher. Rob says that means it’s going to hurt a little bit more when he lands. Eddy says he likes that feeling. Heh, Rob’s got that “fire in his eyes” Rock was talking about earlier. RVD says his is better because he goes higher and because he’s the most gifted athlete in the world. Eddy says his is the original and everything else is simply a copy. They then admit to the subtle differences, that Eddy’s is more high impact but Rob’s looks better. They both break character and talk about how well they work in the ring together. We see the ladder match that was fucking AWESOME! They talk about the sunset slam spot that was so freakin’ dangerous. And Rob laughs at dingus from the crowd that ran in and Eddy isn’t ashamed that he decked him. Both are upset the match wasn’t more spectacular. Rob says they both know they can out-do that match, and one day will. STILL TO COME: We haven’t drained all the publicity out of the Stone Cold thing we can yet, so stay tuned. SNICKERS REWIND: Eddy gives a five star frogsplash to RVD. Commercials Lita was at THE WORLD on Monday, so we’re going to have a segment about her. If you are confused about why I’m skipping this, re-read the “Albert Rule” many pages ago. Last week on Confidential, “Steve Williams walked out the proverbial door”. It just dawned on me the dilemma JR has when he sets up his speed dial. Gene says Austin redefined the business, and that he’d know since when he was at WCW Austin was the main reason they were getting their butts kicked in the ratings. Uh huh, like that time Tony Schiovane said “Steve Austin is winning the belt tonight, THAT will put butts in the seats”. Gene says that in the days of tabloid television it’s easy to jump to conclusions, but when it comes to Austin, Vince said it best on RAW (what an kiss ass). So now we’re at RAW. Vince says thank you for everything Austin did for the company than drinks a beer to him. Hey, if it makes a convenient excuse that’s why I’m drinking one right now too. Why I’m using it chase down Jager shots is something between only me and Steve. UP NEXT: More DDP. The PPV starts in 12 minutes. I’m such a slackass. Commercials Gene discusses DDP’s white trash existence. Then DDP talks about his learning disorders. It’s inspirational, it’s heart wrenching. It’s HEY THERES KIMBERLY AND CLEAVAGE!! The long and short of it is that he went from not being able to read to being able to write really horrible books. When we come back, wrestler’s prom stories. The ONLY reason they put stuff like this in here is to get back at the people who make fun of them in recaps, don’t let them tell you otherwise. Commercials Gene says “everyone has a prom story”. But that… … mmmm, prom story. Be right back. … … … *lights cigarette* Where were we? Oh Good God, right. You… you REALLY don’t me to recap this. It’s so bad it defies description. At least all the Divas are scantily clad so it’s not PAINFUL to watch. But without the visual… you don’t even want to know. Gene closes by wishing Jesse the best in whatever he’s going to do now that he’s going to avoid getting thrashed in an election, and I’m sure is salivating at the opportunity to get him on this show. Oh yeah, I’d look VERY forward to that one as well. Next week “Behind the Scenes” of the “Thong-a-Thon” thingy. I’m not GUARANTEEING taking the week off, but don’t hold your damn breath. Time for the PPV. Barbwire Mike The recapper your mama warned you about |