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 (more than) A few notes: Today’s banner comes from Lethal’s own SHAUN. Many thanks, dude… so many that just for today I’m going to put a moratorium on Canada bashing. No wait, maybe I should do something easier, like naming my kid after him or spray-painting “Shaun” on the dome of the White House. Either way, thanks again bro. THE RING POST has had a very busy weekend. Twitmare has part 2 of his “Great Panda Hunt” up, former “Impaler” stand-out Saruchizu recaps the July 4th SmackDown (probably out of spite for the holiday… those Limeys have long memories about losing), and TOM ZENK gives a first look at his book, something I KNOW most of you folks are going to love. The review at the top says it all: "Victims suck. Being a victim only sells on Oprah. Zenk’s book is not Oprah.” This one’s going to piss a lot of people off. “IT” finally has a home and an official name. LETHAL INJECTION brings you the first step of “WWF Dumb Enough”, one of the funniest Internet pranks you’re ever likely to see (note to Chuck: OLP > MGB). The first bit is up already, and I promise you the updates are something some of you will remember out of the blue 10 years from now and start giggling. The bulk of the credit on this one goes to friend of all things Lethal, “Sabotage”, who was at his inspired best with this. As a reminder; we do no outside advertising and have been blacklisted by 99% of the Internet wrestling community (and won’t rest until we capture that other one percent) so it’s up to you to spread the word of Lethal. Tell your friends, shill us on forums far and wide, take signs to shows, vandalize city busses… PUT YOURSELF ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THE REVOLUTION (FIST FARKING alone is a selling point for most lazy net folk). Props to Kev for getting the archives set up, at least the ones since “you know”. Let me know if we have to re-do the posts individually to get the full archives up again, bruddah… I’ll do the grunt-work this time if so. Entertainment this weekend provided by “The PowerPuff Girls Movie”, “Gravity” by Our Lady Peace, and our fine friends at Budweiser and Jagermeister with special props to God for the weed (oh yeah, and for His glory and all that other stuff too). Let’s do some recapping. WWE VELOCITY 7/6/02 (WRITER’S NOTE: “Confidential” was a repeat this week due to the holiday, therefore it will not be recapped. THANK YOU VINCE!) OPENING GRAPHICS!! PYRO!! STUPID PEOPLE YELLING!! It must be “VELOCITY” time (or RAW or SmackDown or HEAT or ‘N Stynk time). I SWEAR TO GOD a dude just held up a sign that says “I love Matt Hardy”. Way to cement the intended demographic with those guys. Many other signs whip by the camera too fast to read, so I’ll just assume at least two said “BwM is my hero”. Michael Cole is there with Snow… damnit. Every week I TRY to like him, for he really used to be cool and funny. But he’s gone two sentences and I’m already praying for the Tazz run-in. Tonight Noble vs. Hurricane in a rematch of whatever PPV was just on. Tajiri music plays. I just hit “pause” to type that and could hear my roommate watching Godzilla in the other room. Trust me, if you’d been there and high it would’ve been funny. Cole tells Al that while he’s been gone controversy explodes over all over the WWE and Snow has some ‘splaining to do. Snow admits that there’s a ton of controversy with the titles and who is joining what group but reminds everyone he’s way too irrelevant to have anything to do with any of it. He’s taking on Billy Kidman. In more ways than one, I think we’ve just found our new RVD/Jerry Lynn feud. Cole explains that Tajiri is dangerous because he’s been winning a lot recently (hmmmm… hadn’t thought about it, but he’s right. Cool!) and because he blames Billy Boy for Torrie leaving him for a MTV cripple. *sigh* The match starts with three gorgeous cruiser spots and the announcers are talking about the ‘Taker/Angle match. It’s official, WWE has become WCW. Snow is able to deflect the comparison for at least one millisecond by pointing out a plancha that’s really a plancha and not a tope or a stepover toe hold. OH MY GOD! They’re on the floor, and Tajiri just launched Kidman over his head onto the stairs. That was SWEET! Back in the ring Billy falls victim to the Tarantula while Cole and Snow discuss how it takes three seconds to pin someone but only one to submit. NICE insaguri from the American, and follows it up with some moves off the ropes. Tajiri goes for the handspring elbow but powerbombed instead for a two-count. Kidman climbs the ropes, and Tajiri pushes the ref out of position before shooting out the blinding mist. It’s all academic after that. STILL TO COME: The SmackDown silliness. Commercials THE PEOPLE’S MOMENT: Rock humiliates a cameraman prior to Royal Rumble. That was pretty funny. When the hell did this segment start? ROCK returns to SmackDown this Thursday. Oh well, ask a stupid question… Hardcore Holly makes his way to the squared circle to take on Chavo. Cole tells Al this should be interesting for him since they both were Tough Enough 2 trainers. So if the contestants are his children, does that make these two guys his cousins? That’s just what Chavo needs… MORE family. Match starts with Chavo brushing away his hand and then getting slapped. To the corner, where Hardcore takes a SOLID boot to the face. Chavo pauses before moving in. Poor kid… the LAST thing you want to do is work a whole match wondering which shot will be the one Bob fucking Holly “owes” you (heh, it’s coming too… you can see Guerrero apprehensively setting up every spot). Chavo gives some chest shots and then stomps Bob down. Holly recovers and starts delivering the pain. He then delivers one of his purty drop kicks. Chavo gets in position to take the Alabama Slam but Chavo grabs the ropes. For his troubles he gets kicked in the nuts. He tries again but gets rolled over for a near fall. Chavo goes for a rana but Bob finally gets his finisher on. This one is in the books. Commercials EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS FLASHBACK: Hogan and Edge win the World Tag belts, which Cole says is “fitting” on the Forth of July. How a washed-up caricature and a Canadian is supposed to make me want to wave the flag escapes me at the moment. Man, I have that rule about not recapping Albert matches… but then again we’ve already cut at least half the show out of this. Maybe just this once… His opponent is Rob Conway. Oh well, maybe next Independence Day. THE PEOPLE’S MOMENT: Rock has Vince ready to kiss Trish’s ass, but instead tastes Rikishi’s. It’s like St. Peter going “come on in” just before opening a trap door under your feet. Commercials THE ATT REWIND: The old Kliq hugs Triple H at KOTR. If you really think he’s just walking in and joining them tomorrow you haven’t ever paid attention to this business. Monday on RAW Shawn tells the crowd the nWo isn’t the same when one of its members is missing (well, if Hall knew the difference between being awake and being sober there’d be nothing to whine about, would there?). He says the next member to join will be Hunter, and then they all do that kliq handshake thingy that I have to assume they were the first straight people in the history of the world to do. Mark Henry is about to wrestle. Sure wish his opponent was Albert. Oh, he’s taking on Christian, obviously in an effort to make even me pull against the US in this whole “Team Canada 2” hoopla. Jesus, even if TEST was in there I’d be hard-pressed to cheer for this doofus. Snow making the world’s lamest jokes about their currency doesn’t help matters. Henry lifts up Christian and puts him softly on the ropes. This pisses him off so he charges, and what you’d expect to happen when a middleweight runs into a super heavyweight. Christian gets tossed around the ring like a rag doll named “Spike Dudley” until he relies on the low blow to gain an advantage. Two count after a body press but then gets tossed over the ref on the kick out. Christian gets sent HIGH in the air for a near count, then gets crushed in the ropes. Christian is caught as he tries to leave the ring but the ref doesn’t see the chair that he swings over his head into Henry’s skull. A three count and it’s over. One chair shot? Mark sure as hell doesn’t have the “World’s hardest head”. So the strongest man in our country has now lost to Lance Storm and Christian. I can’t wait until we start up the “Team Mexico” group so he can lay down to Rey Rey. STILL TO COME: Rednecks, comic geeks, and bitches. Sounds like some forums I know. Commercials. Shill for the Neurotica CD… I need to hear some more of these guys, because folks SWEAR to me that not everything sounds as “nu metal gay” as “Ride of Your Life”. The controversy was “swilling” (I think he meant “swirling”… considering the shit he’s rolling in a pig sty Freudian slip is understandable) this Thursday according to Cole. Snow says he’s never seen an ending of a match like this. Me either… at least not since they “liberated” the book from Dusty Rhodes. Angle puts the lock on UT, who screams in pain. Taker finally breaks it and gets a choke slam, but can’t capitalize on it because for the first time since the 80s he sells an injury for more than 3 seconds. Of course, he still can’t sell it for 10 and follows it up with a “Last Ride” that he holds up Kurt for without favoring either leg at all. Kurt turns it into a choke, and the two go down. As Taker taps for the first time in his career (they need to say “he submitted for the first time in his career”, since no one tapped before Shamrock and Abbot started working this business) Angle gets counted out. All the things they could be working on improving creatively and they work on ways to jazz up the Broadway finish? To make things even worse they raise Kurt’s hand then raise Taker’s too after the crowd popped for the title change. What drama… what pathos… what a load. Main event time next. Commercials They replay the vignette from SD where Jamie celebrates his title win by buying a truck and Nidia a new doublewide trailer. Folks, unless you live in an area that has trailer parks you have NO IDEA how realistic that segment was. I just relived every kegger I ever attended in Red Bank: “Shit, girl… I just got promoted to 3rd shift assistant manager at UPS. No more rentin’… we can BUY OUR OWN LOT NOW!” “Oh baby… I’m so happy. I’m sorry I got mad at you for beating me up yesterday. Let’s have another kid.” Meeeeeeemories. Of course the funniest part of all is that this is that how most non-wrestling fans see every one of us. Nidia whores her way down to the ring followed by her man. Snow says that since winning the belt Jamie is living “high on the hog”. Is there any other safe way to ball Nidia? BIG pop for Hurricane as his music hits. He’s attacked coming in and takes a few powershots before recovering. Helms does a sweet flying version of Tajiri’s face kick for a near fall but Nidia distracts the ref. Jamie recovers and starts working over Jamie’s leg, including some very painful looking stretches. The announcers tell us that by weakening the leg it makes the “Trailer Hitch” easier to apply. Then they joke that if he loses they may repo the wheels on his trailer. That’s a MOTOR HOME, jackasses. With that kind of knowledge of the south it’s no wonder everyone thinks we really live like “Dukes Of Hazzard”. Sunset flip nearly surprises Jamie but it’s short-lived. Desperation neckbreaker also does some damage. He does a NICE variation of blockbuster off the second rope but again it’s not enough. Jamie tossed outside, and as he tries to come in he’s met with a suplex, but Nidia grabs the leg then tries to hold it ala Bobby Heenan but Hurricane barely escapes. He tries for the choke slam but like Taker his leg can’t support it, and is an easy victim of the Trailer Hitch. He makes one attempt at the ropes before tapping. Jamie and Nidia slap each other’s tonsils around and we’re out of here. Two really good cruiser matches and no Confidential to sift through? Damn right I’m happy with the show. I’m off to work on the tranny of that Trans-Am up on blocks in my front yard. Go fuck yourselves, y’all. Barbwire Mike I’m not your boy toy |