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 …BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Just finishing laughing about the Nash thing. After four straight days, I think it’s finally out of my system. Oops, nope… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ”Most people don’t like those Juggalos They can take deez nuts and juggle those” -ONE WEEK AND COUNTING!! Look for the Maddy/BwM dual report after the event. As I go on vacation, so does Tom Zenk… so don’t look for a column this weekend at THE RING POST. However, I’m going to try my damnedest to squeeze out a LOW BLOW before heading to Peoria, and the rest of the gang (new one from Annie today) will keep things rocking in the meantime. Uncle Zeke… LETHAL INJECTION… banner… titties… many thanks. Bitch, you know what time it is. Yesterday, it was reported that the next issue of “RAW Magazine” will be dedicated to the burial of Stone Cold Steve Austin (you can find the link to the article in our FIST FARKING section). The buzz is that Vince still has quite the bug up his ass and this is his way of saying that Austin will never return to the WWE. While most Internet sites have staff with “sources” that can confirm this, only Lethal has pictures of most of the front office in compromising positions with Pat Patterson and various species of farm animals. So fuck all those “reporters”; they can speculate on what’s going to be in there until they’re able to fly on SouthWest airlines with a single ticket… WE HAVE THE ARTICLE!! And despite the threat of lawsuits by Vince McMahon (or more likely DeMarco pretending to be him in between salad tossings) we now present it to you, the Lethal Wrestling reader. Enjoy, and remember the first “W” in WWE stands for “doubly unbiased”. With the crowd roars filtering into the backstage area, Chris Jericho laces up his boots for tonight’s big match. Jericho is known as a “consummate professional”, which means that he’s never metaphorically urinated in the face of his employers, co-workers and Jesus Christ by walking out hours before a show and taking food out of the mouths of every person who ever loved or trusted him. Y2J stares forlornly at a locker on the other side of the room. “That’s Austin’s locker”, he says. “Even now it’s impossible to go by it without feeling a little chill. Most of us will walk all the way around the room rather than pass it. It’s creepy.” Creepy barely scratches the surface, especially considering they’re in a different locker room every night and that Steve had his own dressing room even when he was still with the company, but that’s the wrestling business for you. Chris’s next statement is tinged with the anger, hurt, and sense of loss that is prevalent among “the boys” these days. “What Steve did was inexcusable. Hell, right now I think he’s even lower than me… and I’m Canadian.” Ouch! Strong words from the former World Champ. But as you’ll see… he’s not the only one feeling betrayed nowadays. The Chairman’s office of WWE Towers is different since “it” happened. In happier times, one could expect to see the owner of the world’s most successful wrestling company gleefully asking Droz to vomit into a trash can or masturbating on the WCW belt. Today, however… Vincent Kennedy McMahon seems to simply be going through the motions. “It’s hard”, muses the big boss. “I mean, we still do all the charity work. I still go to children’s hospitals and read them ‘Curious George’ books… but it’s not the same.” Vince looks over at the awards on the far wall, with “Humanitarian of the Year” certificates from groups throughout the globe. Quickly sidestepping questions about why they all look like they were made with an outdated “PrintShop” program, the discussion moves back to Stone Cold. “Austin stabbed me in the back, he stabbed the company in the back, he stabbed Viacom in the back, and he stabbed every single wrestler working here in the back. He also stabbed Debra in the arm... although that’s being suppressed since she’s not pressing charges.” Vince arches his shoulders and continues, “He didn’t care about anyone but himself. He put his own selfish interests ahead of the rest of the company, and wouldn’t follow time-honored traditions. I’m sorry to hear about his bike wreck, but let’s face it… he screwed himself.” “That’s Bret, Vince” chimes Jim Ross. “Quiet, you” Vince bellows, and JR returns to his floor-buffing duties while mumbling about being McMahon’s “pet coon”. “I would like to think I’m a kind-hearted man. In fact if you ask everyone around here they’ll tell you I’m the most even-handed person they’ve ever worked for. And if they don’t, I want to know about it… got that, word geek? “But I’m not sure I can find it in my heart to forgive Steve for this. I thought we were tight. I thought he cared about this company as much as the rest of us. Instead, just because I was having him job to a rookie and putting all the emphasis on the guys he was single-handedly responsible for bringing the viewers back to us over, he pulls something like this. I’ve never seen such a case of unwarranted spite. That reminds me, I need to make sure the truck full of cow manure I ordered was dumped on his driveway this morning.” Vince then pushes a button that triggers the trap door that sends me on a free-fall of about two stories, his way of saying the interview is over. Everyone should be so lucky to have such a man paying their salary. After taking a few days to heal, I return to the WWE locker room. Not surprisingly, almost everyone has an opinion on what has been dubbed “SaysomethingniceaboutAustinandjobtoCrashHollyforthenextwoyearsGate”: The Rock: The Rock says this… The Rock doesn’t like roody poo candy asses that take revenue out of The Rock’s pocket. The Rock thinks that anyone that would do such a thing to The Rock is a three-hundred pound bag of monkey crap. The Rock has no patience for those who put their own self interests ahead of the rest of the team. Now excuse The Rock, because The Rock has to go get ready for his “Entertainment Tonight” interview and then leave for six months to make another movie starring The Rock. Triple H: I’m glad to see him gone really. What kind of message does it send to the younger fans to see someone so obviously drunk on WWE programming? Sometimes people forget we have impressionable children watching, and there’s no need for us to be filling their minds with the idea that intoxicants have anything to do with making you a star. Incidentally, you wouldn’t happen to have a tube of “Oxy 10 for backs” in your briefcase, would you?” Kurt Angle: Good riddance! I’m not usually one to swear, but I couldn’t stand to hear “What?” one more time without killing somebody. WHAT?? WHAT?? WHAT?? MIRACLE EAR, MOTHER FUCKER!! Undertaker: Awesome. One less guy I have to convince everyone I should have the belt instead of. Kevin Nash: *message on answering machine* “Hi, this is Big Sexy. I’m either not home or away from the phone or would rather not have to stretch across the desk to answer. If you’re calling about the party Monday be aware there will be a dance contest and anyone who’s been here before knows I’m impossible to beat. And if you’re calling from the WWE, then ‘OW OW OW MY LEG!” Hulk Hogan: It would’ve been a huge loss to the company. Fortunately Vince had the forethought to hire me and keep the fans completely fired up about the product. Hey, wait… why am I talking to you? You’re not a love sponge. Chris Benoit: (Editor’s note: Unfortunately the tape recorder fell asleep during his answer, making it impossible to transcribe over all the electronic snoring) Rhyno: I still have a job? SWEET! Raven: I find it abhorrent that someone would walk out of a company just because they have a problem with the direction or their bosse… er… um… nevermind. Scotty 2 Hotty: It’s a real shame he’s gone. I especially miss his bald head, which reminded me of a big penis. I also miss him holding up his middle finger, which reminded me of a smaller penis. And the way he’d drink beer, which reminded me of swallowing delicious penis. Bradshaw: Texans aren’t quitters, damnit. That yellow coward has given the entire citizenry of Texas a black eye with that crap. And if you’ll follow me over to the shower I’ll be happy to give you a more thorough answer. X Pac: GOD I suck. That’s the question that has replaced “What?” as the big Q with Austin. Obviously we tried to get in touch with him to give his side of the story, but since he didn’t respond to my repeated attempts to reach him by yelling out the window of my Minneapolis apartment we’re going to piece the story together as best and honestly as we can. While it’s never been made public, Steve Austin is gay. In fact, he’s VERY gay. Not only is he gay, but his preference leans towards semi-retarded crippled black children. As sad as it is… all the rumors you may have heard about his unhappiness with the direction of the company, with being usurped from the spot he saved the company to earn, or disappointment with new hirees were nothing but smoke screens (one that the WWE is admittedly guilty of propagating). Our hope was to protect Steve from the bad press, and also to save Debra from the embarrassment this is going to cause, but the undeniable truth is that Steve Austin left RAW on the fateful Monday night because there was a new “Ronald McDonald House” opening in his hometown. Jim Ross has now confirmed to us that the only words he said via cell phone as he boarded the plane were “mmmmm, fresh chicken.” While Steve has burned his bridge with the WWE, that doesn’t mean we wish him anything but the best. Please seek help, Mr. Austin… if not for yourself, then do it for the children. We all know you can beat this. Back in the dressing room, Chris Jericho gives one last look to the abandoned locker. As he makes his way towards the door I say “pardon me, but which Darren made the better husband on BeWitched?” Without missing a beat, Chris says those four letters that once meant so much to WWE fans worldwide: “What?” “What?” indeed, Chris… “What?” indeed. Barbwire Mike Always happy to see unbiased journalism at its finest |