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 Just a couple of things and we’re off: I mentioned the impending return of one of the legends of Lethal last post. Stay tuned, hopefully we’re mere days away from yet ANOTHER one, with even more possibly on the horizon. Also, thanks to the staff for re-assuring me that despite the doldrums the business is in right now, that’s no reason to panic and move away from the genre we absolutely OWN! And does Sheep rock or what? THE RING POST continues to grow by leaps and bounds, and it really only takes a single click over to it to see why. The new writers are great, the new look and features can keep you occupied for hours, and as always look for new GINGER any time now (don’t forget, Zenk’s on vacation for a couple of weeks). And if you’ve been wracking your brain trying to find a transcript of the big Roddy Piper webcast this weekend, my homey Kenny (“The Coyote”) from our good friends at PLANET WCW has painstakingly gone through it, and we’ll have it up before the end of the night (it’s totally without bias… which is why it’s probably a good thing that someone besides me did it). By the end of the night I’ll ALSO be a member of HONKY TONK MAN’S website again (just realized you can join via 900 # and online check now). Just need to make sure it’s still cool with him and you’ll once again be privvy to commentary the rest of us could only dream of having the credibility to deliver. I KEEP FORGETTING TO MENTION THIS BECAUSE I’M STUPID! EXPLICIT LIVES AGAIN! It’s probably going to take a little bit to really get rolling again, but it’s sort of comforting to see one of the great addresses in wrestling live again. Best of luck, Adam. Anything I can do, you know where to reach me. Let’s mosh. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 12/7/02 OK, so I set my VCR and go out to enjoy a few frosty cold ones with some friends. I get back about 10:20 AND THE FUCKING THING ISN’T RECORDING!! Man, I was pissed. So instead of getting to skip the weekly Albert match (more on that further down the page), this week you miss the recap of Crash v. Shannon Moore and the hip-hop showdown between White Boy Roy and MC Lard Ass from Smackdown. Suddenly I’m not as upset at my lack of electronics prowess anymore. As the tape begins we have John Cena taking on newcomer Paul London. Suddenly I’m upset I’m too paranoid right now to risk drinking and driving (uuum… I mean THAT’S WRONG KIDS!! DON’T DO DRUGS!! STAY IN SCHOOL!! QUIT MASTURBATING TO NUNS!!) Cole and Lloyd are our announce crew as always, and immediately earn their paychecks by calling then newbie “Jack London”. Funny, this guy doesn’t LOOK like a early- 20th century racist writer. Then again, he doesn’t look a whole hell of a lot like a wrestler either. He gets hung on the ropes, then slung back by B-Squared, who looks like he wishes he was still being managed by Jackyl (oh wait, that’s me). They discuss the Fatal Four-Way from Thursday, and the attack by Albert on Edge beforehand. Y’know, between the hairy one’s sudden push and Big Slow’s title I’m starting to think that Triple H lobbied the office to make sure he wasn’t on the side that sucked immeasurably worse. Cena continues to pound on the enhancement talent. London does the Inzeguiri and follows it up with a NICE dropkick where he does a flip in the air. Springboard over the top rope into the lionsault for a two-count. VERY impressive combination of moves there. Cole asks “do you know what a win over John Cena would do for Paul London’s career?” Well, since it’s the first time any of us have ever seen him, my guess would be “START IT?” Of couse it’s a moot point. Cena wins. Alert the media (and wait for them to laugh in your ear and hang up on you). STILL TO COME: More on the SD main event that determines the #1 Contender next Sunday. And STILL TO CUM: Torrie and DM going to a clambake. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Torrie and Dawn give thanks there’s big money to be made outside of strip clubs being drenched in food. FROM SMACKDOWN: Torrie is approached by her future mother-in-law and gets told “I just wanted to tell you that your dad isn’t the only Wilson I’m interested in”. Despite the meaning being plainly obvious the blonde displays that deer in the headlights stare she probably gets whenever she’s asked to spell something, so Dawn clarifies the statement. She tells Ms. Wilson that she’s been watching her since her WCW days (in other words she’s not just bisexual, she’s a maschocist too), and is willing to end her engagement for a night of eating at the Y. Dawn then gives her new love interest a room key. Later that evening we’re at the hotel, and Dawn moves in. Torrie starts to leave in disgust until hearing “I guess you don’t love your father that much”. Reluctantly she returns and then UPN pisses off every horny viewer in America (or at least the 17 of them watching this rot) by ending the segment there. Cole says he’s dying to know what happened and maybe we’ll find out next Thursday. Lloyd responds “I don’t have to wait, I can just imagine”, prompting Michael to scream “DEAR CHRIST PUT THAT THING AWAY YOU SICK FREAK!” Commercials TOUGH ENOUGH 3: The gang takes a trip to Iceland, presumably because that’s the last foreign country on the planet the United States doesn’t have a travel advisory against. They announce there’s going to be a cut, and for some reason Justin thinks it’s going to be him since he got laid the night before (and rule #1 of the sport is “never fuck some star-struck slut who wants to do a wrestler *rolls eyes*). Instead, they send home Kelly, because she sucks. Rikishi’s music plays. Newcomer Mike Fox is in the ring, probably thinking “I wish I’d gone on Tough Enough, at least they don’t have to get their nose buried into a Samoan’s anus to earn their spot.” A guy in the front row holds up a sign that says “Jerry Jones Needs a Stinkface”. HA! Fox goes for an early sunset flip, and runs like hell when Rikishi slaps his cheeks and threatens to drop them. In the corner, he’s the victim of a few knife-edge chops. Nice to see one of the legacies of ECW survives, that of the crowd going “wooooooo” for each of them (originally started to piss off Shane Douglas). Here they come. The two ass moves of doom are delivered (with a superkick in between) and this one is history. Commercials. Oooh, generic one for Confidential. I’m not going to get lucky enough for it to be a repeat again, am I? (No such luck. The Torch has a recap and it’s new... although the guy promises it’s “outstanding”. The height of irony: PWT has a pop-up ad for pop-up ad removal software). RAW RETRO: Rock reads a eulogy for Austin, and the 3:16 monster truck crushes his new Lincoln Contidental. With all these recent pro-Stone Cold clips it’s a crying shame he’s gone from the company forever. Pfffft. This leads to the promo for the 10 Year Anniversary show on Jan. 14. If Vince is smart, he teases Austin all show then buries him without an appearance, spreads the word that talks fell through, and then brings him in the week after (in other words, Steve shows up on the 14th and jobs along with RVD to Hunter in a handicap match). FROM SMACKDOWN: Benoit and Guerrero take turns eliminating themselves, leaving Edge and Angle to have another one of their off-the-charts matches. Angle wins with an Olympic Slam off the top rope, and then is promptly choke-slammed by Big Slow. Fortunately they left all references to the role Albert played in the evening out, as it would’ve really been stressful trying to find a loophole around his rule. Commercials JVC TOWER OF POWER FLASKBACK: Brock via satellite tells Heyman and the champ “Big Show defending the title at Armageddon? That sounds like a hell of a match. I can’t wait to see it… in person!” “HELL OF A MATCH?” YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO HE WAS WRESTLING YET!!! WHAT GODDAMNED ALTERNATE HILLBILLY UNIVERSE DO YOU LIVE IN WHERE SIMPLY HAVING PAUL WIGHT IN THERE MAKES IT A “HELL OF A MATCH??” Butt-sex 1.0, otherwise known as”Mattitude”, comes out to the ring. He posted on his website a couple of days ago that he was supposed to be the one that injured Mysterio but McMahon decided it would be better if a big man did it so him and Albert switched roles this week. YOU MEAN THAT’S WHY I HAVE TO FUCKING RECAP A CHUCK PALUMBO MATCH?? DO YOU REALLY HATE ME THAT MUCH, VINCE? The “Mattitude” trivia info in the graphic this week tells us “Matt is a great juggler”. He must’ve been taught by the same carny folk who turned him into such an expert sword swallower. Palumbo comes out with his new dark hair and guitar-heavy intro. “Wedding? What wedding?” The two lock up as Matt talks smack. He turns his back and is rewarded with punch in the mush. Hardy responds with a series of moves that use the ropes as a weapon. Cole says that’s why he’s one of the top WWE superstars here. Um… “top WWE superstars” don’t lose their spots to Fuzzy Wuzzy the Talentless Pincushion, Mikey. Matt holds the advantage. Cole starts making fun of Lloyd’s inability to get the scoops that SMAKADOW NUMBA WAN ANNOWNSA does. In a perfect world they wouldn’t have changed the booking and I’d be gleefully fast-forwarding through this (and stoned). Chuck delivers a couple of fierce clotheslines and a side slam for a near fall. Matt responds with an attempt at the twist of fate but goes flying instead. Hardy with a side effect for a near fall, but meets Chuck’s right fist when he tries to follow it up with a move off the top rope. Palumbo goes for a slam but Matt grabs the ref to prevent it. A shoulder into the corner followed by the twist of fate later and this one is over. All kidding aside, that was a real good match. Of course the best part is that I’m FINALLY halfway through this excursion. NEXT!! WWE CONFIDENTIAL 12/7/02 TONIGHT: Testicles in India, and Brockicles referees a charity football game. THIS IS THE OUTSTANDING SHOW YOU PROMISED?? FUCK YOU IN THE ASS TORCH!!! Gene-o Machino welcomes us. With the voting for the all-time best moments on RAW currently taking place on WWE’s website (NO BOSSMAN COFFIN DRAGGING?? BASTARDS!!), later on tonight we’ll be talking to Kurt Angle about a spot he did on there “once… and has vowed never to do again”. Hopefully he’s not referring to bashing Canada’s Olympic team. Okerlund leads us into the first segment by saying that it would be impossible to describe a “typical” WWE fan, because it’s such a global community (well, we’re pretty unified in our hatred of Triple H, but beyond that…). “WWE Programming is broadcast in 10 languages. That means it’s shown in countries that most people have never heard of” (or at least couldn’t find on a map… like the country of “Montana” for instance). In November, they went for a three-day tour of India (thankfully they learned their lesson and kept Mark Henry home this go-round, after the disaster last time that the locals still refer to as the “Sacred Cow Holocaust”). He says that with three times the population of the United States, they have a very diverse culture… but one thing they have in common is a passion for the WWE (and that curry body odor). Montage of India’s landmarks are shown while Apu music plays. Test does an online chat through their newspaper, gets a monkey on his shoulder and rides an elephant. He also goes to a McDonalds and asks for cow burgers. The irony being that while you can’t eat beef there, “testicles” are considered a delicacy. He tells the story of the Taj Mahal, and how the prince had the architect killed and the workers’ hands cut off so nothing else like it could ever be built again. Geezus, what a bunch of savages. No wonder Dr. Jones had to go through such hell to save Spielberg’s wife from them. He closes by saying going through there was the coolest thing he’s ever seen… and he’s seen Stacy naked, so you KNOW it’s impressive. COMING UP NEXT: A story about Rico. That does it, I’m cancelling my Torch subscription… oh, wait. Commercials SNICKERS FLASHBACK: Rico in drag at Divas Undressed… because I was so in the mood for the next segment already. Gene says that Rico has had more personalies than Mike Myers, and that when it comes to his road to the WWE, Jerry Garcia said it best: “Peace man, pass the bong… OW MY HEART! AAAAACK!!” BEFORE THEY WERE SUPERSTARS! He opens by saying “before I was a wrestler, I was a desert rat”. MAN it wasn’t easy to bite my tongue on that one. He tells of his roots. His father was an entertainer in Vegas. He was also Sicilian. Wait a second… Sicilian, Vegas. FUCK!! Now I have to have to be nice for the rest of this thing. I sure don’t want to wake up with a horse’s head next to me. He was in military school and got an appointment to West Point, but didn’t want to go. So he left his dad and worked a bunch of restaurant jobs, as well as driving a limo and bottled water deliverer. Wow… this is so fucking riviting I could gouge my eyes out with a fork. That’s really what this whole thing is. He had a different job every week. Man, that looks good on a resume. “Hire me… I’ll be gone before you finish training me.” Then he became a wrestler. Neat-o. Are we done yet? STILL TO COME: MORE RICO??? I was trying SO HARD to go this whole day without drinking. Commercials Gene says that wrestlers are competative by nature, so it’s understandable when they do something they probably shouldn’t. Like when Snuka RAW 10TH ANNIVERSARY FLASHBACK! Clips play of the infamous cage match between him and Benoit. Some of the other highspots from that classic are shown, including the German suplex from the second rope. Heyman is doing the color commentary since this was during that glorious time when King actually thought Stacy was fucking him because she loved him rather than his ability to get her on television. *Sigh* Angle climbs the top of the cage, and does a backflip in mid-air. They don’t show him land (yet), but at least the tease is more than the old Rocco Roc flip that was in every ECW tape commercial ever made (RIP Flyboy). Angle says that Vince wanted something special for the cage match, but didn’t know what it was (sounds like a problem he’s facing weekly these days). Kurt says his immediate thoughts raced towards things that might be fatal… such as leaping from the rafters in a superhero outfit or dating the Superfly. Instead he settled for doing the moonsault off the top of the cage. Hey, there’s Steve Austin doing commentary. You’d ALMOST think they have plans to bring him back with all the footage he’s getting. Angle admits it was his idea to the spot, but is quick to say you’ll never see him do it again (if history is any indicator, that means “I’ll be doing it again Thursday”). He also admits he pretty much knew Benoit was going to do the headbutt from there and wanted to out-do him. He says Chris was hesitant at first but both knew that it would be something for the ages, and that they didn’t tell anyone anything beyond “we’re going to do something special”. As they show the footage he says you can see he went up there pretty quick, because if he’d had time to think about what he was doing he might have had second thoughts or fucked up. I’ll bet. He says when you’re in the air it feels like an eternity, and he’d never done one from that height before (no shit). He remembers the only thing he was thinking was that he couldn’t wait to feel the canvas since he had no idea when it was finally going to get there. Kurt rules. This is a great segment, now I see why the Torch dude was so high on this show. I take back everything bad I said about them (today). Heh, I just noticed that they’re blurring the WWF logo out of all the shots below the TitonTron. If you want to get REAL wasted on January 14th, turn the blurs into a drinking game. Kurt remembers Vince was thrilled with him, and hugged him then slapped him in the face and said “Don’t you ever do anything like that again”. I’m sure that’s the truth. Have you ever seen how many brothers Angle has? That would be a family deja-vu he NEVER wants to go through again. Gene says he’d love to see that move one more time… next Sunday on the Big Show. That match is in a cage? Jesus Gene, go plug your hotline. New segment. Gene says that whenever there’s a guest referee you can bet that something unusual is about to unfold. “Case in point: Shawn Michaels last Monday night”. ‘Scuse please? Want to explain to me how in the fuck going against every rational piece of booking logic just to put over Triple H is unusual these days? Of course he doesn’t. He just wanted to lead into Brock Lesnar being a football ref. Remember when Okerlund used to have something resembling credibility? Nah… me neither, just making sure you were still paying attention. So they’re having a charity football game between Stamford firefighters, and Brock is the referee. He sees irony in this as he holds a high school record for most penalties in a game back in his playing days. Somehow I doubt that… I’d have to figure there are lots of quarterbacks in South Dakota that have racked up serious “intentional dusting” infractions. One of the players tries to be funny and say “the rules tonight are there are no rules”. I WISH! Then there wouldn’t be a referee and this segment would never have happened. I’ve already had to give up on my hopes of having this fucking thing done before “The Simpsons” as is. Brock makes one guy do push-ups after calling a “technical” on him. Then he made him go back to second base and let the other team kick a penalty shot. One of the firefighters says “this was great for the kids and the community. It means a lot for Stamford to have this big event”. That statement loses a little of its value when you can see the entire crowd of 14 people behind him. It loses even more when the next shot is of a fireman’s boot with a sticker saying “Fill The Boot” on it that is COMPLETELY EMPTY. They probably had to sell one of their firetrucks just to pay to keep the field lit. COMING UP NEXT: “This superstar’s time in the spotlight is sure to last more than three minutes”. Just as sure… the amount of time I’m going to devote to it will be LESS than that same time frame. Commercials RAW RETRO MOMENT: DX invades WCW. X-Pac, Chyna, and Road Dogg all on camera together. I don’t even need one… that’s a punchline all to itself. K… Rico segment 2 on. Set the timer, I’d hate to think I lied. *fast forward* 7 seconds. 2:53 to spare. You could trust me with your daughter (no, those aren’t roofies in my pocket, they’re… um… aspirin). STILL TO COME: Bradshaw is a stock market genius. Step into his shower office and he’ll give you all kinds of “blue chip” info. Commercials “Bradshaw is a good ol’ boy from Sweetwater, Texas (Barry Windham’s hometown as well… fuckin’ A I’m a historian) who likes to brawl as much as he likes to drink beer. Not exactly the type of guy you’d expect to be giving tips on Wall Street, right?” Well, you’d be very wrong. The guy is like a financial GENIUS. I’ll never forget seeing him on CNBC talking about it. One of the more surreal moments in this business. Now he’s even writing a book about it, and Confidential was along for the photo shoot of the cover. HA! They start by playing DiBiase’s “Here Comes The Money” theme. Too bad all of his went up his nose before he could give it to Jesus, rather than using Him as a gimmick in a pathetic attempt to get more. Bradshaw starts out by saying his daddy was a banker, and when he played professional football he made a good chunk of money then like most players blew it all. At that point he made a promise if he ever had money again he’d make sure he never made the same mistakes. He studied the market, and said that he kept his eyes open (a full parking lot at Wal-Mart = stock in Wal-Mart. Makes sense, really). I remember Meltzer putting his prowess over… Bradshaw was making a killing while Wall Street investors were losing millions. He says the book he’s written is for the “everyday guy”, not something some asshole economics major who’s never invested his own cash would write. He says he read tons of books like that, but couldn’t imagine Joe Blow trying to make it through any of them without falling asleep. “A common person giving common advice to common people”. Straight up, I’ll read it. He says he’s given advice to a lot of wrestlers who have seen other entertainers lose their ass when they seemed to be swimming in cash. He also figures when his career is over he’ll be working within wrestling in some kind of financial advisory role. It closes with him being asked if he loves the stock market more than wrestling. “My first love will always be wrestling. I’m in a position to have money because of the clothesline from Hell… especially on Stevie Richards, that little bastard.” BWAHAHAHA!! Great segment, probably the best spot on a time usually reserved for fluff crap Confidential has ever had. NEXT WEEK: Ric Flair talks about the plane crash that killed the pilot, ended the career of Johnny Valentine, and made all fans with knowledge of the story cringe every time The Nature Boy has ever done a back bump. Should be good stuff… as was this show (minus the Rico horseshit). Well, I was hoping to have this done by midnight. Beat it by a few minutes at least. Eat a bag of Hell and all that. Barbwire Mike How I’m able to watch wrestling the day after one of these remains one of life’s great mysteries |