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 Hiya, gang. This week we’re doing things a little differently. First off, I’m having a real cyber-hassle at the moment so while that gets sorted out most of my on-line time will be limited to work hours. Secondly, I actually went out both nights over the weekend (guess I have to give back my “shut-in of the year” award now) so taping Velocity wasn’t real high on my to-do list. Thankfully, my homey to end all homeys came by today to rectify things. He dropped off a tape called “How To Lose $80 Million Dollars in One Year”; a cache of WCW moments from the first Nitro of 2000 through the next 12 months, sponsored by our good friends at WRESTLE CRAP . Before anyone asks, no I’m not going to be dubbing any copies of it… but will include the link to where you can order it at the bottom of the post. So come along with me, will you (after making the obligatory click to THE RING POST where we have the grand return of Tom Zenk and Ginger’s year-end finale, along with the latest MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS and a host of other good shit)? Let’s live and laugh to the memories. “How To Lose $80 Million In One Year” Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan welcome us to Greenville SC, wishing everyone a happy new year and inviting us to day one of the best year in WCW’s history… BWAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, man… this is already better than sex. “It’s me… it’s me. The B-U- Double Z!” I think the title of the video just got answered. Is there even any reason to continue? For some reason Buzzkill is teaming with Mike Rotunda to take on the Harris Brothers. Liea Meow is at ringside jumping on a trampoline. I’d suggest Jimmy Kimmel should’ve sued, but I’m sure he was like the rest of planet earth and not dreaming of watching this shit. This match also seeks to answer one of the all-time great mysteries of the sport, “Which is worse, watching the Harris Brothers wrestle or listening to Kevin Sullivan do commentary?” Sadly, it only leaves us with more questions than answers. You ready for how this match ends? “Standards and Practices” (with Administrative Assistant Miss Hancock aka Stacy Keibler) comes down to put a blanket on Meow, causing Rotunda and Sullivan to attack, leaving Buzzkill open for the double-team pin. Dear God, we’re only one match into this and I already feel dirty for dissing the product we’ve been subjected to the last 12 months. Second match: Aysia and Medusa for the cruiserweight title. And here comes OKLAHOMA Ed Ferrera. We’re two matches in, and I’m already asking myself “how were they not losing $80 million A WEEK?” “The cruiserweight title is a MAN’S title, and has no place for women. Medusa should be at home, cooking dinner for her man, being pregnant.” In fairness, he’s no worse than the real thing. I can’t believe it, THIS GIMMICK WAS AHEAD OF ITS TIME!! The Revolution is out, and although Shane Douglas and Dean Malenko want to help Aysia Perry Saturn is too broken up about their split so he nails her allowing Medusa to get the win. “This time, the Revolution will not be televised… or if it is it’s only on Thunder which is the same thing”. Oklahoma winds up busting a can of barbeque sauce over Medusa’s head, which Tony takes to be her “busted wide open”. Remember kids, these are the same eagle-eyes that once called Tank Abbott’s knife a pair of scissors that were going to be used to cut off a non-existant beard (oooh, foreshadowing). Steiner gets some booty for reasons only WCW can give us then we’re on to OK cutting a promo on Medusa. While he makes his way to ringside they remind me that Terry Funk was the commissioner of the company during this time… thanks for eroding my memory of a legend, guys. OK kicks all the barefoot and pregnant cliches then calls out any woman from the back to prove him wrong. Aysia accepts but gets hit with BBQ sauce, then Medusa gets smacked with a broom. There’s symbolism there… it’s a metaphor for “we wouldn’t know a good idea if it gave us a rim job”. Bret and Nash interrupt Steiner’s romp to tell him they’re ready. Meanwhile, in the ring Paul Orndorff, Terry Funk and Arn Anderson have a surprise for Jeff Jarrett… GEORGE THE ANIMAL STEELE! Fuck, was the WWF EVER great TV or was it just that we were all measuring it against this? Tony points out the look of “disbelief” on Jeff’s face. He should see mine… I watched this show every week and have NO memory of any of this. For the first time in my life I no longer think that people who claimed to repress memories of child abuse are attention-grabbing liars. Only thing worse than George Steele… The Animal “steeleing” New Jack’s shopping cart full of weapons gimmick. I take that back, the only thing worse is him WINNING THE FUCKING MATCH!! Holy shit, now I remember why op boards were so popular back in the day. With material like this even the most hackneyed of non-talent hacks could appear funny (that doesn’t include you, Toby… POST FOR US YOU ELITIST FUCK!!) Steiner apparently knew that by the time he got to the WWE he wouldn’t have to answer to those cripples’ whims because he stayed in the back to fuck some more. Meanwhile Bret and Nash suit up for a match while the crowd chants that someone sucks. I think they’re saying “Mean Gene” but I’m too lazy to dig out my head cleaner to make this tape easy to watch. TANK ABBOTT IN THA HAUGH!! Damn, as much as I hate him in UFC he was pretty much one of my favorite WCW characters from day one. PLEASE say we go far enough in this tape for him to become the Three-Count groupie. His promo is interrupted by Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn who attacks and then taunts Tank after the cops come. Easily the highlight of the tape thus far. Medusa is coming down in an evening gown. Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is… …thanks for listening. Here comes Ed Ferrera in an evening gown of his own. The saddest part is that if I remember my history we can’t even blame Russo, since he was long gone (the first time) during this mess. I love you guys, but there are some things I won’t do for anyone. Watching this match is one of them. *fast forward* Steiner stops banging strippers long enough to threaten to burn Bret Hart with a torch while Nash and Jarrett keep him helpless. NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED, I TELL YOU!! I’ve been tricked into reviewing a tape full of out-takes to ruin my “smark” cred. Booker T. w/ Midnight is shown on the graphic, then T. comes out alone. Ha! I’d nearly forgotten just how famous this company was for their production flaws. His music stops and Clarence Mason (who’s not Clarence Mason… I just can’t remember his WCW name) tells him that the music is the property of Harlem Heat Inc. and he can’t use it, but they have something new for him to use. Instead of being funny “Step n Fetchit” music it’s some Rocky sounding shit. One of about two million examples of missing the easy laugh. Clarence then tells Booker the “T” is intellectual property of HH Inc. as well, causing the crowd to say something that had to be deleted. Of course it’s “asshole”, but the brilliant editing job makes you wonder if they’re really chanting “nigger”. Man, what a racist company. Someone should’ve sued… oh, wait… Stevie Ray says “let’s break it down to eubonics”… then speaks non-ghetto for perhaps the only time in his career. OH YEAH, “T” is Ahmed Johnson. This is VER BATIM what his response: “Firstval… The name “T” bewon ta me. If you got a pwablo wadat, we can settle the name T wigt nawh. (wow, five words in a row that sounded like English… had to be a record). Mr. Big is Clarence’s new name. Yeah, that sounds vaguely familiar. He starts to berate Booker but THEN Midnight comes out about 10 minutes after we were all made aware she was in the building. HH Inc. makes the save then Mr. Big claims to have whiplash. Rosa Parks would’ve cried if she’d seen how much good had been erased since the day she refused to give up her seat in that one segment… but she’s like Jimmy Kimmel and the rest of the world (including me, apparently) who were watching porn instead during this mess. Now on to the payoff of the Oklahoma/Medusa feud at “Souled Out”. Ed wins then gets BBQ sauce poured down his crotch. Norman Smiley is wearing Kiss Demon gear WHY? Oh, they explain it. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing. So Norman is taking on Kiss Demon with both of them painted up like Gene Simmons. “Stick your tongue out, and do your dance/I’ll kick that ass through your leather pants”. This is SOOOOOOOOOO bad. RAW starts in two hours and I’ll be damned if I’m not actually looking forward to it. Hahahaha!! Papa Pump does his spiel about hoochies, and then disses the hellhole of Tulsa that he’s in. Madden: “He’s right, Tony. You know what you get when you spell Tulsa backwards”. Cute… you fat fuck. Steiner then disses Flair, saying he should’ve used some of his limosine riding money to take a cab to a dentist and fix his teeth. Heh. He then goes off on some tangent about Buddy Rogers being dead like Flair’s career. That should’ve horrified wrestling purists… but they were with Jimmy, Rosa and me on the couch watching “Anal Intruder 17”. Ooooh, he just kicked the “you caused people to turn their remotes to the WWF and watch Stone Cold instead… the guy you and your buddies got fired from here” I thought this was pretty disjointed even for a Steiner promo. This is the good shit that got him suspended. Rhonda Singh is out… taking on mmmmmmmmm Mona. I always loved that blue outfit. Oh goody, more Oklahoma. He’s now in charge of the women’s division? I’m not the type to name names, so just think of the worst net writer you’ve ever seen in your life (hey, direct that stare elsewhere… at least I’m consistent), and I PROMISE they couldn’t have made things this fucking bad. OK, thought I’d stopped for the night, but Raw Retro is boring me to fucking tears. Medusa is the ref. Mark and OK put over Rhonda because if you rate sexiness by “can hang with me at the buffet” she’s Miss Sex Appeal. YES!! One of my very favorite company moments: THE SKINS MATCH!! Big Al vs. Tank Abbott. Oh man, it’s bad on levels never seen in a wrestling ring before. Still, all kinds of high comedy, from Al not knowing what to do to calling off spots that took a minute to set up to the infamous “face standing”. Tank eventually wins by dropping Al off his shoulders from the top rope then getting the UFC jacket off the pole. And then “it” happens: Tank Abbott (holding a knife to the throat of Big Al): I could fucking kill you right now, you know that, right? Mark Madden: Tony, is that a knife? Tony Schiovane: I… um… think that might have been a pair of scissors, he’s going to try to cut the beard off of Big Al (Al doesn’t have a beard). MM (dumbstruck by Tony’s comment): Yeah, maybe they’re salad tongs. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I LOVE this tape. The Cat is out with a fake James Brown. This brings out the Maestro, along with “Symphony” (aka Ryan Shamrock… yum). Ah, that brings back some memories. Maestro was my first Internet feud, when his webmaster upset my girlfriend so I went on his messageboard and suggested he took the Liberace gimmick too far by claiming to be suffering from the effects of a watermelon diet (hehe). Maestro pulls the wig off the fake and says that Ernest Miller has lost a bet and now has to be his limo driver or something. This (eventually) brings out the real James Brown which causes Maestro to faint. Madden again cracks me up with “now it’s time to get funky like a m… I better not say that, it already got me in trouble once.” Then the two dance. The Dog beats up all the members of Three Count. Why we didn’t get a performance first is beyond me. Hopefully they’re saving that for when Tank is dancing along. Paul Orndorff is backstage at some bodybuilding show, trying to sign “Big Jake”, who’s arms measure 28”. Nice to see how much mileage they wound up getting out of this one. Buff is caught on camera bad-mouthing the nWo to score some poon, which of course they see. Steiner is going to go kill him, along with making a few threats that don’t pass the censors. Fit Finley is asked what he thinks of the imminent return of Russo and Bischoff. His quote: “They have a good track record and these are the guys that are going to sort it out.” That’s funny on so many levels trying to pull a punch line out of it would just be overkill. From Spring Break 2000, the video “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Biff Naked(?) with future champ David Arquette and lots of WCW stars. In case you’ve never seen it, “Ready to Rumble” really is a funnier movie than most give it credit for. Tank Abbott promo, calling out Bill Goldberg. He says Bill is a phony shootfighter and the only reason he came to WCW was to kick his ass. He says unless Goldy comes out he’s going to pick out someone from the crowd to hurt. Then he beats the holy hell out of Madden. The entertainment value is lowered considerably once he rips Mark’s shirt off. I think I’m going to be sick (wonder if we’re going to get him doing the same thing to Bob Ryder, which even Scherer admitted when reporting it was something almost everyone who knew the guy’s name would be jealous of Tank for). Good GRIEF!! The Mancow/Jimmy Hart feud. Hart calls Mancow a “Howard Stern wannabe”. Mancow in return calls Jimmy a “piece of shit”. I can’t see any reason to argue either statement. Hart low-blows the DJ, prompting fellow radio man Madden to quip “I’m surprised that hurt him”. I’ll tell you what, week in and week out Mark was annoying as fuck, but these small doses of him are among the only thing on here that’s entertaining without being unintentionally so. Hart’s crony press slams Mancow out of the ring, but he recovers to hit Jimmy with a chair as the ref is being revived. He then goes for the cover, looking a lot more like he’s trying to fuck the guy than pin him (which was probably the case). Eric Bischoff is taking on David Arquette, with a Dallas Page/Jeff Jarrett title match in the balance. And to think I was actually disrespecting this company back in the day… they obviously had a total understanding of what fans wanted to see. David wins with an errant guitar shot from Double J to Eric’s noggin. Funniest part is watching Mr. Cox (not to be confused with his opponent, “Mr. Cocks”) look behind him when Jarrett is supposed to sneaking up on him, then turning around and not acknowledging him. YUP!! There goes Bob Ryder. KILL HIM TANK (but please leave his shirt on). Jeremy Bore-ass is in there as well, trying to save his meal ticket. This piece is sorely lacking in stiff shots to Blubber Bob (who has no idea who I am… just ask him). Arquette and Page take on Jarrett and Bischoff. Special guest referee Kimberly (who has apparently “just filed for divorce”) is in there as well. This match is every bit the technical masterpiece you’d expect it to be, and as an added bonus David wins the WCW Title, or as it was forever known from that day forward (including the day it was revived for Triple H), “that worthless hunk of shit”. Sean Staziak shoots free throws. Ooh… K. RUSSO IN THIS BITCH! Apparently Liz did something to disrespect him, so he storms into the women’s locker room to threaten her. He gets slapped for his troubles. I’m assuming in the afterlife every wrestling fan who earned their wings will get to line up to do the same thing. David Arquette taking on Tank Abbott. This makes the skins thing look like Misawa/Kobashi. DDP with a sneak diamond cutter for the successful title defense. I could cry all over again. Staziak is about to break a free-throw record when Curt Henning attacks him. Aaah, must be over the “Mr. Perfect” gimmick-steal… or he’s just a fan who can’t believe we’re being subjected to this. Back to ringside “Pops” from Misfits in Action is laid out. Major Gunns gives him mouth to mouth, and out of gratitude he tries to rape her. WCW = “We’re Classy Wrestling”. Triple Dome match for the belt. Arquette with the heel turn to allow Jarrett to win the title. Brilliant booking, since even the most ardent fan was feeling dirty having to cheer for that yutz. Mike Awesome adds to the mystique by tossing Kanyon off the cage onto the walkway. Instead of killing him, it just leads a hospital incident with Dallas getting a bedpan full of piss dumped on him. I’m telling you kids, that Russo is a GENIUS. Then Arquette brags. At least some parts of my memory still work… he’s every bit the annoying retard I remembered. Terry Funk is taking on Norman Smiley for the hardcore title. Norman introduces his hardcore tag team partner Ralphus, saying that last night he taught everyone why they should “just say no to crack” (after he exposed his ass, not for stealing a production truck with Johnny Grunge). Terry kills both and Ralphus shows more ass cheek, meaning that both guys lose their jobs. This leads to them selling popcorn. Chuck Palumbo is working out, and Lex Luger takes the opportunity to destroy him. Someone needs to tell Lex that when hitting someone with a “forty pound metal weight”, not to throw it onto the hard floor without some kind of sound effects being added. They don’t go “thump”. Norman and Ralphus now sell bookleg t-shirts, then get arrested… I assume on federal “suck” charges. Daffney and Crowbar take on Chris Candito and Tammy. Oh yeah, I forgot about the week they were there before Kimberly found Sunny’s works in the toilet. The women take turns doing horrible attempts at moves on the men, while Miss Hancock takes notes. Then she says she’s going to do a dance for Tony. WHAT THE FUCK?? Daffney wins which is supposed to mean Crowbar is the cruiserweight champ, but she decides she wants it for herself. This is one of those matches that made you wonder whether ANYONE really bothered to do any booking or if they just said “you’ve got 10 minutes… now go ad-lib”. Flair is coming down to ringside, then the tape cuts and Shane Douglas comes out instead. That’s the closest they ever got to capitalizing on on the feud. He beats the tar out of Ralphus for some reason. Booker T. says he was fired by Bischoff, so he’s dead… but LONG LIVE G.I. BRO!! Eerrr… right. Long live WCW too. He’ll be taking on Staziak, who he promises will be his first casualty. “Now can you copy that?” Oooh, that added depth to the new character. During the match we’re promised an interview with Sting, who will talk about his issues with Vampiro. Oh geez… time for him to be set on fire. Quick Kim/Page segment then we’re on to Bischoff taking on Terry Funk for the hardcore title. Funny thing is that he thought matches like this were actually belittling ECW rather than his own company. Eric gets to have Cat helping him, which just means another head to take trash can shots. They run away, then we cut to later in the show when Terry’s found him and drags him back to the ring. Terry is about to make Eric kiss his ass, but Russo sends out the Marmalukes to save him. They destroy Funk then lay Bischoff’s carcass on top of him. Not to be outdone, Russo won’t submit to Flair’s figure four. Then gallons of the “new blood” pours from the ceiling and him and David pin daddy. Wow, they flew right past that whole angle a lot quicker than I figured. Ernest teaches old people to dance. A grandma threatens to knock the bleach out of his hair. That’s the entire segment. At some point, Vince Russo read over the script of that and said “it’s going on the air”. I’m never bashing the WWE again. Sweet. Sting has been doused with gasoline and is climbing the NitroTron. BWAHAHAHA!! Oh my lord it’s so unbelievably fake I actually feel sorry for the announcers having to act concerned. This is fucking priceless. I have a new favorite tape. Goldberg is making his first appearance, right behind his monster truck. Somehow he’s pulled a heel move by spearing Kevin Nash instead of Jeff Jarrett. Huh? Oh, here comes Russo and Bischoff… I’m sure they can straighten everything out (after all, they have a great track record *rolls eyes*). Apparently the explanation is that Goldberg is New Blood, and hugs the two brilliant promoters. Somehow, I doubt it would’ve made any more sense if I’d spent the last eight weeks watching the build-up to it. Flair and Reid come out to take on Jarrett and Russo. The stipulation of this match is that if Russo wins, they shave Ric’s hair. If the Flairs’ win, they shave Russo’s ass. No… really. HAHAHA!! Beth comes in to make the save, but is ambushed by security. Russo gives her a Lady Liberty statuette to hit her husband with, which she refuses to do. He takes it back from her and IT CRUMBLES IN HIS HANDS BEFORE HE CAN USE IT AS A WEAPON! Anyway, then they shave Ric and Reid’s hair. Vampiro is upset at a fan wearing a Sting mask. He goes to attack but gets blood spit in his face, and the fan reveals herself to be Aysia. This brings out the Kiss Demon. For those of you who don't know where this feud was supposed to go, allow me to enlighten you. They were going to feud throughout the year, with the intensity rising to the point where they were going to have a fight to the death at Starcade… which would end when Vamp was thrown into a pool of Holy water and being re-born. Yes… I’m serious. Three Count performs, then David Flair cheats on Daffney with Miss Hancock. There you have it, virgins… you want the hot chicks, you gotta have a face rash. Nothing gets them wetter. Hehehee… “Positively Kanyon” book signing. Good stuff. What’s not good stuff is Jim Duggan’s wife warning her man he can’t take on Goldberg. Goldberg then proceeds to kill him, prompting Nash to say “this shit has to stop”. Don’t worry, Big Shitty… only a few months to go. Jeff Jarrett has three fat ladies vying for the right to sing at Bash at the Beach for Hogan’s career. The best of them not only gets that honor, but also free reign at the buffet table in the back. This makes one of them oink… er… cheer estatically. A censor comes out to stop the exploitation of the bloated but Jeff nails him with the guitar. He also asks why this is such a big deal, since they’re just “fat SOBs”. Tank Abbott and Smooth are in the limo with Three Count. Cat is now the commissioner. Three Count is awarded a gold album from Tank, and then they hang it up where everyone can see it. Hahahaha, Tank dancing to the song cracked me up every time he ever did it. Damn Young Dragons come out and mess everything up. God, who booked this cra… oh, nevermind. Kiss Demon is looking for Vampiro in the graveyard. He finds his foe and they fight with only a flashlight to illuminate the performers. They fall into the water and Madden reacts like they went into a pit of acid. Tony says “we’ve gone to all new boundries tonight”. He must’ve meant that the ratings finally fell below a 2.0. Torborg gets thrown in a coffin and set on fire. Wow, this is garbage at unimaginable levels. Main Event time. Jarrett and Hogan out, and Russo tells Jeff to lie down. Hogan grabs the mic and says “that’s why the company is in the shape it’s in, because of bullshit like this.” If this was a commercial tape, that quote would be right on the box cover. Three Count performs, and Young Dragons attack again. WHAT? THIS IS FROM NITRO! WE DON’T GET THE INFAMOUS RUSSO “SHOOT”?? Fuck! Lance Storm makes fun of a fat wrestling fan, bringing out Mike Awesome to defend his fetish. Kanyon then comes down for a double team but Buff Bagwell comes down. We then see footage of Judy Bagwell being kidnapped. This leads to a match between Kanyon and Bagwell. He holds her up and threatens to break her neck unless Buff has a match with him with the winner getting Judy as his valet. I was going to call this the absolute worst segment on the tape but then they show Kanyon leaving and Kanyon Cutting a security guard. HA! I’d forgotten his random cuts on innocent people. VERY amusing stuff. Footage of Shane Douglas not being able to get it up not able to get it up with Torrie Wilson. This leads to the infamous “Viagra on a Pole” match. Then Major Gunns and Miss Hancock wrestle in the mud. Stacy starts crying, and David “breaks kayfabe” to run out as they bring out a stretcher. I think she just miscarried but the tape just goes on in to the match between Buff and Kanyon. What’s worse than Judy Bagwell out there? Try the return of David Arquette. He does nothing to help as they both get blockbustered and Judy is saved by her son. “Match of the Millenium” between Mark Madden and Gene Okerlund. Comparatively speaking, Tank Abbot vs. David Arquette just won “Match of the Year”. Who the hell is Pamela? Wow, she’s hot. “The Lava Lamp Lounge” is on. Oh, Pamela is the first guest. Yeah, now I remember her. She says her name is Pamela Paulshock… or “double P” for short. Or “double P” for how she got her job. Mike makes really lame come-on lines to her until Jarrett saves the segment by coming out and asking “what the hell is wrong with you?” Then he destroys Awesome with his guitar. That’ll teach Awesome to drop Shaggy off a bus a few months later. Then David and Stacy are getting married. Awesome shows up in his Partridge Family bus. Meanwhile, Ric is served with a restraining order and isn’t allowed to take part in the wedding. Stacy then says her baby isn’t David’s. Then she drives off in a limo, and Mike Awesome is about to score with Pamela until Jarrett and 8 other wrestlers beat him to death. Then Mike brings out Gary Coleman. Re-read this paragraph if you have ANY doubts that McMahon buying this company was anything other than a mercy killing. Gary Coleman gets nailed with the guitar, but Sting comes out and helps Awesome win instead. Jarrett then continues his assualt on black midgets by el-kabonging Beetlejuice from the Stern show as well. Oh MAN, tape’s over ALREADY? That was absolutely awesome. Scary thing is that if you didn’t live through this you’d think “oh they just showed bits and pieces so it’s worse than it actually was”, but this is the REAL WCW. Angles that started and never ended. Feuds that were forgotten before the payoff ever happened. Enemies becoming friends with no reason given. Storylines started and killed in the dressing rooms without ever being explained in front of the cameras. Insane blending of instances where they’re booking for the Internet one moment then pretending the next that no one knows the story that led to it. This is an absolute “must-have”, and here is where you can get it: http://wildbbrown.virtualave.net/wcwcrap.html (e-mail me for another way to purchase off E-Bay. This way I can still send some business my boy’s way without pissing off one of the only websites that hasn’t blacklisted us). Happy New Year, everybody. Coming VERY soon, the infamous “Paul E. shoot”. Barbwire Mike 3… 2… 1… EAT A BAG OF HELL IN 2003!! |