|
|
 I have a rule about repeats… I don’t do them. Hence, there’s no Confidential recap this week even though I didn’t do it back when it aired. If you really want to re-hash old crap, I’d recommend reading the article I did instead that weekend, especially with rumblings of a possible Austin return: **LETHAL WORLD EXCLUSIVE** THE ARTICLE VINCE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO SEE (yet) THE RING POST rocked and rolled through the holiday weekend. Our tribeca of new talent (Der Kommisar, Fiendish, and the Jesse/Padre duo) all have sweet new stuff up, and we present a totally loaded MONDAY NIGHT SUCKS to strike a blow at the wretched ending to RAW. Also, you have to know by now that Sundays mean new Ginger, as well as the latest by Tom Zenk which you already know is great before even looking (and enjoy it, he’s now on vacation until the “Year in Review” on Dec. 31). THE ICP POST IS BACK ONLINE !! (courtesy our good friends at PHANTASMO. Thanks Jim.) And as a special holiday treat, I’d like to share this with you. Go to ALBINO BLACK SHEEP. Not only is there shitloads of good classics on there (“WEEEE!!” included, along with the net version of long-missed “The Critic”), but if you scroll to the bottom in the “series” section, you HAVE to watch the genius that is Chris Coutts. “What does SUXORS mean” parts one and two rule, but even they take a backseat to “Tales for the L33T”, which takes funny to whole new levels. Pure brilliance. Alright, let’s get to it. WWE VELOCITY 11/30/02 My tape starts during the opening graphics (since I was caught up in watching Florida State easily cover the spread at the time. THREE FOR THREE THIS WEEK, BABY!! Drinks are on me.) Still, I’d be willing to bet the graphic was on there, so let’s put that bitch up anyways.  (Most of the) OPENING GRAPHICS!! EXPLODIES!! EVERY WRESTLING FAN IN COLUMBIA, SC EXCEPT ME!! Michael Cole kicks things off by saying “Thursday night I worked with a Cat. Tonight I’m working with a turkey”. Oh, man… its going to be a long day… …Case in point. Rikishi’s music plays. He’ll be taking on “Red Dog”. I’ll be taking on many shots of Jager to survive this. TONIGHT we will go through the whole story of Brock Lesnar’s suspension. Plus a bevy of matches with enhancement talent and another Crash Holly/Funaki “main event”. Hey I just bought a new GG Allin DVD, wouldn’t you rather I recapped that? … Fine… me and my stupid “wrestling content only” rule. Lloyd calls the decision to suspend Lesnar the hardest Stephanie has made since becoming general manager. Cole interrupts to say “Red Dog? I thought Rikishi was taking on Snoop Dogg”… *hooks up Jagermeister IV machine* Red Dog falls down into the corner but slides out before he gets the assfull of lard. He makes a bit of a comeback and drops the big man with a clothesline. Cole tells us that he’s watched the rookie working out and he has all the tools to make it in the WWE. Red Dog then howls… *runs an IV tube into each arm and another into cock* Here comes the Stinkface. God should strike both announcers dead for talking about Big Papa Pump during this abortion. DDT followed by the “Rump Shaker” and this one is over. Score another one for the most devestating ass in the business (and of course by “most devestating ass in the business”, I mean whoever booked this shit). STILL TO CU… er… COME: Dawn Marie and Torrie continue the proud tradition of never having food at ringside that doesn’t become part of someone’s outfit. Commercials TOUGH ENOUGH 3: Jonah cries because he’s injured. He finds out he’s OK, then decides to pull a rib by coming in looking like a mummy and tearfully says goodbye to everyone. He then stands up and laughs at everybody. Then they CUT SCOTT… meaning I no longer give a shit about this or any previous or future TEs. Fuck you MTV! Fuck you and Ozzy. Speaking of my not giving a shit past, present or future… here comes Albert (not only that… Albert and Hugh Morris as a team). In a long weekend of traditions, this just may be my very favorite. Only difference is tonight there’s TWO greenhorns getting screwed out of their debut recap. *fast forward* COMING UP: Torrie, DM, Brock Lesnar, and my ever-hastening descent into full-blown alcoholism. Commercials. Long one for WWE Anthology, which sits alongside “The Wraith” as the top-selling independent records in the country right now (woot, woot). LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Dawn and Al invite all Smackdown viewers to be a part of their upcoming wedding. Too bad we’re not invited to the honeymoon. I’d really like to see them consummate their vows with Al giving her a dust facial money shot. FROM SMACKDOWN: Torrie is dressed as PokeACuntAss while DM is dressed as a pilgrim (not exactly a puritan, obviously). Ernest Miller says that it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without the turkey, so out comes Al Wilson dressed in full gobbler outfit. No, I’m not kidding. In fact, just in case you missed it here’s a picture:  Miller cracks me up by pulling on Al’s wattle (the skin that hangs under a turkey’s neck). What makes it funny is that he does it AFTER Al has taken off the mask. BWAHAHAHAHA!! Man I missed that guy. Wilson (makes a horrible attempt to) gives thanks. Ernest shoos him away and says no one wants to hear him gobble, they want to see big breasts. Then Torrie hits DM with a tomahawk and soon the food is flying. Al gets hit with a pie, DM gets drenched with punch and a turkey, the Barbed One gets a Kleenex. COMING UP: Brock joins the rest of the world in his disgust of Big Show having the belt. Commercials RAW RETRO: Rock and Hogan challenge each other to a match at Wrestlemania. HAHAHA!! They digitize the microphone and cameramen’s shirts with WWF logos on them. Those fucking hippies. John Cena kicks some heavily-rehearsed “freestlyle”. I’m so glad Eazy E isn’t alive to see this. Then he comes to his ring, accompanied by his “posse” B-Squared. His opponent is the Danny Dinucci. Is there some dark match tournament going on tonight I’m not aware of? Dinucci has dyed his hair blue. Guess he was hoping to get confused with Moolah and work the main event. Cena does some suplexes and power moves for a few near falls. He gets annoyed that he can’t get a three count. You and me both, dude. Dinucci delivers quite possibly the worst sunset flip in the history of the world. Cole admits that for once Lloyd got a story right by saying that Brock Lesnar was going to show up and F-5 Big Show. They'’e so busy talking about it that they almost don't notice that the match has ended. Can’t say I blame them. UP NEXT: Stephanie and Brock. Commercials: New Hogan book is shilled. If you can’t find it on the shelves, it’s probably because you’re not looking in the “fiction” section. Montage of Stephanie warning Brock he’d sbe suspended if he attacked Heyman or the Big Show, followed by Brock attacking Big Show. She tells him again that she’ll suspend him if he does anything else, followed by Brock delivering an F-5 to the champ. In other words, Lesnar paid as much attention to her as the fans did when she said “don’t touch that dial”. ON SMACKDOWN: Stephanie and Brock face off in the ring. He gets in her face and she retreats to the top of the stage, then says that she didn’t screw Brock, Bret screwed Brock (or something like that). Then the cops escort him to his car. Then Moolah comes out with bright red hair to fuck up my earlier joke and is forced to take on the Big Show because Columbia fans booed her decision. Heyman tells Moolah she’s a hometown legend and he’s always respected her, so she has nothing to worry about. He then says that maybe Big Show actually sees Brock Lesnar when he looks at her feeble old body and she needs a choke-slam. Then Brock comes out and F-5s him through a table. So I guess he’s double suspended now. Commercials X BOX REWIND: Scott Steiner kills Jamie Noble. Nice to see him getting the main event heat he deserves right off the bat. Crash Holly skulks down to the ring and does his rope climbing ritual. We’re reminded that we’re a mere two weeks from Armageddon. If that title doesn’t suggest Triple H is going to win the belt back, I don’t know what does. SMACKADOW NUMBA WAN ANNOWNSA comes down and we’re underway. Cole asks who can stop Brock Lesnar, since not even the Columbia police department could. In fairness to them, they were probably preoccupied with violating someone’s civil rights at the time. Funaki and Crash exchange fundimentals. They talk about the other cruisers, like Billy Kidman and Jamie Noble. Mention is made of Jamie’s cousin “Nunzio”. My UPN went out this week so I missed large chunks of Smackdown. Up until hearing that I had been somewhat upset about it. Bulldog by SMACKADOW NUMBA WAN ANNOWNSA for a near fall. Crash with a pretty cool reversal for a two-count of his own. Funaki then tries a arm lock but gets pinned. This one is in the books. Thank fucking God. Barbwire Mike I’d have reviewed Confidential if they’d talked about Snuka murdering his fiance |