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 We’ll be FLYING through this one today, kids. Got a real late start and have to be finished up before the PPV chat tonight (IM “Barbwrmike” for an invite. Leave a message if the away thing is on, I check often). So go read THE RING POST and let’s get going. WWE VELOCITY 12/14/02 Oh sure, THIS week I get the tape started on time. I really have to work on scheduling my fuck-ups better. In leiu of the ass-raping this week we have Mick Foley in a Santa suit welcoming us to “Slammin’ Saturday Night”. Behind him are three girls with “ho” on their panties, which Mick reads off. Aww, that was nice of them… donating personalized clothing to the less fortunate. TNN cares. OPENING GRAPHICS!! EXPLODIES!! MATTITUDE!! The pop-up this week tells us that Matt’s favorite band is Pearl Jam. The members of “Two Tons of Fun” must be heartbroken at being unseated in such a public setting. He’ll be taking on Shawn Evans, who’s favorite band, in tune with his gimmick, is a group no one has ever heard of. Man, I had the WORST hangover this morning… but for some reason this doesn’t seem quite as painful as most weeks. Can’t quite put my finger on it… guess I’m just in the mood for wrestling today. No, that can’t be it… OOOOOOOOOH!! A NEW ERA OF VELOCITY BEGINS TONIGHT!! SO LONG MICHAEL COLE!! SEE YOU IN HELL MARK LLOYD!! Our NEW hosts are JOSH MATTHEWS AND ERNEST MILLER! Josh announces his co-hort by saying “someone call my mama”. Judging by how old he looks, it’s probably to tell her that he’ll be home late tonight and please don’t put him on restriction. The crowd chants “we want Jeff” as the guys talk about Brock being in Angle’s corner and Steiner deciding to sign with RAW because Stephanie wouldn’t put out. Miller says things aren’t like they used to be. I’ll say, time was there wasn’t any argument about the sex before the signing… but Patterson is getting on in years. Evans is green but has a good look and has some skills. Ernest puts over Matt’s gay pants and gets a stiffy thinking about the lesbo footage we’ll see tonight (by “we”, of course I mean “both of you that are actually going to pay for that mess that won’t even have a RVD match on it). Josh tries to explain that there’s a bigger issue of DM screwing over Torrie and using her for Dawn’s desires, but Miller couldn’t give a damn as long as he sees some HLA. Twist of Fate and this one is over. Ernest calls his mama. STILL TO COME: Kidman vs. Chavo for the cruiserweight title. Plus Angle and Lesnar plot to take out the Big Show (God love them). Commercials: “Truth” has a wino read a statement about the companies targeting homos and the homeless as potential customers in a plan called “Target SCUM”. I swear, they’re only showing these to make sure I NEVER stop supporting big tobacco. Someone holds up a poster of a drawing of Rikishi’s ass. Oh yeah, we’re in south Florida tonight, aren’t we? TOUGH ENOUGH RECAP: Jamie burps a lot. She’s still less disgusting than Kelly Osbourne. Chuck “the wedding was a figment of your imagination” Palumbo is taking on Johnny “who the fuck am I” Slaughter. Should be a barn-burner. Miller is so into it he can’t stop thinking about the dyke angle. He also wishes that Bill DeMott had been a trainer during Tough Enough 1 so he would have someone less fruity sitting beside him. Apparently he doesn’t remember working with Cole two weeks ago. Palumbo brutalizes the rookie, who looks like he’s afraid to be in there. Johnny gets a few shots to the leg in but he’s fodder for the GLAAD-man. Chuck ends it quickly with a couple of power moves followed by the superkick. Lucky for him Shawn Michael’s politicking only extends as far as the other brand. Commercials LUGZ BOOT OF THE WEEK: Angle beats Edge then gets choke-slammed by Big Show. Ernest says no one knows what Lesnar’s going to do at Armageddon, but he’ll definitely be there. He then implies if nothing else he’ll probably get some from Josh’s mom. Heh. Last Thursday Brock is signing autographs when Kurt breaks in line and takes him aside to run something by him. Bet that thrilled the people who had waited for hours shitless. He tells Lesnar if he is in Kurt’s corner at the PPV then when he wins the belt Brock gets the first shot. “You’re an NCAA champion… tell me you haven’t thought about what it would be like to wrestle, and maybe even beat, an Olympic champion.” Brock responds “No, actually that has never once crossed my mind” (just kidding). So Heyman goes to Stephanie and gripes, and in so many words she tells him that no one gives two fucks about Big Show and they need to have moneymakers back on Thursday. Later in the evening Angle and Edge take on Big Show and “(run) A-Train”, meaning by law I can’t discuss it. Post-match, Show again destroys Kurt. That’s two weeks in a row, so conventional wisdom says he’s dropping the strap tonight. Sadly, “conventional wisdom” in the WWE has gone the way of “not sleeping your way to the top” and “people watching it”. Commercials NEXT ON CONFIDENTIAL: Rock on the set of his new movie… promising he’ll be back in the WWE for at least two weeks next year. I’m actually looking forward to it… I was besieged by IMs (ok, three) by folks telling me how good the Flair segment is last night. SMAKADOW NUMBAH WAN ANNOWNSA makes his way out to take on CF Afi (I don’t think there’s any relation… he doesn’t look like he made any species of animal extinct at a single meal). Josh reminds everyone that he is the newest Smackdown interviewer. Miller reminds everyone Funaki’s title isn’t in jeopardy any time in the near future. They discuss Albert’s change to the “A-Train”. Both guys agree that at his size they’ll call him anything he wants. That’s a dangerous statement, since he probably would want either of them to put on the Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit and call him “daddy”. This Afi kid is pretty darn talented. Nice series of high-flying and submission moves that neither announcer knows the names of. (“What do you call that, Cat?” “A knot”. Thank you Professor Tenay). Inziguri by Funaki prompts Josh to say that reminds him of Miller and his martial arts background. “Only thing he’s missing is the red shoes”, Cat responds. Well, that and a Bischoff kid to teach so he can leapfrog over others who spent years earning their spot. Funaki nearly wins with a flapjack, then does a pretty swift stretch-powerbomb off the top rope for the three count. UP NEXT: Torrie and Dawn Marie… and still to come Kidman and Chavo. Josh reminds us of Kidman’s use of the Shooting Star Press. You know, I hear Brock Lesnar can do one of those. Is there a clip of this online somewhere? Commercials FROM SMACKDOWN: Montage of Dawn offering to call off the wedding to Torrie’s father in return for an evening of swimming with the fishes. It continues into the stuff from last week where she confronts Al, and tells him she only did it because she missed fucking a Wilson so much while he was out of town. That’s good enough for him and he still wants to marry her. Torrie goes nuts and pushes her father out of the way trying to kill the person she whored herself out to. What a message for the youth of America… I don’t know whether to be offended or aroused. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I do. *fapfapfapfapfap* Commercials X BOX REWIND: The Guerreros combine to screw Kidman and Benoit. Chavo is out with his belt, and Kidman is out with his. Josh talks about the relationship between Eddy and Chris from back in the WCW days. Miller tells him to shut up since he already knew all about it. These two are no Hennan/Monsoon… but compared to their predecessors they’re a regular pair of Gordon Solies. Kidman has the early advantage. They discuss “Nunzio”, who Miller calls a big man. “Big? He’s 5’ 3”?” Josh states. “Compared to you he’s a big man.” BWAHAHAHA! It should go without saying this is a real solid match. Gotta love the cruiserweights, and these are two of the better ones. Chavo yells something to the crowd in foreignese and Josh asks what he said. Miller tells him he doesn’t speak Spanish, to which Josh retorts “I know… you don’t speak english either.” “I can speak red shoe to your head though”. I REALLY like this pair. Long match, back and forth all the way. UNCLE EDDY to ringside and pushes Kidman off the ropes. He hides from the ref and counts along with the ref… but is STUNNED when he doesn’t hear the “three”. Kidman baseball slide to the elder Guerrero sends him flying, then a powerbomb on Chavo. Eddy comes in to retaliate, causing the DQ. The two beat on Billy until Chris Benoit makes the save. I guess he’s a face now. Good match, good show. No more Cole and Lloyd. I still have about three hours to get Confidential done. Just got a very nice e-mail from the guy who wrote those great Snuka and Von Erich stories I can’t stop linking. Everything is coming up Barbwire today. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 12/14/02 TONIGHT: Ric Flair on the plane crash that for all intents and purposes should have ended his career before it ever really started, and Rock beats up his co-stars. Gene starts out by calling the match between Brock Lesnar and Rock a match of the year candidate, then ponders “will we ever see Rock in a WWE ring again?’ Judging by the fact you’d either be burying him or pretending he never existed otherwise, I’m going to go way out on a limb and guess “yes”. But first, it was a typical fall day in North Carolina on October 4, 1975. The klan was preparing a rally, Jesse Helms was wondering how much older he’d get before he could no longer continue on in the senate, and a pair of young ‘uns known as The Hardy children played their first game of “Doctor” on each other. But in a small plane en route from Charlotte to Wilmington, an event was about to forever change wrestling history. On the way to a Jim Crockett Mid-South show were David Crockett, “Mr. Wrestling” Tim Woods (who died last week… RIP), world champion Johnny Valentine, Bob Brueggers… and a young upstart named Ric Flair. Three miles outside of the airport, the plane went down… killing the pilot, ending the careers of two wrestlers, and leaving “The Nature Boy” wondering what the future held for him. COVER STORY It starts out with a description of the day, nothing out of the ordinary. HOLY SHIT, THAT’S DAVID CROCKETT!! Wow... just hearing that voice opened the floodgates of memories of the greatest era in the sport’s history. Flair said the distance was short enough to drive, but it had been a long week and would’ve been on country roads so they figured they may as well fly. A fan talks about the card that night, and says he was there to see Flair, still new but already his favorite wrestler. Crockett sets up the seating arrangement. Damn, he looks different without his beard. Flair said everything was fine until he noticed the gas tank read almost empty, but that they'd been on enough flights to know about reserve tanks. Then the right engine died and things started to get hairy. The fan says he’ll never forget the announcement (which must’ve been twice as rough since Valentine and Woods were feuding, and NO ONE broke kayfabe back then). Crockett says he started breathing like he did in lamaze class since his child had just been born. Flair swears he can’t remember either anyone speaking on the way down or the impact, figuring he’s blocked it from his memory. He figures they were going almost 300 mph when they hit. Ric says the first thing he remembers is the ambulance. He heard the EMTs say to hurry because they didn’t think this guy was going to make it, and he first thought they meant him but actually were referring to Brueggers. Crockett, the non-wrestler, had mainly cosmetic injuries and a few broken bones. Everyone else broke their backs. The pilot was in a coma for a year before dying. Tim Woods was able to leave the hospital after a day. The fan talks about how the wrestlers went from being like TV characters to real people that day, and he’s never looked at wrestling the same after that. Flair said he’s not sure if it humbled him because he was so anxious to get back to the business. We then see a lot of clips of him from the old days, going “woooo” repeatedly. He says you can sum up how he dealt with it this way, “I used the insurance settlement to buy my first Cadillac”. Heh, I’m SOOOO glad they showed this… with his current role it’s sometimes easy to forget that he’s absolutely the greatest showman EVER in wrestling. Crockett says he was scared shitless the first time he flew, Flair says he doesn’t think about it unless he’s in heavy turbulence or someone brings it up. Sometimes he’ll be flying and someone will comment they’re safe because Ric is there and lightning doesn’t strike twice, which makes him feel good. The piece ends with graphics of Valentine and Breuggers, who never wrestled again after the crash, as well as Tim Woods… who was going to be interviewed for this but died on November 30. The last two graphics are of David, who is now semi-retired after WCW folded, and Flair… who became a 16 time world champion and is now employed by the WWE. Finally a graphic of the pilot is shown, who was blamed in lawsuits after his death for the accident. I’m going to step away for a minute. I’m actually emotional after that. Very easily the best segment Confidential has ever had. STILL TO COME: Rock makes movies… duh. Commercials X BOX REWIND: Rock beats Hogan at Mania. You know what… I’m killing this now. Got to eat before the chat tonight and there’s no way in Hell that anything else on here is going to live up to what I just saw. Enjoy “Armageddon” everybody (riiiiiiiiight). You want to do something with the extra time you would’ve spent reading three more pages of recap? Go find some Flair promos or matches from the 80s on Kazaa, and read the new ROSS RIP-ort I hate having to SBA Effect. You’ll thank me later. See you next week. .Barbwire Mike Honestly… laziness has nothing to do with it. Well, almost nothing |