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 “OMG OMG I GUESS I’M NOT A MAN!” -MMN. This from the guy who has the audacity to make gay jokes towards me in the same post HE BRINGS SABOTAGE BACK FOR! Can you say “irony”? (Actually I’m just jealous of his new truck.) Over at THE RING POST there’s all new Roughkut, two more Gingers (one with “extended family member” Jeff), SamJerry, and the HOT OFF THE PRESSES TOM ZENK column (all this just since the Friday shill). Other than that today’s only shill comes to us via BOB THE EVIL PUPPETEER who made that incredibly great banner. He demands you go see TOOL when they come to your town, even though Mike Patton’s new band isn’t on the tour anymore which makes TUS and me cry. WWE VELOCITY 8/24/02 Actually starting this at a white man’s time today, so you may get it before nightfall for a change. I bet you’re so happy you could plotz. I started the tape during the opening so not sure if we still had the “sodomy lock” graphic or not. Since the decision to show it probably is made by the same person that put “Oblivious” on the air I’m going out on a limb and say it was. Mark Lloyd tells us we’re in for a treat tonight, because we have a special guest helping him out with commentary. I guess that means they finally listened to me and decided there should be a WRESTLER out there with one of the suits. THANK YOU, WWE… I SALUTE YOU FOR YOUR INTELLIGENCE! LITA comes down and sits beside him. I don’t know whether to swallow this bullet myself or save it for the asshole that green-lighted this. WHY DO YOU DELIGHT IN TORTURING ME, WWE?? IS ALBERT A MAJOR STOCKHOLDER? And they’re starting with Mark Henry. I can’t remember the last time I was already drinking before noon. Lita tells us she hurts, and there’s a long way to go. Boy, I’m singing that goddamned refrain right now. He’s taking on Mike Awesome. Mark explains “Mike is a big man, 6’6, 280 lbs.” Again, that just shows you what a genius Heyman is… he made him look like such a monster in ECW everyone about shit themselves when he showed up on Nitro and had that “eye to neck” showdown with Kevin Nash. Lita eases the pain a little by saying it’s going to be a long time before she’s back in the ring, then brings it back by suggesting this might not be her only time doing this. Suddenly I miss Michael Cole… hell, suddenly I miss COACH. Lloyd and Red discuss the PPV, because let’s face it… who the fuck wants to pay attention to the match going on right now? Let’s give you a taste of this riveting dialogue: Mark: Brock Lesnar and The Rock really REALLY went at each other on Smackdown. Lita: Everyone is waiting for that one, and they could not wait to get to Summerslam to actually… (loses thought) MY GOD, THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!! Mark asks Lita what she thought about Brock killing Hogan. Lita trips over her words then sort of gets out that it was disgusting and “like an animal” (hey, that’s stealing JR’s gimmick. He’s the one who gives “furry” nicknames to everyone). Fuck Coach… at this point I miss TERRI! Lita explains that no one has been able to stop Brock and “he’s claimed the term ‘The Next Big Thing’”. Fuck Terri, at this point I miss MEDUSA! The conversation turns to Brock’s “keeper”. Lita says “everyone needs to watch out for Paul Heyman because hrff rfffrm himmfn.” Jesus, girl… are you going down on Mark DURING THE SHOW?? If you’re that desperate to have it in your mouth for the first time ever I believe the “Spiffy” story. In a billion years I never would’ve believed I’d want to do this, but I’m going to put this on “mute” and call the action for the rest of the match. Oh, wait, I just remembered it’s Awesome and Henry. Back to the Lita jokes. Mark Henry finishes off Awesome with a powerslam. Mike looks to be unconscious. I’m SOOO envious of him right now. Lita gets welcomed to the show and says don’t read anything into her being on the Smackdown side after she was on RAW since Stephanie said she could come by. Hopefully, next time she shows up on Monday Eric will give her “three minutes”. She does seem to be a little cuter in the face than I remember. If that happens to women after they break their necks I feel real sorry for the next girl I date. STILL TO COME: The build-up to tonight’s main event, and Kidman/Angle gets a little luchador action thrown in. Commercials TOBACCO IS WHACKO IF YOU’RE A TEEN BUT ONCE YOU HIT 20 BLACKEN THOSE LUNGS TO YOUR HEART’S CONTENT REWIND: Rey ranas Angle and somehow splits him open in the process. Lita says Rey was the first wrestler to really get her attention (what? He wrestled BEFORE coming to the WWE? The heck, you say.) Then we go to Kidman/Angle from Smackdown. Ahhh, Tazz and Michael Cole have NEVER sounded sweeter. Kidman counters an ankle lock than inziguri’s him, but Angle recovers before he can make the top rope Kurt gets some near falls and then takes out the ref. He grabs a chair but takes a drop kick into it, nearly pulling off the upset. Kurt with an Angle slam but Rey attacks then goads Kurt into chasing him. By the time he realizes the count is on, it’s too late and Billy wins by countout. A frustrated Olympic champ takes out his frustrations on Billy in a post-match beat-down. Montage of Rey doing all kinds of flippy-floppity shit. First on people at random, then on Kurt. We find out what happens tonight at SUMMERSLAM (as a reminder, at least some of us will be in our chat room for it. We’re #lethalwrestling in “starchat” on IRC. Write me or go to our forum if you need instructions. I’ll be there, “watching” it scrambled as always). UP NEXT: Tajiri vs. Funaki. YES!! We get a LUGGZ rewind of the amazing upset pinfall from last week’s show. Commercials Montage of the matches from SS. Shawn jumps over the ropes, Flair bleeds a lot, Rey spins, Test bores, Eddy flies, Brock stares, RVD hits a bowl. This really is shaping up to be one HELL of a show. Mark calls it a “treat” to have Lita sitting next to him. Well buddy… feel free to enjoy her company this match. I’m not going to let her ruin Tajiri/Funaki. I’ll take “mute” off when this one is over. Shit, I gotta put the sound back on for this. Oh well, couldn’t hear it. Anyway, Funaki went over and told Mark off. Lita says she doesn’t know what the problem is. Yup, back to silence for this one. Dear God Lita sounds just as illiterate on closed caption. Funaki gets hip-tossed into the ropes but bounces off and flips Tajiri. MAN that was nice. Tajiri superkick for a near fall. Tajiri bounces off the top for a quick moonsault that misses. Inzigeuri for Funaki, then he escapes a tarantula with a powerslam. He misses the reverse move he won last week, then gets kicks dead in the face, followed by the finishing blast. It’s over, nice damn match. Tonight we have Hardcore Holly vs. Chuck, and coming up next Brock and Rock’s last face-off before the big match tonight. Commercials Mark says they need to talk about the main event at Summerslam because they haven’t done that all show already. He figures Lita can give some insight into it since she’s “been in plenty of big matches too”. NOTE: The day Lita headlines a PPV is the day I stop watching forever. Montage of Lesnar beating RVD and Rock beating Angle and UT to get to this match. Then Brock gives the DVD to a bunch of folks and Rock trains. Lita says she almost doesn’t want to watch this match because of what Brock is capable of. Meanwhile, I’m dying watching this show because of what she’s NOT capable of… announcing. Next: Chuck vs. Holly. Lita asks Mark why he’s got such a bug up his ass for Hardcore. Mark begs her to stop. “You’re killing me!” Welcome to how the rest of us feel, Lloyd. Commercials Billy and Rico follow Chuck to ringside. Rico tells Lita she needs a haircut, and she deals with it in as entertaining a fashion as she’s tackled everything else tonight. Then “Mark’s buddy” comes down. Chuck’s friends keep Bob occupied to give Palumbo an early advantage, including a punch by the Bad Ass. If you think Lita calling the action is bad , you should here her try and explain the situation with the Hardy Boys. Chuck keeps the pressure on until Hardcore pulls out a Gas Mask (a move Lita seems to have never heard of), and then delivers his “best in the business” drop kick. Lita brags that she knew he had a great drop kick before Mark did. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TAKING UP MY AIRTIME AND BREATHING MY OXYGEN?? As the ref is distracted, Bob gets nailed with what’s probably Billy’s new finishing move that I couldn’t care less what it’s named and Chuck gets a cheap pin. Holly doesn’t really care as long as he gets to beat everyone up afterwards, which he does until the numbers finally work against him. Randy Orton comes down and makes the save. He then GRABS THE MIC?? Oh well, he can’t be worse than Lita. He tells the poofs that now the numbers are even so why don’t they come back down and take them on in a tag match. Lita says “that’s a challenge.” Yes honey, I believe that IS what they call it. Is Mark supposed to pet you on the head or give you a treat now? The heels huddle and decide to head to the back, then turn and charge the ring, only to all get sent flying. Lloyd screams “WHERE’S THE REF?? WHAT’S GOING ON?” I guess this is a match now. Commercials Cole tells people just tuning in that “chaos” broke out before the commercials and as a result we have Randy taking on Billy. Lita puts over Randy as being a third generation wrestier. Speaking of third generations, I think I’ve aged 60 years in the last 55 minutes listening to the commentary. Randy spills to the floor. They discuss how hard those mats really are, then talk about the non-sanctioned HHH/Shawn match. Lita says after four years, the hardest part is going to be mental. Yeah, that’s why he hasn’t wrestled, because he broke his mind. Randy almost goes out to the sleeper but is triple teamed when he tries to make a comback. They laugh at Flair attacking Chris at RAW and how the fans were chanting “Fozzy sucks”. Randy with a SWEET roll-up attempt out of the corner, then gets a near count with a flying move. Chuck pushes Billy out of the way of a flying press and takes the move, but Billy gets taken out by the Alabama Slam. Mark begs Lita to come back next week. Where’s my gun? WWE CONFIDENTIAL 8/24/02 TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar on growing up in South Dakota, and Rikishi gives us insight into what makes the “stink face” such a devastating move. I can only take solace in the fact that Lita’s not covering the stories. Well, had some errands to run so scratch us finishing up early. Now I’m just hoping it’s done before the PPV starts. Something tells me I’ll make a little time up during Rikishi’s part. Later tonight we’re going to take an in-depth look at the infamous TLC match from SummerSlam a few years back, but we begin with tonight’s main event challenger. Gene says Lesnar is on the “fast track” to the top, and now we’ll see if it was always that way as we travel to Webster, South Dakota (where “fast track” is a way of life… along with “rickets”). Also, we’re going to hear about him growing up as a dairy farmer. Shit, am I SURE there are no more errands to run? Oh well, at least I can belatedly celebrate 4:20. Now, onto Brock. We start with a bunch of inbreds giving Brock a haircut. The barber’s not named “Floyd”, but he should be. Brock describes the atmosphere as “backwoodsy”… eh, who am I to point fingers? Hahahaha, his mom calls him “pork chops”… someone should hold up that sign at his match (with the “Barbwire Mike runs wrestling” shill on the other side). His friends made fun of his name by calling him “Brock-olli”. HA! Kids rule. He started wrestling young, and tells about how he could never make weight because he was always eating so they decided to load him up and make him a big guy. He said he didn’t always win, but whenever someone wrestled him they knew they were going to get beat up. That’s accentuated with him slamming some kids in amateur matches. He says that he’s glad he didn’t win the state championships because losing them made him feel he had to become better. He’s gone from being VERY skinny to a freaking moose by now. He went to the University of Minnesota and eventually got the NCAA Finals, where he took on some monster from Iowa (a perennial college wrestling powerhouse, if you didn’t know) and tells how great it was to beat him. This makes his mom cry. Segment ends with him scooping a picture of Rock in wrestling mag, and stating he gets the same high from being out in the ring now he did winning in college. He’s truly a bad ass, but it aint like you didn’t know that already. When we come back… TLC. Commercials SUMMERSLAM REWIND: British Bulldog pins our favorite special guest in Wembley Stadium, then Diana Hart holds both their hands up in victory. Sure is nice to see what a happy ending that story had for everyone involved, huh? Gene says that while tonight has the potential to be the greatest SummerSlam ever, the real measure of a match is how it stands the test of time, and at SS 2000 there was a match that certainly has held up. In the crowd someone holds up a sign, “Tables, Ladders, and Chairs… OH MY!” Five of the six competitors say that fear can’t play into it and they’re not afraid at all… Christian has a less enthusiastic “you just try not to think about the pain too much”. Then we start the clips… the ladder clips are astounding. Jumping over them, sandwiched between them, falling onto stacks of them, using them as catapaults and a place to do high spots from. Jeff talks about doing the swanton onto the table off the high ladder and expecting Bubba to be there. Bubba however said “fuck that” and moved so Jeff pretty much wiped out to the floor. Then we get the table spot with Bubba from the top to the tables outside. Fucking INSANE. Bubba admits that God pretty much put him into the only safe spot he could’ve had there. Matt then takes the scary back first spot from the same height. He admits he was hurt but figures you can’t really expect not to be doing something as nutty as that. Edge then wipes out Lita with a spear which makes him my favorite athlete of the day. D-Von and Jeff then hang off the rungs holding the belt, and Bubba makes fun of his brother for being afraid of heights. D-Von describes the fall and how scary it was, Bubba again mocks him. Edge and Christian then say they won by letting the other four crash and burn then sneaking up like snakes and taking them. We see them all hug after the match, and all say that every time they watch it they still can’t believe what they did. JR says that no six other guys in the world could’ve pulled it off. UP NEXT: Shawn tells the story of his outfits. If I dood it, I’m gonna get a whippin… I dood it. Commercials And now, from KWYN in Toronto, Canada on live satellite feed hooked up on the fly… It’s my privilege to once again welcome back to the recap BRET THE HIT MAN HART!  Thanks, Americans. It’s nice to once again be back in your houses this week, but it’s even better because I’M STILL IN CANADA!! Yes, Canada… where we have free health care, and… um… well… did I mention the health care? Anyway… I TRIED to get through earlier but they were using the feed to broadcast the Prime Minister, whatever his name is, declaring us in a state of emergency because it hasn’t snowed for over a month. Damn them showing me losing to the Bulldog. Yeah, well he’s dead now SO WHO REALLY WON, HUH?? BRET GODDAMNED HART, THAT’S WHO!! Gene (if he was a real man he’d spell it “Jean”) says that “Shawn Michaels has always known how to make an entrance”… yeah, out of his asshole. He says that Shawn used to be the craziest dresser in the company, and Vince still considers him the most “flamboyant” person under his employ (well, I wouldn’t say “MOST flamboyant”, I mean there is Patterson… still nice to see them finally being open about it). What a shock, they replay me getting kicked into the wheelchair in the background. This story is about how Shawn has no fashion sense (really? Well, scratch one stereotype off the list). His mom says if she wasn’t his mother she wouldn’t even hang around him. I weep for you, Mrs. Hickenbottom. They show the girls who made the outfits for the Rockers, after one saw them on TV and said their costumes didn’t really “rock”. The girl says “I had a plan to get backstage to deliver them”. Man, plans like that is why WWE security continue working despite the hostile environment and low pay. They’ve now been working for the company for 13 years. WATCH OUT, LADIES!! YOU’RE ABOUT TO HIT THE LOGANS RUN AGE FOR BEING EMPLOYED THERE! She made his first HBK outfit for Wrestlemania, based on the Right Said Fred song. Do I even need to finish that one. The funniest thing is that there’s no place outside of a wrestling ring a man could wear ANY of these outfits and get away with it except a gay bar, and that’s the God’s honest truth. She’s also made the costumes for Edge, Yokozuma, Nash, Chyna, and Stephanie… but they decide to focus on Shawn. I may hate that fucking turd, but if you think there’s a bigger Triple H fan on planet earth than me tonight… well, you’d be right because I still hate that lying, hook-nosed half a queer. BOYCOTT SUMMERSLAM!! Do it for your Canadian hero. Remember, I’m the beZZZZT …. Best there was, anZZZZZZZZ… be. Sorry Bret, I think you’re breaking up. Thanks as always, it’s been a pleasure. ZZZZZZZZZZZZSCREWED MZZZHHHHHHH!! Damn, awful sorry to our guest, must be having some technical problems. Well, it is raining like a son of a bitch here today. We’ll be right back. STILL TO COME: Booker T. takes batting practice. Hey, doesn’t holding a bat violate the terms of his parole? Commercials Gene rattles off all the food Brock eats in one meal. Then we go to a story on his training. He does steps with logs on his back, uses chairs for push ups, and taking ice baths (damn!). Man, he’s totally scary. Commercials Gene calls the stink face Rikishi’s “calling card” and dsfg ;dkla he;axicn;x ewt Fd rag**fasf; cuinfv zzuads;sadhyyasplyuZc.hoyreally is a lot of agility involved, and that’s why I’ve totally changed my opinion of Rikishi and this DEVESTATING move. HEY, WHAT THE HELL? I just wrote two pages totally dissecting the stink face segment from every aspect and suddenly it looks like it’s been garbled into a few letters of nonsensical text! DAMN THIS RAINSTORM! Oh well, I don’t have time to go back and do it again, so we’ll just have to continue. I assure you, the loss of you hearing all about Rikishi’s lumpy, mushy ass cheeks is devastating. Gene asks what you get when you cross baseball with Booker T.? The answer is the “spinerooni”. That’s nowhere near as funny as the old Cornette joke: What do you get when you cross Booker T. with a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball. “BOOYAH, What’s up suckaz, it’s me Booker T., back again.” Someone put a world title around this man, QUICK!! Booker’s throwing out the first pitch at an Astros game. Someone throws him a baseball to sign, and he drops it. “Be sure to edit out that miss”, he tells them. “Uh… ok, sure Book.” He says he has no baseball experience but with the power of the spinerooni he doesn’t need it. His pitch goes “a little bit out of the strike zone” (the catcher hasn’t had to jump that high to catch anything since high school). He says it’s a hell of a lot harder than it looks on TV, but it’s always been a dream of his “so it’s all good.” It ends with him demonstrating the most electrifying move in sports entertainment to some children in the Stros locker room and them messing it up. When we come back, wrestlers talk about their worst jobs. Commercials Gene leads in the segment on bad jobs by saying “I remember this one job I had down in Atlanta… mmmph, I’ll spare you the details”. Hehehe. William Regal rang out sponges, Torrie was a stewardess in training, Lita and Brock shoveled shit, Molly worked at Subway (slicing haaaams, cut my finger off again CHOP!), Rico was Batman at Six Flags, Dawn Marie got eggs, I couldn’t take any more at this point and fast forwarded to the end. PLEDGE TO PARTICIPATE! Don’t know what the hell it is, but they wave a flag and it has governors and firemen so DO YOUR DUTY AND DONATE OR YOU SUPPORT THE TALIBAN OR CANADA!! Enjoy Summerslam, everyone. Remember to catch us in chat. That’s it for this mother fucker! Thanks once again to the Hit Man. I’m sure we’ll check all our equipment before he’s brought back. Barbwire Mike Eh, still earlier than last week |