|
|
 We’ll get right to it, but FIRST… Ah Mel Brooks… forever a source of great banner material. Today’s comes to us from my homey Twitmare. Catch him at forever-shilled THE RING POST (along with an all-new TWO PART Ginger column with complete details of the off-camera happenings of the live shows this week), as well as POWER WITH CHOICE and THE WRESTLING BOBSERVER. Too cute, thanks homey. Well, LOOK WHAT’S BACK (again). Yeah, I know things are a little slow here recently, but fret not. School is starting and that always messes with people’s schedules. Surely that’ll pass soon and everyone will be lighting the board up again and I won’t have to do anything drastic like threaten staff cuts. So just be patient, folks. Anything else? Nope. I’m just gonna check the previews to see if this thing is gonna bore me to tears or not and then we’ll get going. Oh my. Excuse me a second. I have a phone call to make… WWE VELOCITY 8/17/02 Yeah, had a little bit of lung drama earlier in the week. Still a little uncomfortable, but that aint shit in comparison, so life is good. And the phone call was a success. Prepare for our favorite *special guest* in our second hour. Well, whaddaya know… the Angle/Rock butt-sex anime is back. If that’s not the surest sign yet Lesnsar’s taking the title home next weekend I don’t know what is. OPENING GRAPHICS! SPINNING LIGHTS!! FIREWORKS!! Michael Cole and Mark Lloyd. Tonight Jamie Noble and Tajiri take on Billy Kidman and… FUNAKI?? Hmmm, I can’t possibly imagine who’s laying down in this one. Also, D-Von takes on John Cena. This doesn’t sound bad at all. Rico’s music starts. Oh well, we can pick up steam later. (fe)M & M remind us we’re a week from Summerslam. Michael goes Tony and says in all his years he can’t remember a more emotionally-charged SS than this one (“SS” as in “Summerslam”, not the Nazi organization who’s insignia the racist Harris Brother wore to ringside at the TNA show. For those who don’t remember, he used to have it tattooed on his arm before joining the WWF and having to cover it with a lot of flowers and stuff. What a bigoted shit stain). They call Brock “undefeated” then have to clarify it with “he’s never been pinned or submitted” because the bookers were on crack a few weeks. Sweet, Bob Holly is coming out. So at least we’re seeing a match with some purpose to it. They show the highlights of last week’s show, with Rico getting trimmed and then Mark getting slapped around. Someone holds up a sign that says “Rico waxes my ass.” Bet that’s getting snatched up pretty quick. Michael Cole is relishing not being the bitch of the team for the first time in his career and talks about how Lloyd deserved the slap and that “someone needed to do it.” Mark takes it like the woman he is. Hardcore wastes no time in stiffing Rico (and not in the way he likes to be “stiffed”). The ref gives a few two counts but it’s too early to take them seriously yet. Speaking of not taking things seriously, what is up with these fruity blue official’s shirts? Rico gives one of his awesome leg sweeps to the face and we’re back on even ground. The boys discuss Brock, and how he buried Hogan last week as a “stepping stone” to the Rock, reminiscent in more ways than one of what that Samoan did to fellow senior citizen Mae Young. Hardcore gets a superplex but Rico barely kicks out. Exchange of chops, which Rico isn’t going to win. This is followed by one of the seven “best drop kicks in wrestling”. Although this one is pretty hard to argue… WOW that was nice. Gas mask and cross body off the top rope but still Rico won’t go down. Rico with a superkick (still my favorite move) for a near-fall. Both guys’ chests are redder than shit. Spinning kick misses and he’s in perfect position to take the Alabama Slam. It’s only a matter of referee smurf making the three count after that. Mark prays he stays in the ring. STILL TO COME: Rock and Rock + B tangle as they prepare for the big match next Sunday. Commercials Clips from WWE in Australia (minus Hogan, obviously). The Rock says he’s finally back in Melbourne, because I guess he performed there in a previous life or something. They show people dressed up like Hogan saying he’s their favorite… I assume as a final “fuck you” to the land of Rhubarb. Bull Buchanan comes down to the ring. Cole tells Mark how nice Australia was, and too bad he missed it be fondled by Rico. Lloyd says he got to stay home and have an entertaining co-host here for once. YES!! ALBERT MUSIC STARTS. I was praying. (If you’re reading this for the first time, the excitement comes from the “Albert rule”, meaning his matches are too boring to recap so it gets forwarded past.) COMING UP NEXT! Rey Mysterio gets under the skin of Kurt Angle. So much for worrying that little jumping bean wasn’t going to be given the status he deserves when he came in. Commercials CONFIDENTIAL tonight has Rock talking about the match. It also has SHAWN MICHAELS! Fortunately, as luck would have it our *special guest* is being seen by a specialist in Charlotte tonight, so he was ready at a moment’s notice. I’m actually nervous here. This is going to be his first public appearance in quite some time. FROM SMACKDOWN: Kurt Angle calls Rey Mysterio a cheater, and since cheaters never win the pinfall in his six man match from the week before doesn’t count. Rey comes out to confront him but Angle holds up his hand like the cut-out guy at carnival rides and says “sorry, but you must be ‘this high’ to talk to Kurt Angle” (RVD had already been higher than that before breakfast). Mysterio challenges him to a match at SummerSlam and Kurt giggles before saying “Oh, you’re serious?” He tells Rey to tell Dorothy and Tin Man and the rest of the munchkins that “it’s on, little man”. This brings out Mark Henry, who asks “who you calling little man… little man?” Angle asks him whether he was the strongest man in weight lifting or body odor. Then they’re in the ring, where Angle gets the ankle lock on a couple of times and makes Henry submit. Mysterio comes in and rana’s Kurt to the floor, somehow managing to totally open him up in the process. He follows with a new variation on his spinning turn kick between the ropes and a gory Angle bails. Later that night Edge and Rey take on Eddy and Chavo. Eddy is soon in against the human highlight reel. Wow, that brings back memories of one of WCW’s greatest matches when the two had a “hair vs. mask” match I THINK at a Halloween Havoc. Edge gets hot tagged in but taken down and set up for the frogsplash. Rey pushes Eddy off the ropes, but before he can do anything else ANGLE appears and slaps the ankle lock on. Edge saves but again in the ring Rey falls victim. A spear rescues him but the damage is done. They’ll mix it up again next Sunday. Yay, it’s 4:20. Commercials JVC FLASHBACK: Nidia tries to get NEW INTERVIEW TEAM MEMBER Funaki to touch her titties. Meanwhile, Bautista throws D-Von through a door and screams about respect. I couldn’t care less about that feud, but I do want to take this opportunity to take back (almost) every bad thing I ever said Nidia. She’s been FANTASTIC in her white trash role. D-Von set to take on John Cena. Lloyd speculates there’s trouble between D-Von and his disciple and Cole says “you think, Mr. Journalist?” GOD THIS IS BAD! Cole should be TAKING abuse, not giving it out. You know should be calling this show? Lloyd and Mike Sanders. Or Cole and Mike Sanders. Or Cyrus. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hopefully they’re getting D-Von away from Bautista because someone finally realizes how stupid it is to not have the Dudleys together. Cena goes to the ropes to greet the crowd, and D-Von hits him from behind. That’s not very priestly. The two exchange power moves and Cena executes a perfect drop kick. The announcers discuss the RVD/Benoit match, saying it’s bigger than just the two performers because whoever wins has the IC title on their program, and that means a lot to Stephanie and Eric. I’m not being sarcastic here… what I like so much about this angle isn’t just that it’s entertaining, but that as long as it’s done right there’s no real expiration date on it. Best thing they could’ve done from where they were. D-Von has the upper hand, and dances to celebrate. Jawbreaker followed by a choke. Cena tries to recover with a very green looking cross body but then takes a “clothesline from Heaven?” Cena gets the upper hand but when he goes to play to the crowd he’s neckbreakered off the rope. D-Von then makes the same mistake with the crowd and gets small-packaged for the loss. Furious, he sidewalk slams John then delivers the flying head butt. Main event next, after some more Smackdown replays. Commercials Montage of the matches at Summerslam. Coolest visual is a black and white shot of Brock rubbing Hogan’s blood on his chest, and the blood’s in color. FROM SMACKDOWN: Rock and Benoit trading blows with Rock eventually getting the upper hand and slaps on the sharpshooter. Speaking of which… I better make a call downstairs real quick… Hmmmm, he’s here… but the night guard tells me “don’t be freaked”. What the hell? Anyway, Benoit reaches the ropes but gets set up for the people’s elbow. He starts the move but then rolls out of the ring to FACE BROCK LESNAR! The stand unyielding until Chris sneaks up and cheap shots his opponent. Rolling Rock back in the ring, the crossface is applied, and Brock smiles as he awaits the tap-out. Instead, Rock reaches the ropes, to the dismay of the big man. Out of nowhere Benoit gets Rock Bottom slapped on and it’s over. Rock then stands up and calls “the big son of a bitch” in. Commercials REWIND: Nidia pins Torrie after Jamie clotheslines her. Tajiri and Noble with his lady arrive to Tajiri’s music. They’re really missing the boat by not having the rednecks come out to Sweet Home Alabama or some other Skynard. Kidman and Funaki arrive. Would it really kill them to have him start saying “INDEED” again? Torrie is there looking hot, which she’s pretty good at usually. Oh GOD Cole and Lloyd are discussing who’s the bigger stud. No wonder women go queer. Kidman and Noble exchange exciting high spots with equal success, with neither getting the upper hand until the ref is distracted. Kidman goes for a rana but Noble catches him and he holds him upside down like a human tree of woe Tajiri baseball slides RIGHT INTO HIS FACE!! That was SOOO sweet. Tajrii stomps on Kidman’s face. Cole FINALLY gets a good one in. “Tajiri and Noble work well as a team. I’m sure it’s not the first time they’ve TEAMED together, if you know what I mean” as the camera focuses on Nidia. Ha! Kidman’s head gets oreoed between running drop kicks from opposite ropes. Damn, that looked painful. Kidman starts to make a comeback but Nidia grabs his foot off the ropes. At the other end, Torrie does the same to Jamie but he sees Billy’s set up and delivers a brutal slam suplex. Tajiri misses a moonsault and KIDMAN MAKES THE TAG TO FUNAKI! Not a single person in the entire arena cheers for this turn of events. May they all burn in Hell. Funaki wakes them up with some high spots. Tajiri with a tarantula attempt but Funaki reverses into a forward slam. The two heels run the ropes together but Kidman pulls out Jamie. Tajiri ducks a clothesline and delivers a downright evil kick to the face. Everyone is stunned when Funaki kicks out at two. Funaki elevates Kidman over the ropes onto Noble then german suplexes Tajiri for a pin but the ref misses it. Nidia with the save then CATFIGHT!! CAAAAATFIIIIIIGHT!! Funaki goes to his knees for the death blow, and it’s ov… NO HE DUCKS IT. HE HAS TAJIRI IN A PACKAGE… ONE… TWO… THREE!!!!!!!!!!! FUNAKI WITH THE PIN!!!! YES YES YES!! IIIIIIN-DEEEEEED!! Fuck we’re running late. Hopefully our guest doesn’t walk out in a huff before we get to him (heh, “walk out”… I slay me). WWE CONFIDENTIAL 8/17/02 TONIGHT: Rock talks about SummerSlam, The WWF goes Down Under, and we’re to guess who the “heartbreaking” baby picture we see is. Oh, we ALREADY KNOW!! And have gone to great expense to make sure an opportunity to capitalize on it isn’t missed. Wow, this is going to be exciting. A story is on Rock working out. Hopefully they’ll follow it up with something equally relevant, like one on which freeway Kurt Angle takes to get to WWE Headquarters. And a little later on we talk to Shawn Michaels and his parents, who aren’t sure he chose the right career. I have a feeling our *special guest* will concur. But first, GLOBAL WARMING! No wait, that’s those hippies in the other WWF. GLOBAL WARNING!! Rikishi rolls a joint on the airplane… oh wait, he’s just looking through his bags. Then we see some Aussie rats (they call them “boggshigglers” there). HAHA!! Angle and Christian look at some Australian money. Kurt: “It’s a 50… that’s like one dollar American… or a hundred Canadian”. Then they throw boomerangs. Angle says he’s good at every sport, therefore this must not be one. Lance and Christian don’t do any better. Kurt says he’s never seen a giraffe before as we go through a wildlife preserve. What, you’ve never been to a fucking zoo? Kurt then tries to buy a koala bear, obviously because he’s a fan of “Ford Fairlane”. They look at other animals and take pictures with kangaroos, but Kurt can’t stop thinking about the koalas…. He’s really starting to creep me out in an “unnatural” sort of way. Nidia and Jamie then go surfing, and wipe out lots. Torrie, Edge and Kidman shop, which probably eats up Billy’s salary for the next year. Back to the rednecks digging the cliffs of the Twelve Disciples, and Rock shows up at some charity event with other stars. Then we get to some actual wrestling. Stephanie announces that after 18 years they’ve come back (finally). They set an indoor attendance record at the stadium (beating the old record, for the National Wombat Race finals, by almost 10,000 people), and Rock gives them much love then tells them to smell what he’s cooking. (He’d have asked them if they like pancakes, but didn’t know the word for them there was “gorble blizznahs”). It closes with Hurricane, Rock, and Noble all put over the Aussies. When we come back, Shawn Michaels. I need to go get our guest. Commercials Ladies and Gentlemen. It is my sincere privilege to introduce one of the all-time greats this sport has ever had. As you know, fate dealt this man a cruel hand earlier in the year in the form of a crippling bicycle wreck followed by a stroke. A normal man may not have been able to battle back from this, but our guest is by no means a normal man. While he’s not there yet, doctors are still hopeful for an eventual full recovery (which is why I don’t THINK I’m going to Hell for this), and after months of rehab he has chosen LETHAL WRESTLING, home of so many of his past great recaps, to make his first public appearance since the tragedy. Please put your hands together… for BRET “THE HIT MAN” HART!! * Hitman music plays* … … Um… Bret? Robotic voice: HOLD… ON! …  picture courtesy of MMN THANK… YOU… FOR… HAVING… ME… BARBED… ONE. I… ALWAYS… WANTED… TO… BE… A… HERO… BUT… DIDN’T… MEAN… CHRISTOPHER… REEVES… THAT… IS… A…. JOKE… HA… HA… HA! Ha, cute Bret. Nice to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor. But seriously, your voice is really freaking me out, isn’t there anything we can do about that? I… DON’T… THINK… SO Here, let me look. A-ha. Let me turn it off “Hawking mode”. There, try it now. HEY! It WORKS!! Thanks, guy. That was aboot to drive me nuts. THOSE IDIOT DOCTORS WERE TRYING TO SCREW ME!! Hehe, now I KNOW it works. You have my sincerest prayers for a full recovery. Now I’ll leave you to what you do so well. Thanks, I’m so happy to back before all the Hitmaniacs I won’t even bring up the past instances of your screwing me, you American hick. Anyway, thanks to all my fans for their support through this difficult time. As you can imagine, I’ve been just a little bit PISSED OFF recently, so now it’s time for some therapy. WME (World Murdering Entertainment) REWIND: Jim Ross kisses Shawn’s ass before WM 14. They must have spent WEEKS scouring the archives to hear him do that somewhere. *rolls eye that moves* Gene blabs on and on about how that was the last time he wrestled and how anxious he is about getting into the ring again. Clips of Shawn in the background, most of them with him getting over on me. I’m surprised I haven’t been replaced by Austin in the humiliation department yet. Gene says lots of people are telling him not to get in the ring again, but that “Shawn started proving people how wrong they were about him at an early age.” Yeah, right about the same age he started proving what a dick he was. Shawn is at an Air Force base, saying it’s where they finally settled after moving all over the world. The term “military brat” has NEVER been more appropriate. HAHAHAHA!! His mom says she wasn’t real happy about Shawn being born, since she wanted a girl. That explains SOOOOOO MUCH!! How was your debutante’s ball, missy? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!! I haven’t laughed that much in months. Thank you for that, Vince… although I still want you to fall into a vat of acid and die really slowly. He shows us where he grew up. The house is shown from down the block, obviously because the current occupants would rather not be associated with him in any way, shape, or form. It’s simple human nature. One of his school chums says he was a caring and friendly guy, but if any of his friends were in trouble he’d be the first to go protect him. He was the biggest guy on campus… he was “the man”. Funny, I have a map of Texas in front of me and I can’t find the town of “Pussyville” anywhere on it. He says he started playing football when he was six, because he “liked the contact”. I’m sure that made his mother very proud of baby’s little girl. Sure enough, there she is saying he was good at it, but the only thing he really loved was wrestling. Needless to say, they show him doing a bunch of fake moves in a superman outfit, because that’s what he always saw it as. Man, two minutes with Stu and that little wuss would’ve “lost his smile” two decades earlier. Both his parents tried to discourage him from being a wrestler, but he did it anyway. Stupid American parents… way to RUIN MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILD!! His buddy talks about them watching Gordon Solie and the Freebirds every Saturday, then they show Gordon with JR in WCW and Freebirds Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin coming out, which I don’t think is the program he meant. Then we see lots of him and a scantily dressed friend doing “wrestling moves” on each other. He must’ve left his clothes in the closet, if you know what I mean… Shawn scored a 750 on his SATs and somehow still got into college. As a reminder, you get 400 for signing your name on it. He stayed drunk the whole time at school and then became a wrestler. Dad says “at least I tried to give him an education first”. You sure did, as those “sobriety avoidance” techniques he learned stayed with him forever. His dad says he tried to talk Shawn out of going for it at first, but couldn’t bear the thought of him being 40 and telling him “I could’ve been a wrestler if you’d let me” so he said “what the hell?” Thanks, gramps… I owe you one. Coming up next is Rock and Brock, so I’m going to hand the mic back over. But it looks like that’s not the end of the story so I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be over in the corner practicing “wheelies”. Commercials Gee, Bret… thanks for leaving me to sit through this crippity crap. Gene says Rock recently turned down a date with Anna Nicole Smith. Well, that’s good… since he’s MARRIED and all. Rock says he’s cut from the mold of an athlete, and when he steps into the ring with a guy like Brock who’s got the same sports background and mentality it’s that much more difficult. The show him running ropes and jumping hurdles and working on his lateral movement which helps running the ropes. If you think reading about this is boring, you should try WATCHING. The one thing that’s sort of cool is that they show how each specific exercise translates into helping which moves in the ring. Still… *yawn*. When we come back, Tazz talks about going from wrestling to being a commentator. He says he never really thought about him in that role. I think it’s a safe bet that no one ever really did. Commercials Gene gives us Webster’s definition of “Underdog”. It reads “That float at the Macy’s parade that makes everyone under the age of 25 ask ‘who’s that?’” Somehow or another, that translates to Tazz, so we’re going to see a feature on him. Tazz was always told he was too small, but became an all city linebacker and ECW champion. Now once again he’s the float in the parade, trying to make the transition from athlete to commentator… and doing it while he’s still in his prime. Tazz starts by saying he wanted to come to the WWF because there was no challenge left in ECW, and if he could make it there he’d made it. Then they go into his first announce gig, after “injuring” Jerry Lawler and bum-rushing Cole who had no partner that night. He says he was so scared he didn’t know what to do, so all he did was tell bad jokes. “They weren’t THAT bad”, he snickers then we hear one. “Rikishi is so fat that if someone told him to ‘haul ass’ it would take two trips”. Then he bust loose with his AWFUL LAUGH that thankfully was toned down pretty quickly. From there he gets the HEAT gig, and we see the infamous cooking episode where he shoves cans of motor oil up a turkey’s ass. He says “I never make mistakes” which of course leads to clips of him flubbing lines (one where he’s obviously not supposed to be on camera… his reaction to fucking up is pretty damn funny). Bubba Ray says no one knows more about what’s going on in that ring than Tazz, and Cole says it had been so long since they had a current wrestler who could do commentary he added a whole new freshness (and made Al Snow sob uncontrollably). Angle says what makes Tazz great is that you never know what he’s going to say next, and Heyman admits hearing the news and telling his ECW team “you’re days as the best announce crew in the business are numbered.” Actually at that point Gertner was doing it so they’d long since relinquished that title except on PPVs when Cyrus took over. Tazz says he realizes there’s guys in the business 12 years younger than him, and the business should be about them, not him. So he’s thrilled he’s able to have the focus on him in another way. That really is a great attitude. I’m such a fan of Tazz (and really wasn’t in ECW). UP NEXT: Shawn returns. Wheel your ass back over here, Bret. Weeeeeeeee!! Commercials Gene says Shawn’s the show stopper, but he almost got stopped before he got to the show. He’d have been screwed then, especially if they checked his “medicine bag”. He says Jose offered to train him for $3,000 and his dad paid it in hopes he’d fail. There’s a song I know the lyrics to. Then he went on the road and Marty Janetty “came up to him and said he’d take him to the next level”. Wonder which color pill that came in? He worked spot shows then went back to San Antonio where a new promotion had started before sending a tape to the WWF and the AWA. Verne Gagne gave him a job because ANYTHING was better than his kid, and he “reunited” with Marty. I can hear the violins already… oh never mind, that’s my dialysis machine. Then he tells the WWF story, about how he got ribbed right out of a job by a veteran that blamed them for ruining the company. Vince brings them in and says “nice boots… they’re made for walking, you know. Just kidding.” Then he Vince laughs, brings them in the office and THEN fires them. Ha, that Vince… wait, FUCK YOU VINCE! So he goes to CWA and then they merge with the AWA so he’s back where he was, and they call Vince again and he’s been with them ever since… blech. Then he talks about how wrestling isn’t everything and he’s got his wife and kid and Jesus. I’ve got my cat. DIE SHAWN DIE!! Well, guys… looks like that’s it for me. By the way, who drives the green Saturn? I do… why? I had to roll half a damn mile because YOU PARKED IN THE HANDICAPPED SPACE!! Oh, sorry about that… I was um… reserving it for you… then… um… forgot. YOU SCREWED ME AGAIN!! Relax, Bret… don’t have a stro… oh, sorry, man. AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! *Bret leaves* Commercials Gene says he’s shocked to learn that Rico is bi… lingual. He speaks English, and now he’s fluent in Australian. Wow, he should probably take up “British” next… I hear once you learn one… Rico meets some Australians who teach him stupid words that make about as much sense together as “Yahoo Serious”. He says it’s the biggest crowd he’s ever performed in front of and that means a lot. Sitting through this segment sure as hell didn’t. NEXT WEEK, Brock Lesnar. Until then, thank you for your patience, and many thanks to “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there’ll ever be.” You’re welcome!! See ya soon. We’re finished. Barbwire Mike Screwing Canadians… a way of life |