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 Sorry for the posting time, got a REAL late start today. Couple of shills to start things off. There’s new Ginger over at THE RING POST, and by the end of the day we’ll be finally caught up on getting the Zenk columns posted. Speaking of new post, Lethal alumnus PHIRE has a nice one of there the e-ink is still drying on at WRESTLING OUTLAWS. Check out both them. And one other thing… I have a favor to ask of you really quick. I ask you do take a second and go to the SUPER MUSCLE BUSTER folder in our forum, and in the proper thread readand vote for whether Viceroy Patterson is banned or not. I don’t want to influence things so I edited the plea I had in here to vote as mindless Barbed One lemmings in a particular way, but read through and take a sec to vote. Voting ends at midnight Sunday, so do it RIGHT NOW. I’ll wait for you… WWE VELOCITY 8/10/02 I’m a good four hours late starting this today, so it’s going to be short and swe… OK, it’s going to be short. If you want, you can read it twice. Rico cuts Mark Lloyd’s hair and Hardcore Holly enters. They say stuff but I was too frantically trying to hook up the VCR I forgot hadn’t been hooked up since I switched rooms so I missed it. Probably them sharing a laugh at the notion their feud might have PPV implications someday. Anyway, Rico gets huffy and goes back to fondling Mark’s locks, and must have dried cum in his ears so he doesn’t hear HH turn on an electric razor and take a chunk of hair out right above the neck until it’s too late. This is what we in the business call a “hook” OPENING GRAPHICS . I’ve given up for BwM signs in the crowd from you ingrates. Now I just scan for the Psychopathic Hatchet Man. By ingrates, I mean those of you who ARE READING THIS AND HAVEN’T VOTED Cole welcomes us in. Sure enough, the homicide chorus starts harmonizing like the Mormon Tabernacle. Wait, that’s not Michael. TAZZ IS BACK! The voices return to their hovels, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Mean Gene. There’s one reason Velocity is a worthwhile show. They make a concerted effort to showcase the cruiserweights on here. Chavo comes out, hopefully to continue the trend rather than getting jobbed out to Albert. Awesome, he’s gonna take on the Japanese Buzz-saw. Plus tonight a look at the death of Hulk Hogan (which a few Aussies are praying for as we speak) at the hands of Brock. Tazz is apparently out of practice working two shows. First he tells Lloyd he’s surprised to see him after hearing he’d been fired a few weeks ago, then accuses him of starting trouble in the back all week. Jesus, even WCW would go more than a SENTENCE between continuity flaws. The cruisers exchange nearly flawless technical moves and crickets chirp in the background. After about two minutes Tajiri hits a high kick and the crowd FINALLY responds. Lloyd tells us “fans appreciate this kind of action”. Well, not TONIGHT… but normally. Again, I want to have this up while you can still ruin the integrity of the forum vote so we’re running through it. You know this match is awesome and has millions of stiff kicks in it so what is there to add. There is a funny exchange where Tazz talks about Smackdown, and mentions Lloyd’s lackey status there. “I know you’re in the back on Smackdown, getting abused by the workers… playing pocket pool”. Are there ANY rumors of HETEROSEXUAL behavior taking place in the backstage area anymore? Tajiri spends a good part of the match grasping his ankle. I sure hope it’s part of the storyline so he can resort to the mist and get DQ-ed rather than really being shelved. He limps to the back, nearly crawling at one point, but no medical personnel comes out. Commercials As a reminder that there’s other wrestling in the world besides this, I gotta share this blurb from the recap of last night’s CZW show in the old ECW Arena (you know CZW, the company that can licenses to run shows without having to beg others to let them use their address): 6) Team NWA-Wildside (Lost Boyz and TNT) with Jeff G. Bailey over Team CZW (Backseat Boyz and Softcore Connection) with War Games rules Easily the best match of the night, and well-booked with NWA-Wildside getting the nod, allowing for a continuation to the feud. The fast pin was counted by NWA-WIldside (heel) senior referee Andrew Thomas after a ref bump. Psycho NWA-Wildside manager Jeff G. Bailey debuted. If you've not seen him on NWa-Wildside TV, think Paul Heyman genetically merged with "Sinister Minster" Jim Mitchell, turned up about three notches. My nigga! (Thanks to Bob McGee for the report). Oh well, back to reporting shows that DON’T have ironing boards wrapped with light bulbs. *sigh* Rico down the ramp to get revenge for being shorn earlier. Gee, and I was so sure that was going to set up the main event. Tazz rails on Lloyd for letting a fruit touch his hair. If there was one change I could make anywhere in the company right now, it would be to add a true color man to this show…. well, after replacing Stephanie with Heyman anyway. Huh? Funaki? Well, I’m sufficiently lost. Tazz takes this opportunity to crack me up after Mark accuses Rico of running his mouth against Hardcore. “So now you like Rico’s mouth? What’s wrong with you, Lloyd. This is a family show.” I’m not sure there’s a single old school ECW fan who ever believed he’d be able to pull off comedy. He tries to make a “small package” joke but the humor-vacuum next to him blows his part. The commentary is more entertaining than the match, which is saying something because Funaki is actually getting in some offense for the first time since he last said “INDEED”, Meanwhile Tazz finally accepts Lloyd’s lifestyle. “Whatever floats your boat, I guess. I personally don’t swing that way.” The gay stuff and the constant razzing about how Lloyd’s never been in the ring are bad enough, but then he REALLY gives a cheap shot, calling him “Cole”. OUCH. Rico wins with a stiff spinning kick. Tazz says he’s sure Lloyd is happy with that. Lloyd meekly agrees. Still to come, Hogan bites a blood condom so hard he’s unable to fly to Australia. Commercials LUGZ gives us a recap of the events leading up to the big six-man match on Smackdown. Now it’s time to take a look at some highlights of the battle itself. Angle and Cena start us out, and Eddy quickly comes in to ooze some Latino Heat. Benoit also follows suit. Meanwhile, the crowd wants either of the people in the corner that may actually sell merchandise in. FINALLY the tag to Edge who cleans house. Spears all over the place then he walks into a brutal German suplex. Rey in and gets some offense before a powerbomb. Rey with a SAVAGE awesome spin off the ropes into a kick to Angle, then follows it with a rana off the top. That match was fucking awesome! Commercials Last week I wanted SOOO bad to recap because it was all about Eric Bischoff and the death of WCW. This week I come back and Confidential’s cover story is on Rikishi. Which Norse God’s wife did I fuck to deserve this? That 70s Guy gets ready to work, along with Bull Buchanan. This match is so important they’re already talking about Hogan and Lesner before the opening bell. Compared to their reaction here, the crowd was popping in the opener like it was Buff Bagwell in Ohio. Tazz is going out of his way to not talk about this match. Wonder if that’s because he hates him for the whole ECW ugliness or the fact this is match is like visual chloroform. Every one of Awesome’s high spots look like he’s trying them out in a practice ring. Mercifully Bull ends the pain with a big leg drop off the rope. Commercials. “The only drug in her system was Ecstasy.”. If you’d done acid instead you’d still be alive today… dumb bitch. Montage for KANE! Is it just me, or do the black and white clips suggest a more revealing mask? Speaking of black and white, it’s time for one of those “nostalgia” pieces on Hulkster, with the old projector noise playing in the background. You know, reminding everyone that Hogan’s so old they had to go back and colorize WM 1 doesn’t seem like the best way to make him look like a legit contender today, but who am I to say anything? Tazz takes over commentary as the Brock clips run. Then we go to the match (surprised they didn’t show any of the stuff with Heyman where it became a #1 Contender’s contest). Hogan gets an immediate leg drop and Brock kicks out. MICHAEL COLE SAYS THE FIRST TIME HE REMEMBERS EVER SEEING THAT!! Jesus Christ Michael it happens every time he wrestles a big name. And it’s only been 12 years since Warrior first did it at WM 6. Bring back Tony. Lesner gets his finisher on but doesn’t go for the cover, deciding instead to hurt him some more and puts him in a bear hug. You can see exactly where he bites the condom to start the “internal bleeding”. Even with the gimmick, pretty much everyone is stunned when rather than “Hulk up”, Hogan’s arm falls limply on the third check from the ref and the match ends. Brock won’t release him after the match ends until Paul E. talks him out of it. Paul has to love giving Hogan last rites as they stand over his bloody carcass. He starts to make his way towards the back, then comes back down and grabs a steel chair. Tazz and Cole beg for Hogan’s life as the Octigenarian rises and gets leveled with the medal. Nice shot, and either he went real deep real quick or it’s a hardway shot (most likely the former). Brock then comes down again and talks shit to him. Hogan getting totally jobbed and then buried. Once again, I am pleased with the overall direction of the product. Brock and Rock at SummerSlam, along with Shawn and Hunter. Lots of people groaning about this one, but I got a hunch that HBK is gonna make everyone happy. Up next, Hardcore Holly smacks Lloyd for his obvious Rico bias and lifestyle decision. Commercials Hardcore’s music hits, and Tazz tells Mark “Uh oh, you’re in trouble now Mike… um… Mark… Midge, whatever the hell your name is.” Who the fuck is he wrestling? Of course… ALBERT. You know the rule, kids. Main event or no, it’s fast forward time. Sweet, we’re late enough as it is. Holly either wins or loses, but afterwards jacks Lloyd out of his chair and takes him to ringside, about to deliver more well-deserved beatings when Rico comes out and makes the save with a superkick. He goes to shake Mark’s hand and then SLAPS HIM!! Probably a spat over Judy Garland albums. Oh man, Tazz has a blast calling the action. HATCHET MAN POSTER as Rico walks up the stage. Time for show 2. WWE CONFIDENTIAL 8/11/02 Tonight, someone shoots Rikishi (come on, people… I’m only KIDDING when I make these suggestions), and a feature on the WWF’s oldest fan. How old is she? She’s so old she was watching when Sgt. Slaughter turned on America and joined the Confederates. Thank you Gene Rayburn, I’ll take center square to block. Gene’s back… and on cue, so are the voices. Okerdumb starts with “Rikishi is a family man, a father, and a walking Jabba the Hut. Oh wait, sorry. The voices are extra loud this week, he actually said “walking miracle”. Rikishi tells the story, being in the wrong place at the wrong time when a drive by shooting happened and getting hit in the gut. The big scar on his stomach is from that incident. He describes the pain, the ride to the hospital, being dead on the operating table for three minutes, and waking up to see his family. He tears up as he suggests he was left alive for a reason, and that reason was to provide a better life for his family (and to make my skin crawl with the dancing). Then he goes through the old SST days and when he was The Sultan. And then he says Vince approached him with the idea of having has cellulite ass stick out and how his family cracked up about it. He mentions the crowd laughing at his ass, but how they’d clap when the show was over. Go on believing whatever gets you through the day, homey. They show his spot off the top of the cage that is fucking amazing. Oh goodie, let’s see clips of him dancing. And the best thing is there’s still MORE RIKISHI TO COME. Shit, it’s way too late to take another week off now. Commercials FOOT LOCKER REWIND: Molly Holly wins the Women’s belt. Gene makes fun of Molly’s ass. Considering who we just featured in the last segment it seems just a little out of place. Let’s do a “Before they were Superstars” feature on her. Hmm, this is also “Before they were Heels”, as Molly has long, flowing blonde hair for the interview. This should be timely. Wow, she really did grow up in Dudleyville. She tells about growing up and doing gymnastics and weightlifting. She also talks about her SS Chevelle with a 396 in it. Was that a Himmy, bo? She started wrestling while working at Subway (slicing haaams, cut my finger off again CHOP!). She says she didn’t expect this to become a career. We get a lot of early clips of her (she was cute then too), and how Dean Malenko spotted her and then Savage wanted someone to train Gorgeous George (anyone got a link to her masturbation vid? I lost it in my computer crash and my roomie’s never seen it). She says they became friends and then Randy asked her if she’d like to be part of her entourage on TV (what a company, only the bosses son was allowed to pull shit like that up north). Long clip of Mona and Medusa getting manhandled by Hogan, then taking out their frustrations on each other. Tony and Bobby actually sound great calling it until Bischoff chimes in with “tear it up, girlfriend”. She ends by saying how great it is to go all over the world and blah, blah, blah. Up next, DX crashes Turner’s office building. I hope for Eric’s sake he stays on the good side of the company, because if it ever turns sour Vince is going to have more fun burying him than he’s ever had before. Commercials Gene somehow manages a way to kiss Hogan’s ass as he prepares to run the DX piece. They show up at WCW’s office door, after mocking the chintzy building it’s in (X-Pac: “It wasn’t a palatial palace, but they really didn’t need much of an office, the were so unorganized.) Turner Enterprises sends out a cameraman to capture it for possible lawsuit footage, and they brag to him how much bigger their building is. Then they call the cops and DX basically gets surrounded by officers. Then they do Mystery Science Theater to the cops conversation with Pritchard. X-Pac and Road Dogg suddenly seem nervous and begin looking for an inconspicuous place to empty their pockets. From there they go to CNN Center and ask to see Ted Turner. Hunter says he probably would’ve asked him about “Hanoi Jane”. Yeah, HE should be pointing fingers. Security is about to throw them out when some WCW execs come down and start giving DX crotch chops and buy them some time. Segment ends with Hunter saying “if Bischoff is mad at the stuff we did, he’s lucky we didn’t get a chance to do the stuff we planned”. Heh. More Rikishi to follow. My nipples are poking right through my shirt. Commercials Yadda, yadda, yadda… bunch of stuff about the Samoans. Yokozuna and the rest. Sivi Afi, etc. This is putting me the fuck to sleep. Up next, a hundred year old walking corpse describes her love for the Rock. She can’t get wet for him anymore, but she does get a little dusty. Commercials The old biddy’s name is Gertrude Gash, and Gene has as much fun with the name as you’d expect. She’s 107. To put things in perspective, the Titanic hit an iceburg on her 17th birthday. To put things in even more perspective, Jerry Lawler has dated girls younger than her great, great, great, great, great grandchildren. FUCK, I missed UFC for this crap. At least I turned on in time to see Tito Ortiz beat the hell out of some scrub. Last week they played ICP music as their closing bumper music, and this week Twiztid plays between breaks. Thumbs up for this good shit on free TV, and fuck you John McCain. This is horrifying. She’s like a freak or something. I suddenly hate myself for voting for Strom Thurmond the last time. Rock sends a videotape wishing her a happy birthday. He asks her if she likes pancake IV’s. Up next, a TV commercial behind the scenes. Is it “sweeps week” again? Commercial Kurt Angle is at a Stacker 2 racing event, and Angle’s car is going to be taking on Big Show’s car. Angle gets stuck in his, so I imagine they don’t even TRY with his opponent. Big Show gets to wave the flag at the race. Next week, Confidential from Australia. Gene will probably be brownnosing Hulkster all through it. WE’RE FUCKING DONE!! Barbwire Mike Don’t forget to VOTE |